Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

Yeah, I'm out. I've had the discussion with OP and will unwatch now.

I'm sure there are two vicious 'posters' that will please.

But your personal attack re my background is nasty and hurtful.

Which personal attack? Please quote me.

@beautyisthefaceisee no, i just see through you.

You tried to create a pile on against the OP (very bullying behaviour). When that didn’t work, you are now making vague references to your childhood in order to backtrack from what you said.

You were extremely hurtful to OP, misquoting her deliberately and reframing what she said, and rude and sweating to posters. At least take responsibility for your words,

Sweating 😂

if the two children were full siblings, it would be totally normal for a parent to take one each to different activities sometimes, especially with a 6 yr age gap.

That. There was only 21 months between our DDs, but they have always been very different people. So we often went out in different combinations. Our eldest was always wanting to be out doing new things. Her sister was a home bird. So one of us would take the eldest out while the other two stayed home very regularly.

I think you need to point this out to your dh, OP.

No please just let her goooooooo. Or maybe the three of you could start your own little bun fight thread? Some of us are just here for the updates and the 3 of you derailing it at making it hard to follow.

As a grandmother of four -aged 2 ,6,11,and14 may I say I do enjoy seeing the 2year old alone or with one parent from time to time.It is most unfair if the youngest child misses out on being the focus of attention because of the continual presence of older siblings or cousins.Your blended family is causing extra sensitivity-understandable but unwarranted I feel.

Well it seems that some posters have reverted to being 8 years old themselves and are now poking their tongues out at each other and name calling. How about you all go to your rooms and let the grown-ups talk.

That still in no way answers why knowing he had them means you can never complain about anything that arises to do with them.

It simply is not logical.

I’d have a chat with dh about him being too sensitive about doing every single thing together. It is precisely BECAUSE there is a strong relationship you can do things without each other.

My kids have an age gap a bit larger than your DSs and dc, and we frequently have them doing different things at the weekend. DGP will sometimes come and take dc1 - age 11 - out for an event, and sometimes they will come and spend the day with dc2 aged 3 while dc1 is at school. Sometimes my dh goes to his parents without me, and takes the kids. I don’t have to be there every second! And it is good for the kids to get used to being with different people.

I am not sure that your dss’ behaviour should have much to do with your decision though. Maybe he is picking up that you don’t really want him there? And the solution to that ironically may be for him NOT to be always there, so you get a breather. I think you could explain that to your dh. It isnt unreasonable. We all need space from our kids sometimes!

Maybe you can soften it with a suggestion to do something very dss focused when you next go to see dgp so that dss feels he can be centre stage with them.

I think is is lovely that your dss can have a good relationship with your parents - and now you have established that relationship you can build the next step. Maybe at some stage your dgp will come to your place for the weekend and take him to his hobby! Or maybe the two kids can have a sleepover at your dgp. It isn’t unreasonable, if they love him, and he loves them.

I appreciate he is not their dgc, but a child can very much be made to feel special and wanted and not just a hanger on. And that can happen alongside not ALWAYS seeing dgp all together.

I suspect this is a large part of it. It’s much easier to entertain a challenging 8yo with 3 other adults present.

Just say that your grandparents have asked to see DD so you are taking her to visit them with your parents and this will give him a chance for some 1-to-1 time with his son.

Even if your children were full not half siblings, it is totally acceptable to split them up and do stuff with them individually. DH and I did that loads when DC were small, so they got 1-to-1 attention from us. We all loved and benefited from it.

If you want a quiet day with your family ask him to take his son to the new Buzz film, and you can all meet for pizza afterwards.
That way he sees the son getting attention, not being left out. You can even gift him the tickets.

If your DH gets upset that the grandparents don;t want the hwhole family around, say it's nothingt o do with him being a step-grandchild but that the DC are at different stages and he is re boisterous and thye just want to focus on her for a day. That is SO not unreasonable.

I sometimes want to spend time with my parents and just my eldest or my youngest, depending on the dynamic at the time. Don't see why this should be any different because your DSS isn't "yours"

Why don’t you work it backwards, and suggest to your DH that dss would love a grown up day with just him Doing something that is clearly unsuitable for a 2 year old

then say you and dd will entertain yourselves and meet them for a takeaway/ games night after

Hope you managed to get to your parents with your DD today, I entirely understand why you would want to. Even if he was your own DS, having an 8 year old totally dominate everything would be annoying and warrant doing things separately from time to time so that grandparents can see the 2 year old on her own.

I cannot even begin to comprehend that anyone would think that it's a problem for
a. You to spend time with your daughter and HER grandparents
b. Your husband should spend 1-1 time with his own child

it's like reading something from the twilight zone

Why on Earth should she?!

I absolutely agree with this.
Poor little boy.
He apparently loves OP's parents .
Some very harsh posts on here.

I agree, I've never really done the separating kids thing, families aren't neat little packages, they are messy and unruly, sometimes you have to embrace that rather than trying to put controls around things

Your DSS only spends a couple of days a week with his father. He doesn't get one on one time with him. He should every once in a while. Your DH always wanting to include DSS is doing his son a disservice. There should be a balance between including in the blended family and spending one on one time.

Your parents should be able to say the same thing.

If your family can't be honest about that, its an unhealthy dynamic too.

You and your parents aren't wishing to exclude the DSS. They go out of their way to include him. Instead this is being framed by your DH as them seeking to exclude and thats grossly unfair to them. Thats his issue and hang up, not theirs. Thats his parental guilt kicking in.

He should be stepping up to be always available to his son. But that doesn't extend to you and your family. You can be there for him, without being there for DSS the whole time.

Your DSS has another set of grandparents. He wins that way. If you include him every time with your DD and your parents, its them that lose. Thats not fair either.

Your DH needs to compromise.

There’s 3.5yes difference between my two girls. We do things separately with them often because they have different interests. Sometimes this includes grandparents as well. Often the eldest goes to my MIL’s over the summer holidays etc. The youngest will get her turn if they’re still able when she’s that age.

People only have issues with this because it’s a step child. It’s normal in families and attracts more attention if everything has to be the same all the time. Fair doesn’t always mean exactly the same.

Bloody hell, can't people just answer the question instead of trying to trip up the OP and give them a virtual battering?

OP its not unreasonable to want to take DD to see her grandparents without DSS and DH sometimes.

Perfectly normal even in non-blended families for children to do different things with a parent each from time to time! Sometimes two kids is just too full on for anyone to really enjoy the visit!

I think it’s nice and important for parents and grandparents to have time with just one child.

Its also important for adults to have some alone time with their own parents without their partners.

Your DH should definitely have alone time with just him and his son.

I have a DD from a previous relationship and I’ll never stop doing things with just me and her occasionally.