Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

Skeleton fight - no-one said marrying someone with a child meant you have to spend every waking moment with said child, but its a bit rich to start complaining about them after the fact

Yes do and tell us when the divorce party is

I absolutely get that OP wants to do that, I've already said that. I just don't think the attitude towards the DSS is good, and I get the DH's frustration.

And I think you're making a whole lot of stuff up and then commenting on that.

Anyway, thank you for the replies DH just nipped out so going to speak to him when he's back and just tell him it's DD and me only today and suggest he takes DSS somewhere after training.

I imagine it’d be odd if DH took his son to see his ex wife’s parents

Actually no it wouldn't since they are his ACTUAL grandparents.
What's odd is some people who think the DSS should be having one on one time with his SM parents who AREN'T his actual grandparents

Apologies for missing the some.

Believe it or not, I'm not actually deliberately misquoting you.

But i do think that your reasons for not wanting to take him and the way you tell it sounds like excuses rather than reasons, and I genuinely can understand DH's frustration.

I have never said you are wrong in wanting to see your grandparents with OP, I think that's actually really lovely as so few are able to have great grandparents. I also get you wanting to spend time with just DD as the age gap is awkward.

But I do think, conscious or unconscious, your favour for your natural child (which biologically I understand) is coming through. And i think if that, and the conflict in parenting re behaviour is not addressed, there will bigger challenges than who goes where. I personally think people who are in blended families are some of the better ones out there - taking on a family, putting it together, going through all of that. I'm not prioritising DH's feelings or making you out to be a villain. Maybe my own buttons are pressed as I came from a blended family, and if you've felt attacked I apologise. But I do think it reads that way. Ultimately though I'm a stranger on the internet who doesn't actually know your family. I can only go on what i read (and despite what PP's said, I don't deliberately misread, I got lost wiht hte parents/grandparents).

Id imagine It’s also shit when you’re the baby being dragged around, doing all most adult stuff from a very early age.

I look back and feel very guilty that my youngest spent far too much time watching older siblings from a pram.

it’s all about balance.

That's fine, you can think that. I'm not though.

Hope it goes well. You actually sound like a thoughtful and kind mother AND Step Mother. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do this occasionally. Don't let your DH and certain heightened MNetters convince you otherwise.

I have no advice to give but I would recommend making sure you can do things separately. I've seen situations where family's have to go everywhere together and you can never do any activity without everyone expecting to attend, even stuff they don't enjoy.

Sorry but I don't agree . Depending on how long you are with someone and the ages of the children you have every right to complain about how they are as they develop. It is normal and natural that things/behaviours will develop as they age as would happen with your own biological children. You take it in your stride and deal with it in your own home. I often feel that this attitude comes from mothers who share children with their exes and a new family and don't like it. Hence all the blame the stepmother crap.

I'm not heightened.
I've already admitted to OP that I may be oversensitive because of my own childhood in a blended family, but thanks for the kick.

This really doesn't make any sense. People know their partner's have mothers before they marry them, are you saying they can never complain about any issues that arise to do with their MILs? Why does knowing someone exist mean you can never complain about things that happen to do with them?

Gosh I can’t think why this child might exhibit challenging behaviour 🙄

Yep, use the hobby as the excuse.

Will say though, I was always included with anything to do with my paternal step grandparents along with my younger siblings who had the bio relation. I imagine if I was left behind with mum I would have been gutted and am really grateful to all concerned that this never occurred.

I guess I'm just a bit confused @beautyisthefaceisee that if you agree you misquoted me both about DSS's grandparents AND about the fact his behaviour is challenging and I didn't actually retract anything as you originally said, why you still think they are excuses and not just reasons?

The only thing I can think is that you just don't believe my reasons and think I'm making them up. But why?

Quite.

Really it just feels like you've repeatedly tried to trip me up or accuse me of saying things I haven't said as some sort of evidence that I'm just making excuses rather than sharing reasoning. When I actually haven't retracted anything I originally said in my OP or changed anything.

It seems Beauty is just upset by anyone suggesting an 8 year old could have challenging behaviour, sees this as an unacceptable thing to say and is shocked that others don't feel the same.

I got mixed up about the grandparents. I do think you went back and forward about the behaviour, though.

I don't think you're making anything up, OP.. As PP have said I think you seem like a brilliant parent to your DD and family in terms of the grandparents.

But I do think you have an unconscious bias and favour, and I think they're excuses rather than reasons. It's not that his behaviour is so awful you couldn't take him (if your OP said that, I'd back you, on the grounds that your two year old shouldn't have to constantly put up with that). And if it was DH wanting to palm him off for the day, he wasn't coming himself and DSS didn't actually enjoy it, I'd say the same. But it's not that. It's that ultimately he is not your child and you don't want to take him out. You want the focus to be on DD. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but this conflict with DH re DSS will rumble on and on and on until you can accept your unconscious bias. DSS will pick up on the fact that he isn't wanted along, whether deliberate or not deliberate. And that's not going to improve his behaviour.

If DSS's behaviour was excellent, would you take him along? If the answer is yes, then the behaviour needs addressed. If the answer is no, then it is a case that you simply don't want to take him, which makes your reasons excuses.

As I've said, I'm not getting at you personally. But I was the victim of circumstance in a blended family and the unconscious bias and it's not fun. It actually ultimately harmed my relationship with my brother because a relationship between the favoured child and the other one doesn't work out - we've only found a new relationship as adults.

Now I'm aware your children are young and I'm leaps ahead with this - hence why I'm trying to make you see how your thinking comes across (to me personally, it's only an opinion) so it can be nipped in the bud and everyone (including you, because as I said above you seem like a wonderful mother) can be happier.

You need a pulled muscle with that reach. And if you knew my job, you'd realise how ridiculous a statement that is. 8 year olds are the demon years!

I'm sorry I made you feel like that, that wasn't actually intentional.

What @beautyisthefaceisee can’t seem to grasp is they are not DSS’s grandparents.

Each child has maternal grandparents nearby and paternal grandparents abroad. It’s nice that DD’s grandparents are welcoming to DSS, to the point he loves going there. But it is perfectly natural to want to see their own granddaughter on her own. Doubly so for DD great-grandparents, who clearly find the 8yo draining.

DSS wouldn’t be taking DD to visit his maternal grandparents, so I don’t know why you think he’s being unkindly excluded.

Asofanearyou - comparing some one having a kid to someone having a mother is a bit of a stretch!

Have you read my posts? I said I think it's nice that OP wants to take DD to visit the grandparents on her own as most people don't have great grandparents.

All I actually said, was that I don't think its about his behaviour, I think its about the unconscious bias of the step child. I had forgotten how different discussions are when its step children at play.