This has only just dawned on me..

[HowWillIKnow247]

I'm heavily pregnant - baby is due any day now.

Although we've joked about it, it's only just really dawned on me how DP and I will never have the life again we do now, where we can just casually decide what we want to do in the evening or at weekends.

We've had fertility treatment for years and this is a much wanted baby. We are both over the moon and are so excited this is finally happening. We're so looking forward to everything we'll get to do as a family.

But it just dawned on me .. are the days gone where we just say "fancy going cinema this weekend?"

When I mentioned this scenario to DP, the response was "well we can't really because we can't take a baby into a cinema".

It's made me think about all the other things we do and places we go quite spontaneously.
(We've been together 10 years so it's always been just us and the dog).

Are there things you still do like this that haven't been changed so much after having a baby or did everything just completely change and you can't remember what a cinema looks like?!

Yes your life does change irrevocably but you need to embrace it - the family-life side of having a family is actually over incredibly quickly so make the most of it.

We're extremely lucky to still have a close relationship with our teenagers, but IME that's not typical.

I'll always remember overhearing a mum at the school gate picking up her Y6 child saying how her DCs never want to do anything with them anymore even though they keep suggesting things. It made me so sad, but luckily that doesn't seem to have happened to us yet.

PLEASE dont be this person. Someone brought their baby to the new Bond film when I saw it and it cried half the time much to everyone's annoyance and the woman had to leave half way through. Ive had two kids- I just accepted that there are some places babies should not go and cinema is one of them! Its not like babyhood lasts forever- you can easily go to the cinema again when they are older and you wont ruin everyone else's experience either!

You can get a babysitter. You won't be interested in cinemas for the first few months. Yes, life as you knew it will be restricted, but the life you've not had, family days out, taking baby swimming, child hobbies, family holidays and simply enjoying your new baby and new life, will balance it all out.

In the hellish first few months, we completely lost sight of the fact that DS would get older. I mean completely. We genuinely thought we'd be looking after a baby for the rest of our lives, and that we'd made a horrible mistake and ruined everything.

You just have to get through that bit. I'm afraid (full disclosure) there are things you'll miss more than the cinema, like lie-ins, and being able to eat a meal while it's still warm.

There are amazing times at the end of it all, though. Taking DS to the cinema to see a film he's really excited about, or going out for his favourite food, or watching him having fun - it's so much better than when it's just you two doing stuff.

Congratulations!

DS is 3 and we have kept our Odeon Limitless cards. We just take turns and then discuss the film! I love going on my own. But then we can walk to the cinema in 5 minutes.

As for everything else - I won't lie, I miss spontaneous meals out and weekends away on city breaks but we recently had a night away for a gig and it was like old times.

Never is a long time. In reality you will have that life again, we do now our youngest is 15, but while you have young children your life will be different.

But time passes quickly and you will miss the life you had with young children so enjoy every moment of it while you can.

I think you’ll find going to the shops or having a shower (the non luxury things) that are the hardest.

There are of course going to be things you can’t do or are very rare like going cinema, clubbing, child free holidays etc.

Having a child is difficult because exactly as you say you can’t just do what you want and you’ve always got to think about that person before planning anything.

But you adapt.

And you find that doing stuff with your child is just as fun - like feeding the ducks at the pond, collecting pretty leaves, making sandcastles, painting pictures etc - all stuff that as an adult you don’t get to do much but you’ll find you love them!

You basically get to be a child again without anyone judging you 😁

I have thoughts like this. I wouldn't change it of course. We had 12 years together alone. But I know exactly what you mean. Small outings like the cinema, restaurants (doable but not always easy with a baby!) are behind us. Even just sitting down to watch Netflix together - baby only has 30 minute naps and struggles to sleep without me! I know this time will end though and we'll get a bit more freedom again. I knew what having a baby entails and that's the reason why we didn't rush into it and waited 12 years (no fertility struggles, happened first try!). It changes your relationship.. it's harder to find that quality time together. When we have it back again, we'll be older.

