Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

Not in the context you're using it! Saying "well you knew he had a kid so why are you complaining about any of the hundreds of situations that go on to occur surrounding them" makes no more sense than saying you knew he had a mother so why complain when something comes up.

@beautyisthefaceisee The actual thread is how can OP handle her situation. I was merely making suggestions in answer to her question. I do not think families have to do everything together all the time. I also believe that a fun activity would be more appealing to a 9 year old.

But I do think you have an unconscious bias and favour, and I think they're excuses rather than reasons.

Why the fuck is it not ok to favour your own child, whether that's conscious or not? You can't force yourself to love someone else's kid, even if your husband did happen to father them. Fucking hell.

I have two stepsons and one daughter. Of course I favour my daughter - she's mine. If husband and I split I probably wouldn't see the stepkids again.

Completely reasonable of you to do this.

Contact changed months ago to every weekend and YOU have had no choice in this.

In your place I would TELL your husband that this will now be happening on a regular basis, just like you were told you will have your step son most weekends.

Tell your husband he can CHOOSE to be offended and upset or he can accept it and get on with it.

Either way you need to do it.

Controlling you by him getting offended is bullying and you need to realise that.

He's the one with the problem and you needto stand up for yourself.

Think long and hard before you have another child with such a man.

Londonwolf - 'stop that emotive crap'? Who made you the boss of mumsnet?

All I actually said, was that I don't think its about his behaviour, I think its about the unconscious bias of the step child.

It's both. And both are totally normal and reasonable.

Regardless of whether it's a step son or a bio son you should be able to take DD out when you want - why should you both hang around all morning waiting for sports activity to finish?

It sounds quite stifling tbh having to always do things as a 4.

I would also wonder if DH knows how to entertain his son on his own?

Thanks. I'm pretty robust but that was actually quite a hurtful comment.

That works to a point, but its an unfair balance because DD is also DH's child.
It would be different if she wasn't.

Asofanearyou, everyone has parents of some kind, not everyone has kids

I don't take posting instructions from you. Apart from anyonthing else, on that last post, now you're just being a total nasty dick.

No, I just don't respond as expected to the current fashion for forcing everyone to agree with me or to back off from discussion by highlighting my own victimhood. If you're so fragile that you perceive disagreement as "a kick" then you should take responsibility for your own well being and not post on threads, which trigger you so badly.

DSS is his child, he shouldn't be shunting him onto you when you have plans.

I'd probably say I wasn't feeling great so was just taking one child as two was too much. Then I'd have a conversation about how nice it was to spend time with just the baby & GPs and that you need to facilitate it more often.

Don't be bullied by him, OP. You are allowed to say no. You're not trying to push DSS out, you just want a little time to yourselves occasionally and that's OK.

And who said I had to accept being told I was "kicking" someone because I disagreed with them? Ridiculous emotional blackmail.

London, you're being really nasty. I never said I personally was a victim, well I did, I said I was a victim of consequence (I was four, so I think I'll take my lack of control in that) and was honest with the OP that I may have been hard on her because of my own bias, in relation to reflecting after her post. That is really quite a normal thing to do.

Re this next post, you're being really quite hurtful. Could you stop?

Beauty expects to be able to make up whatever she wants (and call people nasty dicks) but expects everyone to make allowances for her due to her childhood.

I can totally see why Londonwolf found it frustrating.

I didn't say you kicked me because you disagreed.

The kick was you attacking me AFTER I'd already admitted my sensitivity re the subject.

Re this next post, you're being really quite hurtful. Could you stop?

No I am not. I just am not agreeing with you and it is making you angry and distressed.

Op, ignore some of the odd comments you're getting here! You need to be able to talk to your h about this. He should be adult enough to realise that sometimes tour parents want to see you and dc without his ds... that's not wrong or unreasonable. He should be able to chat about it like an adult.

Maybe if you stopped making things up and calling people nasty dicks, that would stop it?

No, you really are.

I'm not angry or distressed.

I couldn't give two shits about you agreeing with me re OP, this ain't an echo chamber.

But your personal attack re my background is nasty and hurtful.

If you choose to continue that's fine but I won't be engaging. As I said, I'm pretty robust but your words hurt.

Nice bit of victim blaming from you there, Meraas. Always hovering in the wings for an opportunity to join in as the resident playground bully.

Incidentally, your words don't bother me in the slightest because I think you're a disingenuous poster.

Please stop derailing op's thread.

The kick was you attacking me AFTER I'd already admitted my sensitivity re the subject.

* No one is attacking* you. They're disagreeing with you and refusing to back down and stop challenging when you use tried and tested victimhood language to justify your own unpleasantness.

No, you really are.

No, I am not.