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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 02/07/2022 10:35

Doesn't matter if he's got 73 grandads (please let's not go into the grandparent debate again after I was the worst guy ever for misunderstanding where they live).

Yes. It does matter actually. I see now that one set are out of the country but one lives locally. Still he has two sets of GPS and also the love and attention of a third set. It is perfectly fine for OP to take her own child alone to her own parents, just as it would be for his Dad to take him on holiday alone to see his parents, if he wanted to. Honestly baffles me this idea that once you're married you can't have a relationship where you sometimes do stuff alone with your own family without including new spouse and/or step kids.

Nothappyatwork · 02/07/2022 10:36

The issue here is these things are never ever equal. My ex’s parents are alright not too bad, I wouldn’t inflict my parents on my worst enemy so if I married somebody with a child and they happen to have great parents that would be part of the attraction for me and one of the benefits that he would bring it to the relationship and of course id my son to see them and be involved.

however there are also occasions when it does work out nicely that it’s the opportunity to give a two-year-old a different experience for one afternoon. She is a person to she does understand when she’s being sidelined and dumped in a pram versus played with and age-appropriate activities taking place with people that love her.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:36

@beautyisthefaceisee just because it’s kids stuff doesn’t make it any less challenging.

no one is tracking anything. If you make it a point to deliberately misread what people are saying, don’t get surprised when people call you out on it.

Arrogance is telling an OP she has said something that she has never said.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:36

@Meraas since you completely ignored my whole post and picked out the sentence you are choosing to attack me on, this is what was said

'DH doesn't always appreciate DSS has challenging behaviour. He thinks it's typical kid stuff which I guess some of it probably is but it's still annoying and attention drawing.'

in the OP, he had challenging behaviour which caused 99 percent of the attention.

This post reads far more clearly that the issue with the DSS is that he is taking time away from the DD.

SkeletonFight · 02/07/2022 10:36

Jesus , women fighting against women here when the point is that this MAN should be taking some initiative himself for HIS child - having one to one time and recognising that it is perfectly normal for the Grandparents to see their own grandchild on a one to one basis. As for the "you get into a relationship with a man with children" business that is a load of bollocks- it doesn't say that you spend every single waking moment together.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:37

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:34

Did it not fill you full of enough importance the first time you wrote this, that you needed to write it twice?

Show quote history

If you keep peddling the same lies, I will
keep challenging you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Zaccat1 · 02/07/2022 10:37

As I and several others have already mentioned, I do think that DSS would actually prefer to do something fun with dad rather than visiting family - regardless of who is related to who. I’m sure his behaviour would be better too.

The main issue to me is the age difference - an 8/9 child wants to do something very different to a 2 year old so obviously this means doing some things separately. If DSS is with you every weekend I’m surprised he doesn’t have activities like football, swimming, gymnastics or even parties to attend.

It is a very rare weekend in my house - 2 children of a similar age - where we are all together 24/7. I think we would all go a little crazy ….

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:38

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:36

@beautyisthefaceisee just because it’s kids stuff doesn’t make it any less challenging.

no one is tracking anything. If you make it a point to deliberately misread what people are saying, don’t get surprised when people call you out on it.

Arrogance is telling an OP she has said something that she has never said.

I didn't deliberately misread it. I had an opinion different to yours. It's allowed.

I'm going to ignore all your posts on any threads we run into one another. All you do is attack me, get personal and you don't seem to like a word I write anyway so you won't miss it.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:38

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:36

@Meraas since you completely ignored my whole post and picked out the sentence you are choosing to attack me on, this is what was said

'DH doesn't always appreciate DSS has challenging behaviour. He thinks it's typical kid stuff which I guess some of it probably is but it's still annoying and attention drawing.'

in the OP, he had challenging behaviour which caused 99 percent of the attention.

This post reads far more clearly that the issue with the DSS is that he is taking time away from the DD.

No, it doesn’t, beauty. You are determined to see OP as the problem, and that is skewing your logic.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:38

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:37

If you keep peddling the same lies, I will
keep challenging you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

You are now bordering on bullying.

Please do not engage with me again on any threads. If you do, I will simply ignore you.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:39

LondonWolf · 02/07/2022 10:35

Doesn't matter if he's got 73 grandads (please let's not go into the grandparent debate again after I was the worst guy ever for misunderstanding where they live).

Yes. It does matter actually. I see now that one set are out of the country but one lives locally. Still he has two sets of GPS and also the love and attention of a third set. It is perfectly fine for OP to take her own child alone to her own parents, just as it would be for his Dad to take him on holiday alone to see his parents, if he wanted to. Honestly baffles me this idea that once you're married you can't have a relationship where you sometimes do stuff alone with your own family without including new spouse and/or step kids.