You can still be spontaneous, you just have to remember to grab the baby and changing bag.

I keep the changing bag packed and throw a few more nappies and the bottles (I wash and sterilise all the bottles before bed so I know I can just put 3 clean bottles and some formula in my bag and I’ll be fine for the day). I’ll check through it once a week and make sure the spare outfits work for the weather and possibly change the toys around. My daughter is on solids now so I always have some pouches, packaged finger food and easy fruit like a banana or berries in. It takes me 10 minutes to throw some nappies and bottles in the bag, some berries in a pot and pick a pouch out of the cupboard. I mostly keep the pram in the car and I also have two blankets in the car, so if I forget one it doesn’t matter. My daughter has had days where she won’t nap, so I’ve put her in the car grabbed the changing bag and driven to a place so she could nap and I could get out. I don’t think I’ve ever been this spontaneous actually.

You have a dog though so it’s not a actually much different. You spend time trying to find dog and baby fire dog things and your checklist before leaving the house is a bit longer but you’re used to planning things around another being. Babies can go in more places than dogs do.

Childhood is short. You'll have plenty of time to do those things once the small kid phase is over.

Yes life totally changes. Unless you have someone who can babysit at short notice and regularly then no you can do what you have been doing for the past 10 years.
However, you may not want to! You are entering a totally new time in your life which you can’t really have a true understanding of until you go through it and therefore can’t see how family life with a child will be.
As your baby grows into a toddler you will want to do things that the child likes and enjoy that time together as a family. Your pleasure will come from watching your child enjoy something rather than you doing something for you.
Of course as time goes on you will be able to leave the child with your husband and do things alone or with friends and so will he. If you have someone to look after your child then you can do things together but it takes planning and there is always a set time you have to be back so it’s not the spontaneous ‘oh let’s just stay another night’ or similar.
But what you lose in one respect you gain in another with the enjoyment of your child.

Funnily we were meant to be going to the cinema to see a film yesterday with 2 of our children (6 and 4) a kids film obviously but no one could have our 12 month old so we had to cancel. Last time we went to the cinema was frozen 2 before our 3rd child was here, so yes you'll go to the cinema again but it'll probably be a kids film. I can't remember the last time we went as a couple, I think we've been once in 6 years.

We are very lucky we live near family and they help out more than enough, but you can't just spontaneously dump your children on other people at the drop of a hat, if you want to do anything it has to be planned. So yes the spontaneous "let's go out" is over, until they can be left on their own at least. I don't really miss that as I'd been with my husband for 10 years before our first child arrived, we were at the point we felt ready and didn't need to do spontaneous things every weekend. I think if you found yourself pregnant very early in a relationship or young I guess it'd be more difficult, but seeing as you've had years as a couple together I don't think you'll feel like you are missing out. What you gain having a baby is far greater than a spontaneous evening at the Cinema (to me anyway!).

I’ve always taken my children places. Restaurants from when they were tiny babies - nice ones not just pizza express or MacDonald’s, museums, art galleries, gigs (although I begrudge paying for gig tickets for kids), sports events, cinema etc.

They’re used to going places from so young that they knew how to behave. Some of the places were boring for them but they knew that if they walked around this museum for a while and behaved, then they’d be rewarded with eating somewhere of their choice or something from the gift shop etc.

life doesn’t stop unless you want it to.

The new experiences will balance out what you’re missing out.

Somethknf that may sound silly but I’ve really enjoyed is always looking for playgrounds wherever we visit.

Once we were in Georgetown (DC) and discovered the most beautiful streets in our way to a playground. Normally we would have stuck to the Main Street where all the shops and restaurants are.

same with San Fransico, Dolores park is Amazing with awesome views of the city.

Yeah it all changes massively but you adapt to it and you'll find other things go to do that involve the baby such as walks, classes, meals at family friendly pubs.
After a while you really don't remember or think about what it was like before!
As they get older it all starts to trickle back.
Apart from going on an absolute bender I can do almost anything with mine in tow now. They are 6 and 10.
Embrace it, it doesn't last long.

