To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

[alittlecroquetta]

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

• we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
• it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
• can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

• we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
• I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
• we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
• my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

He is controlling you financially, op. He is deliberately preventing you from being able to save.

and he is controlling your free time by refusing to do any household chores. He is keeping you busy and without a financial safety net.

it is all very deliberate. You dont have the time or money to leave him.

Oh and WHY are you still putting any money in a joint account?! Is it for bills or savings?

Doesn't sound like your relationship is in a place right now where it would be good to sink a large amount of money in to the house with a new kitchen.

As a temporary measure until you know whether you're still going to be together long term, just get a new dishwasher.

Practically, I don't understand why you can't replace an integrated dishwasher. If you want it still to be integrated and matching, take the front panel off of the old dishwasher, buy a new integrated one, put the old door on it. If the old door can't be used, look on eBay/marketplace etc and you might find someone getting rid of an old kitchen and you could nab the dishwasher front. Or buy another integrated one and a new front panel that is as close as you can get to the old one or whatever you like. Or just take out the whole integrated unit and put a freestanding one in. It really doesn't need a whole new kitchen to replace a dishwasher

Did you not discuss his financial contributions when you agreed to get back together? If not, then why not?

What is his justification for not contributing financially? Why are you accepting said justification?

Why is the thing you want him to ‘do’ paying for a kitchen that you don’t need and can’t afford? Why isn’t your focus on him pulling his weight financially?

You sound very passive, OP. Why is that? All this ‘he said no and you just accepting it. You must realise how bonkers that sounds to the rest of us.

All of our household bills - mortgage, council tax, utilities etc come out of the joint account. Personal bills - car, phone etc just come out of our personal accounts.

Thank you. You're right. I'll look at replacing the dishwasher. The kitchen just looks so old and dated now. I'm tired of paying all this money for the house and it looking like a shithole.

I have started the past 2 months to slowly pull back on how much I'm putting into the joint account, so he's been forced to put in a bit extra. He's not said anything about it yet.

Seriously, what is this? Why are you ‘slowly pulling back’? What is this passive aggressive nonsense? Are you frightened of this man? Is there a reason you cannot have an adult conversation about this? (And, no, ‘he said no’ isn’t a reason.)

No, the "stipulations" of us getting back together were mostly focused on chores, his passiveness, lack of emotional support from him etc. All of which he stepped up on.

The finances have never really been a major issue until things started increasing rapidly.

I don't really see it as me being passive aggressive? I told him I couldn't keep paying for everything anymore and then reduced my contributions that following pay day. So he does know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

But, why? Why do you (or did you) think this way acceptable?

And why do you currently seem more concerned with a kitchen than the fact that your partner is a leech who is financially abusing you?

Ahh perfect, so you can just start putting in 50% only? Are the bills in both names or just yours? Are there any you can cancel that would impact him if he refuses to pay?

Slowly reducing your contributions and waiting for him to notice/do something/take action is passive aggressive, yes. And I think you know this, otherwise you would have engaged with the rest of what I’d said.

100% this

Because I'm the higher earner and the arrangement felt fair at the time. It's 9 years on now and I'm still the higher earner but haven't had a pay rise in a long time. I have an interview for another job next week though

I'm focusing on the kitchen because we've talked about it since the day we moved in together and I want him to start being proactive.

This is true OP, the fact that you ever thought that this was acceptable is concerning, I’m not saying that to be mean, but because it shows a lack of self respect and worth.

Once you’ve left this leach or have him contributing like the grown adult he is, I think you should consider some therapy to help build yourself back up. You’re worth so much more than this.

On another note, do your family and his family know that he doesn’t pay his way? Because if not, I’d be making it public knowledge to shame him. Let him justify it to other people if he thinks he’s so right.

He can't afford to pay 50%. The arrangement I proposed, and the amount I'm now contributing is 70/30.

All bills are in my name. There aren't any that I can cancel which would bother him. We don't have Sky etc.

I don't have family and no, his family don't know he's not contributing. In fact. I only found out recently that his family don't even know the real reason we separated!

I am planning to get therapy. I think I would really benefit from it.

But why did you think that meant you should buy a house for a man you’re not married to?! Seriously, you don’t owe him a house just because he doesn’t earn as much as you. If he was a stay at home dad to your children, that would be different, but he’s not. If he couldn’t afford the house, it should have only ever been put in your name.

I really do think some therapy could help you. X

How do you know he can’t afford it? Doesn’t he have savings? Why can’t he be forced to spend that like you’ve had to?

Work out how much you have paid of the bills when he hasn't contributed. Divide it by two and show him how much he owes you. Tell him he can give you that and it can go towards the new kitchen.
How can he argue that he doesn't owe it? Does he expect to be a kept man? If he doesn't come back with a fair answer, then get rid of him. He's taking you for a mug.
Only buy your food and not his too! Why should you?

I'm not scared of him, but we've never been able to have sit-down conversations of a serious nature. I get tongue-tied and muddled up easily so it's not really my strength.

You need to leave, he’ll bleed you dry. He’s never going to change.

Is he good company though, or is it just familiarity and you're used to having him around? I can't imagine his selfishness stops at social or shared occasions

The point you make about being scared of change is worrying. How would you feel if he continued to leach off you and then leaves? You'd still end up alone.

You seem a bit of a pushover OP and fixated on minor things (kitchen, chores) rather than the bigger picture, which is that you're in a relationship with someone who has zero respect or care for you.

What does he bring to the relationship that makes him worth what you're paying him to live with you?

This was difficult to read but thank you. You're absolutely right.