Dd home from uni.. we are struggling to adapt. Aibu to admit and to ask for tips?

[Superdoopas]

Dh and I have been by ourself mostly for 4 years now as dd did a degree that involved placements in the holidays.
We have got quite set in our ways. We are semi retired and love a quiet house .. its our haven.
Dd has come home and whilst she is being lovely.. we are struggling to adapt.
For example , I like to spend hours alone in the kitchen batch cooking by myself... find it really relaxing / creative.
Dd knows this but just came in an started chatting. I cant follow recipies and chat.
She cooks a full english mid am.. i normally clean the kitchen each am then its really good for rhe day.
Little routines that I love.

She is looking for a job and applications are in but until then ( may be a long time due to competition) we are starting to feel a bit frazzled.
She is lovely, but she is young with a need for lots of company wereas we often do things like sit and read. I repeat to myself that we are reallt helping her etc , but we are struggling to adapt.
Any pearls of wisdom that can aid us in this transition please.

Just change your priorities for a while.

If batch-cooking can't be done with her... then give up batch-cooking for a while. (Eat out - eat salads and sandwiches- eat chilled supermarket meals... ) Her company is more important.

Go and do something relaxing that you can both do. (Swimming - yoga - walking?)

She won't be with you for long - this is a really precious time.
Make the most of her company.

Help her build up some lovely memories of happy times spent with you.

(Living is adapting. If you are really set in your ways... you might not be long for this world. )

Can't you cook together?

My mother would never let me in the kitchen while she was cooking, so I decided to make sure I changed that with my own kids.
Even now as adults cooking with my son or daughter is a pleasure- we work as amazing teams, and enjoy knowing each others next moves, second guessing what the other needs. Usually combined wih music, it is a fun activity.

How long is the OP supposed to pretend that she’s on holiday in her own home?! Honestly that is just stupid.

OP yes you’ll have to adjust but it’s also fine setting some boundaries. The next time she wanders in for a chat while you’re batch cooking try this “I’m eyeball deep in this now, but how about a walk/cuppa/snack after I’m done.”

as for the kitchen mess. “The next time you cook after I’ve done the morning clean go ahead and wash your dishes and wipe up the counters.” (FFS, that is basic living with someone else manners)

For the other stuff you just need to figure it out, living with people involves compromise from everyone.

last bit of advice don’t listen to the one’s trying to make you feel bad , it’s totally normal.

Can you make a bit of a joke of it, in order to bring the topic up with your daughter? And then hopefully have an effective conversation that helps you both work out which things are important and why, as well as which things shouldn't matter. With regards to the cooking "did you realise that I can only cook if I'm on my own and focussed?" "did you realise I always did it at night when you were little?"

Other things where you have your routines that work, hopefully you can work out some alternative routines together?

My DD returns from a gap year in a week, it's going to be so nice having her home, but also strange having a full house again. Both she and her younger brother ended up boarding and their father is away much of the week so I get very used to a quiet house then suddenly oops we're a family again. Takes a bit of adjustment!

yanbu as you can’t help how you feel.
the easiest thing is to tell her exactly how you feel. Say you would rather batch cook than talk to her, that her presence is annoying etc. Then she will probably leave you alone forever and you won’t have this problem.

I really should read an entire post (no matter how long) before I reply🙂 It must be very difficult for you, maybe you should start confiding in friends or family? It’ll be a big weight off you to at least know others are aware. You need their support and advice it’s too much to deal with alone. 💐

I‘m not sure what’s wrong with wanting some alone time in the kitchen while you cook. I doubt it’s a case of either she talks to you in the kitchen or never.

I like being in my own little unbothered world when I’m in the kitchen, no matter who’s attempting to grace me with their presence. That’s been the case since I started cooking as a teenager.

Christ, having children is a choice you make unfortunately that doesn't stop as they age. This is awful feel sorry for your dd.

A few people have said those of us who don’t get it probably have children.

That isn’t true at all. My dd has just finished her degree and is back home. Ds has just finished his first year and will be back
for the summer.

Yes it becomes noisier and messier but they’re my children and this is their home, and I will never begrudge them being here.

So why not open with I have adhd and I'm struggling with being out of my routine?
You've just opened yourself to a load of shit because you haven't been upfront in your op!

Surely your DD knows you're adhd so surely being honest with her is the best option here.

But you also need to be a bit more flexible, how much batch cooking really needs to be done in 1 week?

I imagine she is struggling too being back at home and is just trying to make the most of it.

Surely you don't batch cook every day?

