AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

[Hebra387]

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

i don’t think either of you have made great choices.

but start putting them right. Can you lived closer to the child’s father?

why are you struggling financially? You had a big inheritance. You should also be getting around £500 a month in child maintanace for your ex. Why aren’t you?

you seen very annoyed at his salary - stop complaining and act:

Of course.

Hold on a minute! The OP secured accommodation for her additional needs son. She has a life too! NRP have whatever responsibility they or the courts agree. OP has done everything, sometimes to the detriment of herself and her son.

The man lives with his mummy, has disposable income and should make the effort to assuage a difficult situation if he wants to. It seems like he can't be bothered unless it's on his terms.

Good luck OP - the ball is in your court.

@Lachimolala *When I went through the family court process, ex was ordered to do all travelling. They took into account my finances, driving ability and mental health and came up with an order that was in the childrens best interests.

In this case it’s wouldn’t be in your child's best interest to spend what limited money you have on travel, it would be better spent on him.*

To me, this sounds like you and what you wanted were prioritised. Your driving ability taken into account? Really?

You moved away so should have always been doing the travelling. YABVU.

If that’s what you think @MichelleScarn but that’s absolutely not the case and definitely not how family court works 😂

@GylesBrandrethNewJumper There’s no one universal experience with the family court system, so I’m not really sure how to respond to this. All cases are different so all experiences I should imagine differ vastly.

@Steptoeandson It would depend on the results of cafcass assessments of him, but generally speaking the older a child gets the more of a voice they have.

100% this.
It's clear you are only going to do what suits you here so not sure why you bothered posting 🤷‍♀️

Sorry if I've missed this but what response did your ex have when you asked him?

If he's against it, is perhaps not so much the money side but the time spent traveling? Could you see if he is willing to help out with petrol costs in the interim and still split the travel?

Presumably you have no mortgage? What is maintenance on top of this and are you getting the right amount?

In principal I think yabu as you moved and most of the time the court would expect 50/50 (which given you moved is actually arguably still unfair to Dad). Agree with others though that at 13 your son would have a say about contact.

YABU. You chose the move and therefore forced the travel, you are responsible for at least half the travel costs and I think your ex has already been more than reasonable about that.

You moved 3.5 hours away in the sticks away from your son's father, family, friends and connections. He knows that mum is not working and stressed about money. Do you also bad mouth the father in front of him? Your son is now anxious and going through further assessments. He is isolated at home with you all day. You refuse to formalise the maintenance through CMS or ask for more money. You're overly picky with your work choices when you're struggling to manage. You'll be a long time on UC with all these extra conditions you've put for a job. Just seems all your way or no way and very inflexible.

Sons need their fathers especially at this age, unless the father is abusive of course. He is a moody teen, of course he will have arguments with dad sometimes. It'd be wrong to sever their relationship over silly teen drama. It's a tumultuous stage for everyone and you should facilitate their relationship. Therefore, I think YABVU.

YABU.

You chose to move 3.5 hours away to the middle of nowhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

I highly doubt your ex can claim fuel mileage for trips to see his son, thats not how person use works on a company car. Sorry but you moved away, I understand why, but I voted YABU.

Your last line in the OP said the father could come to you and stay in a B&B to save fuel costs & time, how does that save fuel costs and time for him? Or did you mean for you?

I think it's a bit rich to say that they don't have a great relationship due to seeing each other infrequently, when you moved 3.5 hours away. I know you inherited money and wanted to buy a secure home but couldn't you have found somewhere nearer?

You also seem very focused on the fact that he has more disposable income than you, when he achieves this only by living with his mum while you own a house outright.

And as pp have said, you can't claim fuel for personal miles.

He's maintained regular contact for 10 years, picked up the lion's share of the driving recently without complaint, paid regular maintenance and, presumably, not said a word when his son calls you to collect him early and you do.

Having said that, if you genuinely can't afford it, then there is no option but to sit down and work out an alternative schedule that everyone is happy with, but if I was your ex I'd be upset about quite a lot of this and I think it's great that you've managed to stay amicable throughout.

A lot of this, from your response, seems to be financial. So why have you said to your ex that he can reduce maintenance payments? You're out of the money either way so facilitate the relationship

Surely the solution would be for dad to collect dc on Friday and you go and pick up when they are ready to come home? I know you say you can't afford it but then you say you'd deduct the travel expenses from maintenance for him so that doesn't make a huge amount of sense. It would also free up your Fridays and make it possible for you to find Monday- Friday work. Doesn't sound like it will be that frequent anyway if someone isn't wanting to go much. I do think YABU to expect him to do all the driving and fork out for accommodation on top for minimal contact because your ds doesn't even want to leave the house

The really unreasonable part was moving your some 3.5 hours away to begin with

I’ve always thought it so unfair that one partner 99% of the time the dad, has to do all the traveling. Before we moved, it was costing us two tanks of fuel a month! Now it’s one tank a month but it costs the same as roughly 1.5 tanks did previously. DSS mum point blank refuses to drive and is also fiddling CMS, UC and Child benefit so could afford the fuel (before anyone says anything we know this as older child told us) It all grates rather a lot.

You moved that far away so I’m not surprised they have a not-great relationship. At that distance it barely stood a chance.

You just say to him look I've not been to CMS all these years, but I cannot afford this travel, if you were paying the CMS rate I could, so it's up to you. I'd almost guarantee his contact with his child drops off a cliff.
You do bes bear some responsibility in that you moved so far away, but he beats the responsibility of not adequately financially supporting his child

I think that if your ds wants to see his dad you should absolutely facilitate this to the best of your abilities. Really only you know what this looks like in your circumstances right now.

How
much maintenance does he pay?

You are being incredibly unreasonable this situation is entirely of your creation.

You moved away and you wonder why their relationship is strained? You don't have a mortgage based on what you said. You really need to get a job and get a car and to be honest, grow the hell up.

The amount of disposable income and his living arrangements are nothing to do with you as you've split. As long as he pays his maintenance.

Sharing the travelling is the only fair option.
or you could travel to his and stay in a B&B so you are close for your son.

TBH you do not give the impression you wish to facilitate a relationship between father and son.