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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

320 replies

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 20:24

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

  • we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
  • it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
  • can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

  • we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
  • I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
  • we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
  • my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HelloCello · 02/07/2022 21:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WoolyMammoth55 · 02/07/2022 21:32

OP, in general I'm in agreement with PPs and think you need to consider whether this relationship is working for you - more than just the kitchen.

BUT I'm also a big fan of re-working existing kitchens! If doors are hanging off you need new hinges but maybe not new doors? You can totally get a new built-in dishwasher, you could get one delivered tomorrow! Maybe get the cabinets re-sprayed? New Ikea countertops, new floor if it's ropey - we have this quickstep in our bathroom and it's gorgeous :) www.flooringsupplies.co.uk/product/19313/quickstep_classic_mocha_brown_oak_clm5797_laminate_flooring
You don't have to spend loads, it might be £2K to do all this including the dishwasher with labour. Have a think.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2022 21:36

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 21:11

We're not married and the house is in both names.

The split for the bills felt proportion when we first moved in together but with everything rising, having to get car finance etc. I need him to contribute more. Which I've asked for but it's never happened.

FFS, op, why the fuck have you been such a mug? Dump this loser and sell the house. He's had a free ride long enough.

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 21:40

Yes I struggle to pay all the bills without going into my overdraft but when I didn't buy this place with the intention of paying everything on my one wage. I costed everything based on us both working and contributing.

I would love to do a DIY kitchen @WoolyMammoth55 but we tried to do a DIY bathroom and 7 years later it still isn't finished. DP isn't good at DIY and I don't have the time/energy. I swore never again and need a company in to do a good job and do it properly.

OP posts:
SunscreenCentral · 02/07/2022 21:49

Get out now. Seriously.

Anyone buying the property will probably want to put in their own taste in a kitchen and will feel happier about pulling out a tired one.

OperaStation · 02/07/2022 21:57

What has he been doing with all of his salary if you pay the mortgage and all of the bills?

JacquelineCarlyle · 02/07/2022 22:00

Get a new partner as yours sounds shit!

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:02

OperaStation · 02/07/2022 21:57

What has he been doing with all of his salary if you pay the mortgage and all of the bills?

Saving it I suspect. I have no idea.

OP posts:
GoldenSpiral · 02/07/2022 22:07

Why are you with this man? This is bonkers.

katishot · 02/07/2022 22:08

Don't understand why he's not paying towards the bills and mortgage. How was him paying fuck all and you paying the bulk of it proportionate to your salaries when you moved in together? Was he earning next to nothing or what?
You should get rid of the cocklodger. Do not get a new kitchen put in until you have established what is going to happen because this relationship is going nowhere.

REignbow · 02/07/2022 22:10

I agree with PP. He’s a cocklodger.

You are getting yourself into debt paying the majority of the bills, you have asked him to contribute more and he won’t.

Let me hazard a guess that YOU do the majority of the chores etc?

Cavviesarethebest · 02/07/2022 22:11

Cripes why would you want to live like this. Leave him.

Skodacool · 02/07/2022 22:16

All income should be family money.

Paq · 02/07/2022 22:20

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩cocklodger alert🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Viviennemary · 02/07/2022 22:22

If money is tight you can't afford a new kitchen. You will have to make do with the one you've got. Getting into debt will make everything worse. Then you need to rethink who contributes what.

SummerL0ving · 02/07/2022 22:23

Why are you with someone who is draining you financially and who you suspect is unfairly keeping money? This is not a happy relationship. I do not understand how you can continue with a partner and presumably sleeping with them when they are treating you like this. Life should be much better than this OP. Trust me.

LilyMarshall · 02/07/2022 22:24

Why did you get back with him?

justasking111 · 02/07/2022 22:25

GoldenSpiral · 02/07/2022 22:07

Why are you with this man? This is bonkers.

I remember the other thread and was thinking the same thing. Throw him out unless he comes clean about his savings. He's bleeding you dry

Savingpeoplehuntingthings · 02/07/2022 22:26

It's not a new kitchen that you need...

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/07/2022 22:26

YANBU about the kitchen. YABU thinking the kitchen is the issue when it's his behaviour and lack of fair contribution. I wouldn't put a new kitchen into a place I might well be selling soon. Sit down and talk, if you can't work it out, if he won't contribute fairly then LTB. You can replace a built in dishwasher, we did it in our kitchen. I'd get the dishwasher, but I wouldn't be bothering to go through the stress and expense of a kitchen renovation unless the relationship issues were sorted.

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:28

REignbow · 02/07/2022 22:10

I agree with PP. He’s a cocklodger.

You are getting yourself into debt paying the majority of the bills, you have asked him to contribute more and he won’t.

Let me hazard a guess that YOU do the majority of the chores etc?

Bingo. I do 90% of the housework.

OP posts:
alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:28

Which combined with working FT is why I'm kicking up about hand washing dishes.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 02/07/2022 22:31

He should pay he's not paying anything else. X
If he didn't and he was my husband he'd be out. X

allboysherebutme · 02/07/2022 22:33

Say to him you will pay half for the kitchen but he has to pay half of everything else too simple. X

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2022 22:33

Why are you with him? Is he god like in bed or something?