To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

But your letting this carry on.sorey this is kind of on you.it doesn't sound like coerrtion or abuse because hes nuat saying no and your letting him.
He's not forcing you or manipulating your simply not changing anything.
I no that puts it onto you,he's a dickhead for doing this and not doing the right thing for his partner.But this does have to come from u.
But he's a horrid man if he's doing this.
Are you happy?if not why are you with him.
You can't even say I'm staying because I won't cope financially like some victims
.because you'd actually be better off!
You don't sound like you have any feelings towards him?

Replacing an integrated dishwasher really is easy - I got a local appliance store to measure up and swap it over for me. Wish I’d done it years ago rather than limping on with one on its last legs. There is a whole range of integrated dishwashers that are std sizes. No need to do the whole kitchen.

He is taking you for a mug. I don’t know whether you intend to have a family one day but do you seriously think he’ll step up or will he expect to carry on enjoying his easy lifestyle while you exhaust yourself. He really is a waste of space.

I voted that you are being unreasonable.

The unreasonable bit is that you want to rearrange the deckchairs, essentially.

It's unreasonable of you to even consider keeping this man in your life.

I hope you'll open your eyes and see that.

You are living with a parasite.

Stop paying the bills or stop having a relationship with this man. He can't just stonewall you and say no to his adult responsibilities. What does he bring to the table? Any positives?

Unless he earns £5k to your £150k, the split of bills is completely unfair to you; he is bleeding you dry and doesn't contribute anything.

What is the actual point of him? He sounds like a complete waste of space.

And this approach won't work, he doesn't care about a new kitchen or want to pay the bills. And why would he when he's got you to pay and clean for him? He'll just shut you down again.

On this basis, I would seriously consider getting your financial situation sorted first as the priority.

I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.

why are you paying all the mortgage? And all other bills? That isn't a fair split.

He’s a cocklodger. Get rid, and get a place with a new kitchen. Not easy, but long term, why would you want to support this lazy, selfish parasite? It’s difficult now, so a permanent spilt would be short term angst, but better for you in the future.

Are you charging him rent? I think you need some kind of evidence that he is not paying his way or contributing to family life and get rid.

See a solicitor. In the meantime, get a new dishwasher. We had the same problem as you, while waiting for a new kitchen, and we just put a new freestanding one into the gap left by the broken built-In one. It stuck out a bit, but it was basically fine and -importantly- it washed the dishes.

A new kitchen is short term one off just sort finance properly .
Get a new freestanding dishwasher rip out built in one

To me he's obviously keeping the half of the savings pot he got in readiness to leave.

Not married but it's joint names on both deeds and mortgage. I spoke to a solicitor last time and everything will be 50/50 unfortunately.

Why am I with him? I love him and he's good company. I'm scared of change and I don't want to lose the house.

Thank you @PyongyangKipperbang I jumped the gun last time on MN advice and found myself totally unprepared financially or emotionally. I won't be doing it again until I'm ready.

Do I think he's using his/our savings to leave me? Possibly. He was furious when he found out that I had already contacted solicitors etc last time. Our relationship recovered but it hasn't been the same since. Maybe he is just biding his time too.

Also (sorry for all the posts - just catching up) I've done the spreadsheet thing. Calculated all our income v outgoings to show who can cover what and how much personal spends we would each be left with. He looked at it once, pulled a face, and refused to look at it again.

Oh my goodness you need to get rid of him. He will bleed you dry.

Do not invest in a kitchen that he will take half the value of.

He's not going to change, is he, even to save the relationship? So you have a choice. Carry on as you are, or leave him. I can't comprehend loving someone who treats you as he does, but I'm not you. But, if you stay, there is fuck all point expecting him to pay for the kitchen, because it ain't going to happen. You are choosing to be treated like shit.

Agreed.
You carry on as is.
Or you separate.

To think it will be any different to the two options above is to delude yourself.

This cannot be an option for him. He needs to pay.

He did step up once we got back together. He got his arse in gear and started doing >50% of the housework and it was great. Unfortunately it has slipped again though.

I think the reason I'm probably focusing on the kitchen so much is I want him to actually do something. He never takes the lead on anything and I'm getting fed up of us both just coasting through life.

I said that to him. What would happen if I looked at the mortgage repayments and just said "nah, not paying all that". It's just not possible.

I have started the past 2 months to slowly pull back on how much I'm putting into the joint account, so he's been forced to put in a bit extra. He's not said anything about it yet.

That still wouldn’t be fair, they’re not married,, don’t have kids, having a shit wage doesn’t mean your partner owes it to you to buy you a house!

Have I got that right OP, are you basically buying him a house? He gets 50% of the house whilst you pay 100% of the mortgage (and he builds up HIS savings)?

This has to stop. I wouldn’t do proportional at this point, I’d insist on 50/50. If he can’t afford that, he can fuck off. Also, stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing and stop any other skivvying you do for him. He has absolutely zero respect for you, it’s time he learnt you’re not his slave.

Keep your spreadsheet detailed with what he is contributing and what you are contributing. Go back some months too.

continue to reduce your contributions.

give him a list of household jobs that he has failed to do, ask him why he thinks these are all your responsibility.

speak to your solicitor again.

him refusing to contribute a fair amount is stopping you being able to save but allows him to.