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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

320 replies

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 20:24

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

  • we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
  • it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
  • can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

  • we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
  • I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
  • we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
  • my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 02/07/2022 22:36

Magic golden cock, presumably? The kitchen is the least of your problems.

Biscuitandacuppa · 02/07/2022 22:36

I don’t have huge amounts of spare cash for a new bathroom/kitchen but need both. So far this year I’ve bought a new shower cubicle and toilet in a sale and paid a plumber a set price to fit them. I’ll do the sink and bath when I’ve saved up enough and there is another sale on.

I had some water damage in the kitchen which ruined the sink unit and my corner pull out ripped out of the fixings. I bought sticky back plastic and covered the base boards, made some curtains to cover the missing doors and made it look quite nice!

My point is that you can do things more cheaply if you are prepared to compromise. AO or Curry’s sell integrated dishwashers you can replace that without ripping out the whole kitchen. Your biggest issue is that you aren’t happy in your relationship, it isn’t a partnership of equals financially or domestically. I’d be having a serious think why you want to stay together.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 02/07/2022 22:37

What the current wage difference ie if you earn 60k to his 20k type thing all bills should be devided by money coming in and not including personal bills like mobiles and car finance, but also the kitchen should be 50 50 since you did split the savings and spent your share

Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:39

allboysherebutme · 02/07/2022 22:33

Say to him you will pay half for the kitchen but he has to pay half of everything else too simple. X

I like this suggestion. Thank you x

OP posts:
Greenberg · 02/07/2022 22:41

It's ridiculous that you earn more and have less disposable income. I don't know how you agreed this arrangement. Obviously it should be fair, and he should have some spending money, but then so should you. It's outrageous that you're paying all the bills, going into your overdraft while he's only paying council tax and saving his salary in his personal account.

Don't put up with it any longer. It should be a dealbreaker.

SummertimeTremdendous · 02/07/2022 22:42

I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work.
I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

Wow, this is one very expensive man to keep!

I take it he is a male model and incredibly beautiful and thats why you are financing him in this way? Maybe a handsome Italian gigolo type with all the charm? I'm struggling to think why you would otherwise pay for this man to live with you. He really needs to find a job and pay his own way! He sounds so expensive!

Blinkingbatshit · 02/07/2022 22:44

Oh💐…sorry, I agree - you don’t need him to pay for a new kitchen, you need a new house without him. Cut your losses now, find your own home, leave him to his miserly selfish misery.

Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:44

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 02/07/2022 22:37

What the current wage difference ie if you earn 60k to his 20k type thing all bills should be devided by money coming in and not including personal bills like mobiles and car finance, but also the kitchen should be 50 50 since you did split the savings and spent your share

I've suggested splitting the bills as a % of our income. He said no. I've suggested pooling the money and giving ourselves £x amount of personal spends. He said no.

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 02/07/2022 22:45

What's your response when he says no?

Does he say WHY he's saying no? Does he actually think it's fair, or is open about taking you for a ride.

Either way, he's not a keeper.

LilyMarshall · 02/07/2022 22:47

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:44

I've suggested splitting the bills as a % of our income. He said no. I've suggested pooling the money and giving ourselves £x amount of personal spends. He said no.

Show quote history

Throw. Him. The fuck. Out.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 02/07/2022 22:49

Well of course he will say no as he knows he can walk all over you, tell him he pays ta proper share or to leave simple

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2022 22:53

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 21:40

Yes I struggle to pay all the bills without going into my overdraft but when I didn't buy this place with the intention of paying everything on my one wage. I costed everything based on us both working and contributing.

I would love to do a DIY kitchen @WoolyMammoth55 but we tried to do a DIY bathroom and 7 years later it still isn't finished. DP isn't good at DIY and I don't have the time/energy. I swore never again and need a company in to do a good job and do it properly.

You're not listening...

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/07/2022 22:54

He’s really enjoying living off you, isn’t he? If he truly loved you, he would care that you have no money and are picking up the lions share of the bills and housework.

PurpleNebula84 · 02/07/2022 22:56

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 22:44

I've suggested splitting the bills as a % of our income. He said no. I've suggested pooling the money and giving ourselves £x amount of personal spends. He said no.

Show quote history

That's because he knows he has got it so easy - why would you give up your easy ride if you (quite seemingly) take his 'no' as his final answer 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I've been there - it doesn't end well - although thank my lucky stars I never put him on my mortgage xx

Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 23:00

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2022 22:53

You're not listening...

Show quote history

I am listening. I appreciate all the replies.

OP posts:
Octomore · 02/07/2022 23:01

I've suggested splitting the bills as a % of our income. He said no. I've suggested pooling the money and giving ourselves £x amount of personal spends. He said no.

And then you kicked him out for being a freeloader? No?

Seriously, why the ever living fuck do you put up with this? Are you one of those women who is just so grateful to have a man around that you think you have to put up with whatever they decide to do in order to keep them?

Seriously - what the fuck?!

Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 23:04

bumpytrumpy · 02/07/2022 22:45

What's your response when he says no?

Does he say WHY he's saying no? Does he actually think it's fair, or is open about taking you for a ride.

Either way, he's not a keeper.

My response is "well, something has to give because I can't carry on like this" he says ok fine we'll speak about it at the weekend. Weekend comes, I'm tired from work, conversation doesn't happen, then before I know it it's time to pay the bills again. Sad

OP posts:
Octomore · 02/07/2022 23:04

Genuinely - your behaviour, as you've described it, is that of a doormat. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is prepared to wipe their feet on you like this?

bloodyunicorns · 02/07/2022 23:08

He's the worst of all worlds, a lazy entitled cocklodger.

Why, for the love of all that's holy, does he think it's ok for you to pay for everything and him just to pay for Council tax?

Same for chores.

If you're asked him to pay his fair share and he won't, then dump him and get a bloody good lawyer who will be able to get you a good deal on buying him out, bearing in mind what you have paid so far.

I don't even know him and he's pissing me off.

RedPlumbob · 02/07/2022 23:09

YABU, because your issue is your chronically low self esteem that means you put up with this fucking leech.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/07/2022 23:10

Why does he get to call the shots like that? "He says no". Cheeky freeloading bastard.

Mate, you need a new patio, not a new kitchen. Wink

Kidding, but seriously, you say you can't carry on like this, but then you do... you need to toughen up and get mad. He's taking you for a ride, you know it and you're letting him get away with that. Why doesn't it utterly infuriate you?!

Octomore · 02/07/2022 23:11

Actions speak louder than words

Your words say, "something has to give... I can't carry on like this"

But your actions say "I'll carry on like this indefinitely because I'm not prepared to kick you out, so I guess you can just do want you want Mr Cocklodger. Enjoy your money!"

LilianLenton · 02/07/2022 23:11

You can ask him to do the dishes & split the finances more reasonably until the cows come home, but really unless he mysteriously has a complete change of personality he's unlikely to do it. You need to make the change here & I suspect the change has to be ending the relationship. He's onto a good thing with you & he knows it.

violetbunny · 02/07/2022 23:15

Why are you even with this fool? It sounds like you would be financially better off without him, given you already subsidise his share significantly. You would certainly have less housework to do, given you do 90% of it. And most of all you wouldn't have this awful resentment towards him leaving you emotionally exhausted as well.

Honestly OP, if you get rid of this dead weight I guarantee you will feel like a massive weight has lifted from you.

Octomore · 02/07/2022 23:16

Tbf, he may be many things, but I don't think he's the fool here.

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