To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

I gave him half the savings because that's what the people of MN advised me to do at the time

Right, so you’re a well-paid professional who hands a cock lodger half her savings, on the say-so of internet randoms? Bullshit.

No, but every thread you read on here about people splitting up, the advice is always take half the money from the joint account so he can't screw you over and leave you with nothing. My solicitor also advised that I need to leave half if we were splitting up.

Fully aware that I made a stupid decision last time. Hence why I said I'm not doing anything until I'm emotionally and financially prepared this time.

Absolutely, I wouldn't expect anyone to say 'That's it, I hear you, I'm off'

However when what is said isn't particularly acknowledged, I suppose I was looking for a response of some kind - even if it's a 'I'm not ready to hear that yet'

Bet he'd do it if you split up.

Can you explain (to yourself) why you say you love him?

What is loveable? He doesn't think about you at all. He leeches off you and he doesn't even seem kind.

I think you need to explore that

I'm sorry. I promise I am taking everyone's comments on board. It's been eye-opening. But due to being burned previously, I'm not ready to take drastic steps yet. Although I think I know deep down that those steps do need to be taken.

Good luck OP, you will work out what to do

You say you would have to accept the deposit being gone in the case of a split, and that he would argue that he was paying the mortgage.

So he's not a decent man then? (I mean that's already evident in the way he's treating you - but you wouldn't even trust him to behave honourably and with fairness?)

Genuinely what does he have going for him?

I split with my ex a few years ago, the deposit for the house was from him - nothing in writing to say as such, but obviously I agreed it should go back to him before we split the rest of the equity. Because I'm not an arsehole?

OP he agreed to "pay half" the kitchen because he was using the logic that his half would be from the joint account that you'd saved the money into. He never had any intention of paying half of his own money.

You'll never get anywhere with this person. The only option is to put your foot down about a fair split of bills and costs going forward. But you know he won't agree to it. He clearly has no respect for you .

I hope you find the strength to walk away from this loser.

Surely you have proof of the deposit?

Help yourself OP.

You are going to end up badly off financially unless you really cop yourself on.

I find it hard to believe that your successful at work and so ineffective at home.
is it his dick that has you so enmeshed with him? Honest question?
we’re talking simple math here, cost of living has gone up HE needs to pay more. You paid for XYZ, he needs to pay for ABC.
the unfinished jobs are driving you nuts, either he does them or he contacts it out.
IF he’s unwilling to discuss, pay up, work then the reality is both of you have different priorities and staying together being miserable is a wasted life.

Of course he wouldn't go for that. Why wouldn't you want to own a 50% share of a property while only paying a fraction towards it.
Equally he doesn't want to contribute to a new kitchen, he doesn't need or want a new one the old one to him is probably doing the job.

But my point is you at least deserve a larger share while contributing more and I think we both know that if you went ahead and did the kitchen from your own pocket your partner wouldn't suddenly be a different person. He helped around the house at first to get a foot back in the door then slipped back to being the real him and in seeing you're putting up with it you have to face it that that is how he's going to be.
Your partners very lucky that he has someone willing to pay such sums to ensure his comfort.

I really feel for you but by splitting up with him, your doing, and taking him back has shown him that you really do need him in your life and I'm guessing for him he feels that's his feet under the table and it's all your getting.

OP tell him to start paying for half of everything or fuck off. Fuck proportional income.

He can't afford to pay half. He doesn't earn enough.

Do you ever sit down and go over each other’s finances as a couple?
do you genuinely know where each other’s pennies are? Including pensions?
what has he done with the recent financial split of savings? Should he be using that to fund the 50/50 of bills? Why is he not volunteering this for house reno’s including painting and repairs?

We sat down and went over finances when we were in the process of getting a mortgage together. Never done it since.

I don't know what accounts he has or how much money he has/where it is. Everything is separate.

The full financial disclosure needs to be discussed. Economic times have changed, rising cost of living etc.
if you run out of money you will loose the house, if it’s inevitable then some maintenance and upkeep may be needed to sell at the best price.
bottom line you are both living beyond your means if indeed his wage is so minimal.

He can't afford to pay half. He doesn't earn enough.

Are you sure? If he was in a house share or HMO wouldn’t he be paying more rent and bills?

OK yes he does have enough coming in to pay half but after half the bills and his personal spends - petrol, phone, etc he would be left with next to no spare cash at all. I don't think that's fair? That's why I keep suggesting proportional split or just lump all money together.

do NOT lump all money together unless formally wed or in a rock solid relationship with excellent financial boundaries.

have him pay 50/50 as he should and give him an allowance of sorts? many men do this for women.

He’s never going to change though, he’s on a cushy one here. He can wait for you to get everything sorted and then walk out with 50%.

I find it quite baffling that you can empathise with his financial situation, when he has screwed you over money-wise for years, and he doesn't care when you've pointed it out and asked for a fairer contribution from him. He doesn't care that you're now struggling, and he took an unfair share of your savings without batting an eyelid.

You previously mentioned ‘getting burned’ because you ‘splitting up with him before you were ready’. Meaning what, exactly? How did ending this relationship adversely affect you?

The ‘stupid decision’ wasn’t splitting up, it was getting back with him. I’m not trying to be unkind, but surely you must see that?

I read your previous thread. This man is a piece of shit. If you don’t end this, you are actively choosing to spend the next X amount of years in service to a piece of shit. Aren’t you tired?!

A proportional split of finances, or just lumping everything together, is perfectly fine when you are in a long term relationship where you are acting as a team. You are combining your lots so you can support one another.

The issue, OP, is that he is not acting like a team - he is taking advantage of you and gives no shits about it either. So if he is not acting like you are a team then you either need to go 50/50 (which by the sounds of it would mean scaling down your lifestyle so he can afford it) or ditching him. In your shoes I would do the latter, but I understand you're not feeling ready for this step just yet.

100% this! ⬆️ Screw the kitchen - you need a new partner!!