To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

OP multiple posters have asked this now, please answer... why are you with him? What does he honestly bring to your life?

You’re being bled dry by a parasite and all your focus is on a new kitchen??

Am I missing something here?? 😳

Strange you say he's possibly saving a percentage of his wages...if so bit selfish of him when he knows your savings are depleting.
I'd have to wonder why he's not contributing a fair share and what he's saving for.

If I was in your position and could hold my own money wise I'd sell up while house prices are decent and take my cut...don't bother spending money doing anything to kitchen/bathrooms
as the estate agent told me recently when I moved it's the first thing (most) people rip out and replace to their own taste.

You are going to have to take action... not beg him to pay stuff. He isn't going to unless you force him. Put some of the bills into his name. He can pay for his own car, phone/broadband, gas, electricity, etc etc. And tell him you are only paying half the mortgage. He can pay the other half. (I know the bank won't see it this way as you are both jointly liable - but maybe you need to go speak to the bank and see if you can ring-fence what you pay in...)

Alternatively sell the house and cut your losses. He is not going to improve and he will expect you to pay everything evermore.

Time to split up and sell up. The man is useless.

Dont pay roughly half if the bills and make him pay them. I hope they aren’t all in your name. If they are and he doesn’t pay, then that makes things really clear.

Change the name on the bill so it’s his responsibility? Personally I’d pay the mortgage and let him do the other bills

Good luck sorting it out.

This is actually a good point. He'd have a hard time proving he's contributed much financially if you split up.

Tell him you want to talk about finances.

You need all the paper work together to both decide a plan going forward.

Do a spread sheet and state it as fact - not emotional - no threats - aim for a team work situation.

So basically he is saving all HIS money and getting a free ride? Sounds like a lack of commitment to you and becoming a couple again. Are you sure of his motives? Is he there because he loves you or there because it suits him, he can save his money and then fuck off again?
Bin.

He sounds like a dick tbf. He's saving money whilst being happy for you to run around washing his dishes and have you doing the lion's share of the housework?!

People can only wipe their feet on you if you lie down in front of them.

Seriously, how much more is everything going to cost if he fucks off?

Bet you have Sky that only he really cares about, various subscriptions that you would happily live without, expensive taste in groceries/social life/ etc. I thought I would be poor when ex was removed. Saved £150 in the first month cancelling his expensive Sky and getting council tax reduction. Electric was lower, shopping much cheaper (partly because he was a greedy bastard but also because he insisted on expensive toiletries etc), LOADS less in fuel on the car (he couldnt drive natch, he actually said once that some people are born to drive and others are born to be driven....I wish I was lying) asI was only doing journeys for me and the kids and not him.

I rather suspect that you will end up much better off and dont forget he has to pay maintenance for the kids.....

I’m no relationship counsellor , but I think the kitchen is the least of your worries.

He needs to pay his way fairly, or ship out and relinquish his claim on the house.

No judgement, I was there myself once.

I note you are not married. Good.

Is his name on the title deeds and the mortgage? If not, that is excellent.

You should just pay the mortgage and he pays the bills. This ensures he never gets an interest in the property.

Don't split the mortgage and split the bills. Split it such that you only pay the mortgage and he pays the bills.

The best thing is to get rid of him.

Sorry either you readdress the balance or tell him to leave simple as that!
I'm the same in terms of being the higher wage earnerbut we work bills on a percentage income.

We have separate and joint savings accounts but all major household costs above normal bills are done 50/50 as my DH also randomly receives money from his family every few years.

He's full on taking the piss!

OP you are sleepwalking through this. And I think you know it. He seems to have no respect for you.

When you got back together, what was it that made you want to? How has he made your life better since? Because it sounds like you do a lot to free up his money and time, what does he do for you?

Just end it.

You can get a lodger in and it’s tax free up to 7.5 thousand quid. You can manage the bills on your own already.

He will be entitled to a share in the house upon the split but right now he is not contributing and still entitled to that same share if you see what I mean. End it and be happy

But you're not responding or addressing what EVERYONE is saying...

Why are you still there?

This is real life, not TV.

Many many many MNers have done what the OP is doing, I was one of them. Posting to reset our vision of what is normal. We get that reality check after years of living as the boiled frog and that takes time to come to terms with.

Its not simply a case of her asking "is this ok", us saying "No it isnt, it abuse" and her her saying "ok! We will leave tomorrow!". It isnt as simple as that, if it was then no woman would ever be abused beyond the first time.

She needs time to resee him with her new eyes. To see the reality that she wasnt seeing before and coming to terms with it. And when she has done that she will start to make her plans, it may take months but she will get there as we all did. The last thing she needs is people posting on here needing the instant gratification of a happy ending for her, what she needs is long term support until she is ready.

@PyongyangKipperbang

This ^ in a nutshell . Well said!

OP you're stuck. You want him to change but he's shown you that he won't. You are running out of money, but the reality is if you don't deal with your unsupportive partner you will lose more and more until you're knee deep in problems. Deal with them now before they get worse, the kitchen is only a distraction from the deeper issues...

you're unreasonable to not have a solid financial plan. it sounds like both of you are living beyond your means.

The only reason that the OP is living beyond her means is because her "D"P is paying nothing towards their mortgage, bills or kids! If he paid his share or even did his share in the house, it wouldnt be so bad. I love how you are putting half the blame on the woman who is doing 95% of the work!

Maybe you should look up the definition of Misogyny.

@PyongyangKipperbang,
even if both were in a solid relationship it doesn’t appear they have spare money.