But can't you see it was what they wanted. They chose what to miss, they rather miss family gathering than Bridge club. And that is ok

I think you need to talk to her quickly so it doesn’t get out of control

Eg - I’d love to chat with you at teatime or come in and chat when you’re cooking, but I can’t bake and chat

You are welcome to cook breakfast but not btwn 10-11 when I clean

etc

make sure you actively suggest doing some things with her as well as say what you don’t want. In fact start with that.

keep the conversation open, make Sunday night a check in time - like a family meeting when anyone can raise things.

also - take this as a wake up call OP, you cannot be more than late 60s and you are going to be a person who has to watch out from getting too set in your ways, or you will end up very isolated, which is bad for cognitive decline. Try replacing work with some voluntary work, keep socialising and have your lovely daughter to stay.

I can see it from ops point of view and others on here point of view enjoy the time you have with her she might not even stay at home for a summer again

It's a huge change for her too. My dd is 25 now, living in shared house in another city. I love the times she is home cooking with me in the kitchen, and I cherish them, knowing how rare they will become when she settles in her own home.
I thought you were going to say she was keeping you awake half the night, or being unpleasant. But cooking breakfast and chatting...

My advice is to enjoy what you have now. Let her cook with you. Go and have some fun together. You are so lucky.

This is so simplistic. Having children doesn't mean you are beholden to another adult for the rest of your life.

I found it difficult when ds1 moved back home from university- all of a sudden there was washing in the machine when I went to put some in, there were sodden towels that had been dry when I last saw them, there were heavy footsteps on the stairs again...

And yet, when he first left for university I was a sobbing, snivelling mess for a few days, and I felt the emptiness acutely. I didn't know how I'd get used to the ds1-shaped hole in the house.

But you do get used to the new way of life. Just remind yourself that this is a new phase. Think back over all the other phases (new baby/toddler/first day at Big School/GCSEs etc). Each one brings joy and probably some upset and disruption to your equanimity.

This one is no different. You'll start to find the pleasure in the new status quo. Don't forget, either- for four years your daughter has become an adult and no doubt will have her own way of living an adult life. It's difficult for her too, I'm sure.

Maybe set aside some time- an afternoon, a day, an evening- just to reconnect with her on this new level. It'll soon become the 'norm'.

Can you book time with her to do things? You want to batch cook maybe you could get her to help chop, stir whatever? Make what has been alone time for you into a partnership event. Do the batch cooking and then say "phew! I'm worn out!! I'm going to go sit and read while you clean up and then we can go to that shop to look at that business suit you might need"

Failing all else get her a dog that she has to walk several times a day so you have some quiet time without her!!!😁

Have you any idea how tough things are for young people starting out these days?

It wasnt the same in your day, god no.

Competition for jobs that pay enough to rent a room and be independent is massive, nepotism still plays most the cards, these youngsters have huge university debt and are then expected to do free 'work experience' for god knows how long, travel to work is outrageously expensive and the prospect of ones own home is a pipe dream.

And you are worried about your batch cooking????

You have no idea. Ignorant and selfish

There are quite a few of us replying from the DDs position, of how that feels.
I didn't realise that being a parent stops as soon as DC leaves for uni.

For me, this runs deeper than simply you feeling like your routine has been tampered with.

Cleaning the kitchen...every day? When there are usually two of you in the house? How much mess are you making?

I understand the concept of batch cooking, but as others have pointed out, surely you aren't batch cooking every day? I thought the point of batch cooking is that you do it less often, but in bulk, so you don't have to prepare meals every day?

I see that you've acknowledged you have ADHD, which will play a part, but something else just feels a bit 'off' to me. You do seem very, very set in your ways, at the expense of spending time with your DD.

Have you considered that your need to have such strict routine may be impacting your day-to-day life more than you realise? I really hope this doesn't sound patronising - that's not my intention at all. Just trying to give an outsiders perspective.

I thought you were going to write about drugs or parties... not chatting to you! How dare she!!

We have 2 of them back!, my dd and Dp's dd (who I've not lived with full time but there's no longer a place for her at her dms), I miss the piece and quiet too, can't even push off to the pub because they come but I wouldn't have it any other way. They deserve a loving home after their lockdown university years

I’m dreading DS going off to uni. To have the opportunity to have him home again and spend some extra time with me before he goes off and lives his own life for good would be a dream come true! Don’t understand your attitude towards your poor DD at all. Time with our children is so short but you make it sound like a burden.

@Paq that was my thought, how old can op be. When the kids get too messy we push off on the motorbike so they can't come (if we went out in the car they are standing there to join us)