I absolutely get that OP wants to do that, I've already said that. I just don't think the attitude towards the DSS is good, and I get the DH's frustration.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 10:39

SkeletonFight · 02/07/2022 10:36

Jesus , women fighting against women here when the point is that this MAN should be taking some initiative himself for HIS child - having one to one time and recognising that it is perfectly normal for the Grandparents to see their own grandchild on a one to one basis. As for the "you get into a relationship with a man with children" business that is a load of bollocks- it doesn't say that you spend every single waking moment together.

Very well said.

1stTimeMama · 02/07/2022 10:39

My parents have time with each of my children individually when they want to, I don't see why this should be an issue at all. I just tell the others that's it's Child A's turn today, and we'll arrange for their time with Nannie and Grandad. It's slightly different as I don't imagine your parents will spend one on one time with your DSS, but presumably he has his own grandparents to do that with?

Carrotmum · 02/07/2022 10:39

I would want to see my own grownup children occasionally on their own without always having to see their partner, regardless of anything else. I would be very concerned about their relationship if their partner insisted on being there every time. I will go and see my own mum sometimes on my own even though DH and her have a good relationship. as did he with his mum before she passed.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:39

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:38

I didn't deliberately misread it. I had an opinion different to yours. It's allowed.

I'm going to ignore all your posts on any threads we run into one another. All you do is attack me, get personal and you don't seem to like a word I write anyway so you won't miss it.

Show quote history

Knock yourself out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

dustandroses · 02/07/2022 10:39

See I don't understand why pp suggest the OP lies about her intention this is all to placate the DH.

Why tell him it's girls only, it's not, that is a lie and the truth will come out.
Why should the father be too busy to take the call that is asking him to lie.

Why does OP need to pick something up for tea, suggest a takeaway or movie? This is all to placate the DH.

Just no.

Why can't the DH say ok you enjoy yourself and I will sort out tea, movie, takeaway for when you get back?

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:40

Zaccat1 · 02/07/2022 10:37

As I and several others have already mentioned, I do think that DSS would actually prefer to do something fun with dad rather than visiting family - regardless of who is related to who. I’m sure his behaviour would be better too.

The main issue to me is the age difference - an 8/9 child wants to do something very different to a 2 year old so obviously this means doing some things separately. If DSS is with you every weekend I’m surprised he doesn’t have activities like football, swimming, gymnastics or even parties to attend.

It is a very rare weekend in my house - 2 children of a similar age - where we are all together 24/7. I think we would all go a little crazy ….

OP has said that DSS LOVES spending time with the grandparents. Not saying he has to, but the assumption he wouldn't enjoy it anyway so he doesn't need to be included doesn't work on that basis.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:41

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:38

You are now bordering on bullying.

Please do not engage with me again on any threads. If you do, I will simply ignore you.

Show quote history

Its funny how people like you who are so, et, robust, with OP can’t take being challenged yourself.

itsgettingweird · 02/07/2022 10:42

As an older child of 3 children I can assure you it's horrible when they only want to do things with the LO.

SS or not he'll feel pushed out if only cute little dd (who is his sister) is wanted and not him.

I'm glad your dh is standing up for his son. He's around at yours for 50% of the time and is part of your family.

With regards his behaviour though you need to nip that in the bud and maybe agree dh takes him off somewhere when out if he starts up. Same as you would any child in any family.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 10:43

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:41

Its funny how people like you who are so, et, robust, with OP can’t take being challenged yourself.

Show quote history

Quite happy to partake in a robust, healthy discussion, with genuine, real posters.

You are a MN playground bully who does nothing but attack me on threads - I took it as face value on the other thread but now I've had enough. The fact you are still going when I've asked you to stop harassing me tells me I was right.

Iwonder08 · 02/07/2022 10:43

This is madness. Just tell your DH you are going alone with your DD to see your parents and grandparents. Let him be offended. It is all just his divorced dad gilt.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 10:45

She said "he has challenging behaviour, DH thinks it's just kid stuff, which it probably is".

You literally removed the word some out of what I said... My only assumption is that it was on purpose.

I actually said he has challenging behaviour, DH thinks it's just kid stuff, which SOME of it probably is".

OP posts:
brookstar · 02/07/2022 10:45

Even in non blended families parents /grandparents don't do everything together as a group.
It's absolutely fine to do something 1:1 with a child and your DH should want to do that with his son and his daughter.

endofagain · 02/07/2022 10:45

We had 3 Dc with a big age gap. We frequently split forces to do different things with them according to age and interests. This is perfectly normal in families. There are suitable times and activities to do do together and equally suitable things to do separately. If your partner is making an issue of it that is his problem.