To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

Well done, OP!

Why are you with this useless man. Raise your standards.

Brilliant update, I really hope you find some happiness in your new life without him.

Get rid and take in a lodger who will actually pay their way! I couldn't respect this guy at all.

Why are you paying the bills with half of your savings and giving him the other half of your savings just for being for you?

Ah the dates! We'll done OP.

how do you feel op?

Agreed. Why are you paying so many of the bills?!

Oops sorry....that'll teach me to RTFT. Well done OP.

@alittlecroquetta you are kicking off about the wrong thing.

It’s like you are not hearing what everyone is saying to you.

Forget about the kitchen. Thins person is no good for you.

Giving him half the savings was a good idea, but not if you took him back!!!!

Taking him back was the silly idea, I mean, you could have taken it all and had him back

It’s like you are not hearing what everyone is saying to you.

Shes left him - maybe you aren’t listening?

The kitchen is a side issue, the relationship is dead. You need to split.

And, you cannot insist he pays for a new kitchen when he obviously hasn't got the money for bills 💰💰 where will he magic it from??

I agree that he sounds like a cocklodger.

Good lord. Why are you fretting over a kitchen when you’ve got this useless lump in your life? Kick him to the kerb then you can focus on your home.

Then he needs another job to give him spending money

How did it go, OP? Did he move out?

Great update!!

But he’s already not doing anything so I think if replacing the dishwasher will benefit you do it. He’s not going to step up and do anything anyway.

As PP have been saying, he’s taking advantage, potentially saving more of his salary so he’s got enough to leave. Or just to have a nicer life and treat himself while you struggle.

If you can get all your financial ducks in a row, talk to a solicitor, you might find it it isn’t a 50/50 split if your contributions are greater. But I don’t think staying in the relationship is really an option here. You already resent him, it’s not going to get better.

Get therapy now anyway - value yourself, you deserve so much better. 💐

i won't add to the LTB recommendations but I did want to make a recommendation of my own.
used/ex display designer kitchens cut your costs massively. We (or rather our insurance) paid £11k for a kitchen that had originally cost around £70k, complete with every appliance under the sun and granite worktops. You can pick up some superb bargains. Some of my friends at work have done this too
we used www.theusedkitchencompany.com/
you'd never guess ours was used. I'd send a photo but sadly I'm on holiday and don't have one.
whether you stay with this knob or not, I presume you still need a new one. Good luck

So glad to read that, he was a useless freeloading bag of shit.

Well done OP. Here's to you

Great update OP.
Always happy to hear another cocklodger gone.
Hope you manage to sort out your house to your advantage. FYI when I had to get rid of an ex-partner who was on the title deeds and mortgage and had made small contributions he did accept being bought out at a small price as solicitor advised him he would get less if it went to court.

Good update OP! Back in July, there was not a single post in support of your ex. That speaks volumes, because usually there would be at least a few with the opposing view. You have done the right thing and hopefully won’t waver.

Separating is hard, though. Even when it’s the right option. I hope you’re ok and have the support of friends and colleagues.