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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

429 replies

FrillyBobs · 02/07/2022 09:12

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 02/07/2022 13:29

Hallyup89 · 02/07/2022 13:26

I've never known so many couples who are quite so useless at being able to talk to each other.

Are you new here ?

Hallyup89 · 02/07/2022 13:31

Nothappyatwork · 02/07/2022 13:29

Are you new here ?

Show quote history

No, obviously.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:32

@OwlinaTree

”You are saying that you want you child to have more time with your parents than your DS”

she sure is!

Because he is not her son and he is not her parents grandchild.

He has his own mum and presumably his own grandparents.

OP should not be made to feel bad at not having him there every time she sees her parents with her daughter

End of. It really is that simple.

you sound like a “what about the childrennnnnn 😩” type

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 13:33

because stepsons have golden bollocks and should be worshipped and coddled 🙄

Wow. He’s an eight year old child.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:37

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 11:04

I got mixed up about the grandparents. I do think you went back and forward about the behaviour, though.

I don't think you're making anything up, OP.. As PP have said I think you seem like a brilliant parent to your DD and family in terms of the grandparents.

But I do think you have an unconscious bias and favour, and I think they're excuses rather than reasons. It's not that his behaviour is so awful you couldn't take him (if your OP said that, I'd back you, on the grounds that your two year old shouldn't have to constantly put up with that). And if it was DH wanting to palm him off for the day, he wasn't coming himself and DSS didn't actually enjoy it, I'd say the same. But it's not that. It's that ultimately he is not your child and you don't want to take him out. You want the focus to be on DD. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but this conflict with DH re DSS will rumble on and on and on until you can accept your unconscious bias. DSS will pick up on the fact that he isn't wanted along, whether deliberate or not deliberate. And that's not going to improve his behaviour.

If DSS's behaviour was excellent, would you take him along? If the answer is yes, then the behaviour needs addressed. If the answer is no, then it is a case that you simply don't want to take him, which makes your reasons excuses.

As I've said, I'm not getting at you personally. But I was the victim of circumstance in a blended family and the unconscious bias and it's not fun. It actually ultimately harmed my relationship with my brother because a relationship between the favoured child and the other one doesn't work out - we've only found a new relationship as adults.

Now I'm aware your children are young and I'm leaps ahead with this - hence why I'm trying to make you see how your thinking comes across (to me personally, it's only an opinion) so it can be nipped in the bud and everyone (including you, because as I said above you seem like a wonderful mother) can be happier.

Show quote history

@beautyisthefaceisee

of course she gonna have a bias towards her own kid because that child is hers!

the other child has their own mother. He does not need to be treated by op as if he is her child. I doubt that his own mother would be thrilled by that either.

of course she gonna have a bias towards her own kid because that child is hers! That’s just the way it is. And all the stepmother haters on here can bleat about it but it’s the way it is.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:38

I haven't rtft but this is so sad, he lives with You 50% and You want to exclude him. Thats awful behaviour.

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 13:40

I agree

Crankley · 02/07/2022 13:42

I see the 'all step mothers are evil' posters are out in force. Ignore OP, you are fully entitled to do what you want and I hope you and DD have a good visit with DPs and GDPs.

bluebeck · 02/07/2022 13:43

YANBU OP.

It sounds like you may have a DH problem.

You should absolutely be able to spend your time as you wish, and if that means spending some time alone with your child, DH should be glad of the opportunity to spend some time with DSS.

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 13:44

Here just forthisone - that is exactly the sort of post mumsnet was talking about, it's pretty unkind to single out one poster as 'tiresome' because you don't agree with their vews

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 13:46

I haven't rtft but this is so sad, he lives with You 50% and You want to exclude him. Thats awful behaviour

Gosh, I have three kids, took two to see grandparents yesterday and DH took the other to a party, last week I took one to see my mother and left the other two at home with DH, one then went to a friends house.

I didn’t exclude anyone - we are all free agents and pick and chose - I don’t foist myself on to DHs friends when he goes out, or invite myself when DD goes on a night out with friends, because we are all independent and can entertain ourselves.

Good lord thinking about it I even went shopping alone a couple of weeks ago - and yes I purposely excluded everyone.

This week I’m meeting a friend for lunch - just the two of us, I’d be cross is DH decided I I’d to invite him - DSS or no DSS

Herejustforthisone · 02/07/2022 13:46

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 13:44

Here just forthisone - that is exactly the sort of post mumsnet was talking about, it's pretty unkind to single out one poster as 'tiresome' because you don't agree with their vews

She posted disingenuously. I wouldn’t defend that if I were you.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/07/2022 13:47

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:38

I haven't rtft but this is so sad, he lives with You 50% and You want to exclude him. Thats awful behaviour.

