Colleague offered help to a man friend and told inappropriate

[lunavista]

Ok so my colleague (work friend) told me this story in total mortification and I am trying to help.

She has a male family friend she has known for ages. He's married with a child. His wife is travelling to see her dying mother and he's staying back with their child. They often text to say hello etc and when she heard about his wife, she offered to come over for the weekend and help with the child. He then told her that it would be inappropriate for him to have a woman that's not related to him stay at his home in his wife's absence. She is absolutely mortified and doesn't know how to respond. I a personally think he's been a muppet. I asked if she has a good relationship with the wife and she said she doesn't think she approves of their friendship. My colleague is single if that's relevant .

I honestly can't see a problem with her offer. AIBU?

Is there any more help you, sorry your colleague needs op?

For instance disguises to aid help her get into the house undercover without the neighbours seeing.

She could pretend to be an over enthusiastic Avon lady, or one of those rediculously expensive hoover demonstators that were knocking about years ago.
Failing that she could absail onto the roof come darkness, with a quick entrance through a dormer wondow.

The possibilities are endless, when you need to help a 'poor' little dad all alone.

I am struggling to understand why I would need female company when I have my wonderful wife who is my world and I adore.

Why should I talk to a person about aspects of my life when I have my wife to share the world with.

Why?

The sex of the other person isn't important. A friend is a friend. But if you don't need friends, then fair enough. A lot of people find it quite suffocating to be the only person in someone's life.

She could dress up as a blade of grass and roll across the path into the house

If that's your opinion on all other people, regardless of sex, then fair enough. You don't need friends. If you're happy with only one person in your life, then you do you.

But most of us want a varied social circle because different personalities bring different things to our lives.

If you're only talking about women, and you feel you don't need to socialise with any women because you have your wife then you're showing your misogyny. You only see women as romantic or sexual partners and not as beings in their own right who can bring valuable support and enrichment as friends. That reflects very badly on you.

That’s quite weird. I have a lovely husband, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also have good male friends. I mean, I don’t only have a single ‘male’ slot in my life, any more than I only have space for one female friend/sister.

I’d be horrified if I were the only person in my DH’s life.

She should respond. "I'm sorry. You're quite right. I was just trying to be helpful, and wasn't thinking of the implications. Kind thoughts to your wife, and her mother. And then get her "hysteria" and inappropriate, unreciprocated, unwanted crush under control.

Opposite sex friends are one thing, and normal. Boundary pushers are another.

"Most of us"....I refute that. Stop hiding behind mythical numbers. ALL of the people that I have in my circle feel the same. My wife would not want it and I do not want it.

This thread has started because the husband has a female friend. AND, his wife is not happy about it to boot. I stand with her on this. He should not have a friend like that because things like this....the subject of the thread...happen!

Yeah, but just because you and your friends are in abusive controlling relationships doesnt make it right.

Good on him for his boundaries.

Very patronising offer imo. Would she have done the same if he was a woman?

'Abusive, controlling relationships'? Oh, give over. Don't band those words about lightly. It makes a mockery of people who are really in those kind of situations.

Thank you.

You don't think it's abusive and controlling to not allow your spouse any friends?

Odd.

Don't be silly now.

Let us imagine a hypothetical situation. I am working with a colleague on a project, she is single.

After concluding our project at work, she asks of I would like to have dinner together to celebrate thr success if the work.

That would entail my wife being at home looking after our youngest while I get dolled up to have dinner with another woman.

No, no, no! I would decline, because my wife deserves better than that. No matter how well intentioned, it just does not feel right.

In what way am I being silly?

Oh, so I'm abusive now.

Brilliant.

That ignored, I have plenty male friends wiht wives and girlfriends. I don't leave my partner at home and go and have dinner with them. You seem to have a strange view of friendship and as PP said above view women in a certain way.

Your view of the world just doesn't line up with the one most people experience.

Having dinner with a colleague is a totally normal scenario.

A loving, respectful and trusting relationship allows for each of you to have a life outside of the marriage with friends and hobbies. And your spouse will watch the kids while the other goes out for some time with friends.

Your relationship only works if neither of you have friends, or have very limited friends. For others, that would be very isolating. If it works for you then great but don't pretend it is in any way normal or healthy. It certainly isn't trusting.

In that you are escalating the debate by alluding to language or ideas that were never present (at least as far as I saw/understood). I never saw anything written about not allowing his spouse any friends.

yes you AIBU - his wife is seeing dying relative...the fact your friend has overed to live with him to help him care for his own child is just weird sorry. Unless you are saying child has special needs.

It is the ultimate expression of trust, it is healthy and may not be normal...but it should.

Thanks.