Lol. It's a hand grenade into your life. Every aspect is obliterated. I mean, some kind of life returns but it will never be the same.

Yep. Before DC we'd go for long walks, pub lunches, cinema etc... She's 8 now and I can see we won't be able to have that level of spontaneity again til She's a teenager. But that's just the sacrifice you make!

It totally changed for us. We went from a city centre apartment, walking to and from work and popping into restaurants or bars whenever we wanted, to the suburbs with no family support and two small children seemingly in the blink of an eye (six years ). Covid only added to our rut and we're only slowly starting to come out of the fog now the kids are 4 and 2.

My tips would be to find adult time where you can. We get a takeaway and watch a movie with a bottle of wine on Saturdays, that's our date night these days but we enjoy it. Now that we're WFH a lot we go for a long lunch together once a week at a local cafe while the kids are at nursery.

We tell ourselves we'll get a babysitter once a month and have a night out but in practice we've only done it a few times and often end up having to cancel because someone is sick.

It's very very different, but it's ok, and most importantly it's not forever.

Unless your cinema does special screenings where you can take a baby along please don't take your baby to the cinema as some people are suggesting here. Imagine if there's a couple in there who has planned in advance and paid for a babysitter to watch a film in PEACE and you rock up with a baby who cries and fusses throughout, you'd be furious if you were that couple. I love babies but certain places you don't take a baby.

Babies in the theatre? Please don't unless it is special relaxed performances. It's an even worse idea than taking them to ordinary cinema screenings.

Yes, this is really important to me. I know that building relationships with your children start from the beginning. And I'd feel sad if they didn't want to spend time with us when they're older because we haven't invested in this when they were smaller.

It does depend on some extent what you like doing and the model of baby/ child you're allocated 😆

I found the first year OK as we could still go to the local for a bar meal and it was fairly civilised. When he got to being a toddler however... let's just say that Friday night out became Morrisons Cafe...
Then we added DS2 into the mix so were restricted by toddler1 then DS2 became the toddler.

Suddenly life felt easier at 3/5. No buggies, special food, fairly civilised. DS1 is a harder than average model as he's rather sensory from Autism. This was not clearly labelled at the point of ordering said offspring. Not that he was returning to where he came from at that point 😂

I remember a moment on a camping holiday at 5/7 and for the first time in years, just going "ahhh" as they played with other children.

We don't have babysitters. There are few people DS1 would be happy with and I'm not paying ££ for a (DBSed) stranger to come in. It's not worth the bother and stress. At 9/11, I'm begining to look ahead a bit to starting to venture back to the local for a bar meal again. The flip side of that is that always having a tendency to being night owls, we don't get adult time as the DCs are close to our waking hours and we're too knackered to enjoy the time difference left.

They are worth it though!

When we had our first we were still able to do a lot of things. Maybe not the cinema and pub, but we travelled a lot and had plenty days out. I think it depends on your baby though. Some people have a really hard time with a newborn and barely get a chance to shower and brush their hair. DS rarely cried, slept a lot and travelled well which made life easier.

@Silverswirl
I am really looking forward to this and the enjoyment well get from seeing our baby enjoying life. I've been so excited thinking of all that we'll get to do together. Things we've talked about for years. We've been having fertility treatment for 5 years and have always talked about what we'll do when the baby comes along. Places we'll go etc, So we do feel incredibly lucky right now.

We did different things…spontaneously.

Picnics, walks, beach trips, city farm etc.

Are you making use of any parent networking opportunities? In the baby years the couples we made friends with at NCT classes and then NCT Tea group became a great social circle because socialising home and at people’s houses becomes so much easier when everyone can bring their babies. Suddenly wine and crisps at each other’s houses replaces a lot of bar hopping.

Be adventurous, get out there, do new and different things WITH your baby.

Cinema was too stressful for me with a baby, but we did go to art galleries, outdoor events etc.