To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

Our kitchen is just over 30 years old, we have been living here for 7 years and had intended to have the kitchen changed already.

We are happily married with 2 fairly equal incomes in industry's that should remain safe going through a recession, and we have savings.

We will be delaying any renovations, other than essential maintenance and upgrades that we can do ourselves without spending large amounts of money, until the economy settles down, which isn't going to be any time soon.

Rehang the doors, look again at the dishwasher, I don't understand why you wouldn't be able refit a new integrated one, replace the lino with a discounted roll end. Paint the cabinets and handles if you feel the need.

Don't get in debt over it.

Stop being a mug op

I'm not niaeve enough to think installing a new kitchen is going to fix all of our problems - it isn't. But I'm focusing on it because it's a way to motivate him to actually doing something, otherwise I'm going to be stuck in this same position in another 9 years time.

If I just replace the dishwasher, he'll use that as an excuse not to do any renovations at all. And the house badly needs it.

I would look at transferring some of the bills into his name and get some balance

Don't do this, because it will help him argue he has contributed.

Insist on - at worst - a 70:30 contribution. But you won't, will you, OP?

That's what I'm already doing. I've only been putting 70% into the joint account for the last couple of months.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working.
I'm really hoping he's not waiting for you to do the house up then be quids in when he wants his 50%.

If that was his end-game surely he would be making an effort to get the house in order not delaying it?

Why would he, when he thinks you'll pay for it.

Whose names are the bills in?
If yours I would start transferring some into his name. Legally you're liable, but the shift maybe enough of a kick to get him seeing things differently.... Maybe start with gas and electricity...
Tbh, @alittlecroquetta it does sound as though the relationship cannot recover no matter how much you'd hope it would. It maybe better to have an adult discussion about how to move forward separately if he cannot manage a discussion about how to manage the fianances as grown ups...

He has insinuated that he would pay half of it. That's why the argument came about that the savings in his account are not "his half".

My response is "well, something has to give because I can't carry on like this" he says ok fine we'll speak about it at the weekend. Weekend comes, I'm tired from work, conversation doesn't happen, then before I know it it's time to pay the bills again

OP you are an intelligent person. You can see that by saying "I can't carry on like this", your DP just has to fold his arms and go, OK, right, aaaaand.... leaving you with the problem of what happens now that you've declared you can't go on like this.

Hes mugging you off, he is telling you who he is, someone who isn't willing to do anything more than the very bare minimum to keep you from kicking his sorry arse out, putting the house in the market, splitting the proceeds and walking away. <<<< This is of course figuratively speaking but you get my drift.

Trouble is, he knows you won't take any drastic action, so he's sitting pretty, happy to flop along aimlessly, being a passenger.

whether you want to accept that reality or not, it's there and your choice whether to let things continue.

A replacement built in dishwasher is easy enough to get - we did ours a couple of years ago. But, as others have said, this is a minor problem in the grand scheme of things. It seems like your 'D'P is unwilling to do anything to improve the situation so maybe it's time for a split and a house sale for your own well being.

Not necessarily.
You say you split up once before, was that you or him?
If him why did he come back?
Cost of living to high and he couldn't/didn't want to spend all his wages on it?
Or was it your doing due to having had enough and feeling he needed a sharp shock.

I'm just surprised that he's come back to you with exactly the same attitude and is not wanting to make any real contribution into making your home a nice place decore wise, which in turn will please you and show he cares.

You're right. He's just sitting back waiting on me doing everything. Like he has always done.

How can anyone possibly be happy just flopping along aimlessly though? I find it infuriating.

It was my decision. I'd had enough and didn't know what else do to.

We decided to try again though and like I said, he did improve for a long time. Took on the housework, bought loads of lovely nick-nacks for the house. Now it's slipped again.

I'll need to have a serious conversation about things.

OP, you’re vacillating. He doesn’t love you, he’s a leach, but you don’t want to do anything as you don’t like change? He’s financially abusive, and if you get ‘muddled’ when you want to talk to him seriously, that’s him making you feel the way. Emotional abuse and manipulation.
Get better legal advice, offer him the smallest amount to get him out, sell the house, buy something for you. Don’t look back. The time you’ve already spent together is a sunken cost, you can’t justify continuing with him on those grounds, cut your loses, and get rid.

OP.....do YOU never feel you're just "flopping along aimlessly"
trying to get him to have the conversation?
There's 52 weekends in a year which one is he waiting for.

What would he say if you asked him to remove his name from the mortgage and deeds in exchange for you paying everything and him contributing to rent and a set amount for utilities?
Because from how I see it he's behaving like a lodger...

Yes I've felt like I've been flopping along too. I get very restless and frustrated. Hence why I'm feeling the need to jump in and do something i.e. the kitchen.

He would absolutely 100% never go for that. Why would he? I wouldn't either if I was in his position. The only solution is to either get him to pay his way or split and sell up.

Op the big problem is not an outdated kitchen or chores. It is the fact that you have actually purchased a house that a man who you’re not married to owns half of. You pay every bill, for all the food and effectively gave him half your saving when you broke up.
Even by mums net standards this is insane, it’s not even like the normal cocklodgers on here who do it by stelth, you actively agreed when you moved in that you would pay all the bills.
Please get some self worth because I can only assume he has never treated you out of his hoard of money, no holidays, no flowers not anything because he obviously does not love you.
Before you take any steps or legal advice start putting the bills into joint names. Tell him, and none of this ‘he said no’ rubbish that it is 50/50 now. So you have can save. Then get a solicitor to see how fucked you are with the house, or if you can salvage the 9 years worth of mortgage payments. I bet you put most, if not all the deposit down so at least you have that. Lastly, don’t worry about him, he has his savings and probably a back up since you last broke up just in case.

Can you buy him out and end the relationship. Seems the best option

Before you take any steps or legal advice start putting the bills into joint names

Definitely do not do this. It is handing him ammo to argue that he is making a fair contribution.

I gave him half the savings because that's what the people of MN advised me to do at the time.

I didn't actively agree to pay all the bills either when we moved in but the split felt more proportionate when we first moved in together. The council tax was and still is high. The mortgage and utilities were low - unfortunately they're not now. And he used to do all the food shopping too which he does still buy bits and pieces during the week but largely fallen to me now too.

He does buy me flowers every week but I've told him before the flowers and trinkets are lovely but what I actually really want is for him to finish painting the bathroom door and fix the upstairs light fitting.

I paid the deposit for the house but I haven't ringfenced it so that's gone too. I've come to terms with everything needing to be split equally. I brought all that on myself.

Because everything comes out of a joint account that we both pay into, my solicitor advised that this will be seen as him contributing. And he can argue that he's been paying the mortgage.

You've already wasted so much time on this man. It's tragic. Just get rid of him.