AIBU to expect child’s father to do all travelling?

[Hebra387]

I split with sons dad over ten years ago, son is now nearly 13. We moved 3.5 hours away from all friends and family to a completely new area as I inherited some money and felt it best to invest in buying a property outright, although it meant moving so far away. (I also didn’t earn enough to get a mortgage). Son was happy for us to move as we’d experienced some traumas in our hometown.

Initially sons dad travelled to us every other weekend and stayed in my guest room which did NOT work out, my ex agreed this was not working. So we agreed to travel half the distance every fortnight and travel half the distance to bring son home, so essentially sharing the travel equally.

Sine Covid I was made redundant, started a new WFH role and that company went into liquidation as well, in the meantime son has developed severe anxiety around attending school and is being assessed for additional needs. So I have very limited options for work at the moment, and a very old banger which needs constant maintenance with the amount of miles I would need to do.

Few months back son has huge falling out with his father and vows not to go and see him anymore (which has been on the cards for some time, their relationship was limping along with lots of encouragement from me to keep it going.) I have since decided that due to fuel costs being so high, barely having enough money to pay bills and pay for food for a boy who eats a lot now, I cannot realistically afford to keep travelling half way and back every fortnight. Sons dad has a company car so doesn’t have to pay to maintain it, and can claim back fuel expenses, lives with his mum and has a very good job. I’ve explained the situation to my ex and said that the times our son wants to see him (which are few and far between currently) that he will need to do all the travelling. I’ve said if he wants to reduce maintenance money in light of this or see our son much less (only school holidays for eg) that’s all fine, and to just work it out with our son who’s old enough now to sort out with his dad when he sees him. I’ve also mentioned he could come down here and stay at a cheap B&B to save fuel costs and time.

AIBU?

She could have saved some. So if she lost her job she didn’t have to welch on her obligation to facilitate her son’s contact with his father

Really? You know that, about a stranger on the internet, that she could have saved some of the inheritance she received?

You’ve been apart a decade and where he lives and what he spends his money on is none of your business

So you can judge where the OP lives and what she spends her money on, but she can't do that in relation to her ex?!

You moved. The person who does the moving should facilitate travel and travel costs. Standard rule apparently.

I know this sounds harsh OP but your personal finances are not his problem. Have you managed to find other employment?

You put your son in a situation where he was exposed to an abusive man and experienced trauma and you moved him away from his dad. You bought a house but are now house poor and can't afford to feed him properly and you moved to a much cheaper area which likely has less CAMHS services.

I am not surprised your son doesn't want to see his dad much right now. It is really hard for dad to maintain a good relationship given your decisions and his current mental health state that makes him not want to leave the house.

You seeing son as needing to be rescued from dads when he calls and deciding to work from home so son can be at home with you all do and not go out is not necessarily what is most healthy for your son.

I really hope he gets some mental health help soon. 13 isn't an easy age to be in the situation he is in. Expecting dad to do all the travel is unreasonable however at this point your son's mental health is a bigger issue than who drives where.

"but he beats the responsibility of not adequately financially supporting his child."

I know they arranged it between themselves rather than going through cms but I don't think he pays less than he should does he?

OP how much does he pay you?

A judge wouldn't make a 12/13 year old go to his dad's house if he didn't want to. He would be judged old enough to never see Dad if that's what he wanted.

You are unreasonable to move 3.5 hours away and expect dad to do all the travelling but if your ex is happy to do so then you don't need to ask us. My ex moved 3.5 hours away and does all the travelling because he moved. He used to live 40 mins away so it's a massive shock for my teens who understandably moan about how far it is. When you decided on a location 3.5 hours away didn't you realise it would negatively affect your son's relationship with his dad? As I said earlier ex used to live 40 mins away and this worked well. Far enough to live different lives but close enough to be able to see the kids easily and go to school events.

It really isn't as simple as "who moved". Everyone seems to be assuming that the dad would have been hands on, regular contact, 50/50 if she hadn't moved. The Op hasn't said either way but its not uncommon for NRPs to do fuck all when living round the corner. If that were the case, the OP as the RP, is perfectly justified to do what is in her and the child's best interests, which is NOT always to bend over backwards to facilitate some half arsed EOW or less arrangement and scupper herself financially in the process. As the RP she will be paying the vast majority of all costs associated with that child and doing all of the actual parenting. Why should she ALSO have to do 50% of his tiny amount of input? There are some unknown variables here but lets not jump to assume that she is automatically in the wrong for moving to a place her and her child are happy and have made a life. The ex could have applied for a prohibited steps order, or asked for 50/50 care. If he did and a court rejected it, I'd have more sympathy but in the absence of that, I'm with the OP. Its different when an NRP moves away (assuming they were EOW or less) and expects the RP to share the travel, as they are already doing very little, and then the "who moved" thing becomes relevant, but not in this case.