My stepson goes nowhere with me. Literally nowhere. He comes to our house to see his dad, not me. His dad does plenty of stuff with him. That doesn't mean that he's excluded, it means he gets time on his own with his dad.

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 13:48

Herejustforthisone - so now you're a moderator?

OwlinaTree · 02/07/2022 13:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:32

@OwlinaTree

”You are saying that you want you child to have more time with your parents than your DS”

she sure is!

Because he is not her son and he is not her parents grandchild.

He has his own mum and presumably his own grandparents.

OP should not be made to feel bad at not having him there every time she sees her parents with her daughter

End of. It really is that simple.

you sound like a “what about the childrennnnnn 😩” type

I'm not all about that, but if you marry someone with children they are in your life. I think playing favourites like that is upsetting for the children, and I think the op is being unreasonable. You have to be fair to the children.

The DD is two and won't care who is included and who isn't. But the 8 year old will get the message he's excluded.

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents.

TimBoothseyes · 02/07/2022 13:49

Hmm all those posters saying that the Ops family should view the SS as part of the family. I wonder what those same posters would say if the OP had posted that the boy had misbehaved and her parents had disciplined him. I'd bet a kidney it would have been "How dare they, he's nothing to do with them and they should butt out" or variations to that effect. MN is full of hypocrisy when it comes to SC...treat them as your own, but how dare you do so.

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 13:53

It’s not the same as not including your own children though, is it? The dynamic is not the same. You need to work harder to ensure that a stepchild feels properly included. They will read things into exclusion that your own children simply will not.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:54

OwlinaTree · 02/07/2022 13:49

I'm not all about that, but if you marry someone with children they are in your life. I think playing favourites like that is upsetting for the children, and I think the op is being unreasonable. You have to be fair to the children.

The DD is two and won't care who is included and who isn't. But the 8 year old will get the message he's excluded.

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents.

Show quote history

@OwlinaTree

Nah

as op has said her parents work etc

op can do what she wants

I wouldn’t have even consulted my husband on this to be honest, I’d have just gone whilst his son was out at his hobby and I’d have thought nothing of it

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:55

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents

I couldn't agree more. But this is Mumsnet where step children are classed as second class citizens.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:55

Geneviev · 02/07/2022 13:53

It’s not the same as not including your own children though, is it? The dynamic is not the same. You need to work harder to ensure that a stepchild feels properly included. They will read things into exclusion that your own children simply will not.

@Geneviev

you treat them as part of the family which means that they do not go everywhere at same time all together. Insisting dss goes everywhere dd goes just isn’t gonna work

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:56

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:55

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents

I couldn't agree more. But this is Mumsnet where step children are classed as second class citizens.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Nah

as op has said her parents work etc

op can do what she wants

I wouldn’t have even consulted my husband on this to be honest, I’d have just gone whilst his son was out at his hobby and I’d have thought nothing of it

mammamiafrozenpizza · 02/07/2022 13:56

Some people on here are a little unrealistic about the step child/step grandchild relationship. Of course it's not the same as how you feel for a biological grandchild. Of course grandparents will want to spend time with only their biological grandchildren. That's not unreasonable.

It would be different if the step child lived full time with the OP's family, if he had no other family of his own, and if his father was more understanding of the facts of the situation. But that's not how it is in this case. If OP's husband can't accept this, then it will probably create friction for the foreseeable future, but the situation has to be dealt with at some point. Honesty tempered with kindness is the best way forward.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/07/2022 13:59

mammamiafrozenpizza · 02/07/2022 13:56

Some people on here are a little unrealistic about the step child/step grandchild relationship. Of course it's not the same as how you feel for a biological grandchild. Of course grandparents will want to spend time with only their biological grandchildren. That's not unreasonable.

It would be different if the step child lived full time with the OP's family, if he had no other family of his own, and if his father was more understanding of the facts of the situation. But that's not how it is in this case. If OP's husband can't accept this, then it will probably create friction for the foreseeable future, but the situation has to be dealt with at some point. Honesty tempered with kindness is the best way forward.

Exactly!

Threetulips · 02/07/2022 13:59

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents

How? All work, SS there every weekend. Grandparents visiting etc

DH parents live locally - he can take DSS there for a few hours. I’m sure they’d appreciate a 1-2-1 with their grandchild.

Clymene · 02/07/2022 13:59

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/07/2022 13:55

The op would be better off waiting until the DS is with his mother or at school and organise something then with her parents

I couldn't agree more. But this is Mumsnet where step children are classed as second class citizens.

Bollocks. She has her stepson every weekend. And her parents work. So the only time her parents can see her child is at the weekend.

Only blended families are expected to do everything together like they're joined at the hip.

Why can't her husband take his son out for the day on his own?