Is there a way to say I just want to go on our own without sounding like a dick?

[FrillyBobs]

I share one DD (2) with DH who also has older (8) DSS with his ex.

We have DSS every weekend Thursday from school until until Sunday.

My parents are very close with DD and we like to see them quite often but as they work this can often only happen on the weekends because of this 99% of the time DH will want to come along with DSS and I feel like I never really get to spend time my parents with just DD.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

WIBU to tell DH that I want to go with DD by myself today and is there anyway of saying that without sounding horrible?

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

My DSS is a lovely boy but he is very full on and can misbehave a lot especially when we are out. He ends up with 99% of the attention whenever we go anywhere. I just don't want to deal with it today. In addition, he also has a hobby training today which means we couldn't go anywhere until after lunchtime.

But you are though, even "accidentally" misquoting.

On a more general note, I think it must be absolutely un-bloody-bearable to be a child of divorced parents where the parents are involved in new families and you are shuttled between the two. You must feel like a total spare part, even with the best intentions of the parents. Like you don’t really belong anywhere. Forced To stay with virtual strangers all the time.

Buuuut both parents need their 50/50 time and that’s the main thing. That it’s “fair” for both adults. And Why Should I not have a life after divorce? Why Should I.

I feel like no one ever stops to think about how hellish that life must be for a child.

OP, I would say very openly that sometimes you want to be with your parents and child without your DH and SS. I think you are pussy footing around your DH because you are afraid to upset him. Yet he isn’t bothered about insisting he comes along with you to your family things and, whilst possibly not upsetting you, certainly isn’t considering your feelings.

I am very open and honest about what I want and need. It makes life much easier. I suggest you have that open conversation about sometimes being with your parents with just your DC. If DH doesn’t respect this then I would consider him to be either too needy or controlling.

In the 21st century you can make a decision on your own without having to have your husband’s permission. You TELL him what you are doing - it’s up to him to work round it.

This!

meraas

I suspect this is a large part of it. It’s much easier to entertain a challenging 8yo with 3 other adults present.

Agreed I suspect he finds it easier.

He sounds quite controlling tbh deciding when you can go and see your own parents and even grand parents.

How did the chat go?

The people being discussed are OP’s parents, not her grandparents. She just mistyped one word. There are no great-grandparents in the story.

Well then he needs to get over himself tbh.

It's not a reflection on his son that your parents & Gps might want to sometimes spend time without your husband & his son.

@FrillyBobs , you will never, ever get a fair hearing on MN as a step-parent. There's always going to be someone trying to trip you up.

I'm not a step-parent, thank God; I have deliberately not become involved with men with children under 18 since I divorced, as I think it would be a bloody nightmare.

I'm thinking now about how I'd feel as a grandparent, and the honest answer is that I could become fond of a step grandchild, but they would never, ever matter to me in the way that my own grandchild would. In your parents' situation, OP, I'd be perfectly welcoming but would secretly be wishing I could see you and my actual granddaughter sometimes without the step-child being there.

XH used to sulk if I saw my parents on my own, either with or without the children. He was a dick. I just ignored him and saw them anyway, without him. It's weird when people do everything together, even if one of them isn't a dick.

Hello - the thread is becoming derailed because of a spat between posters. Can we politely ask those involved to step away from this now? Further deletions may result in accounts being suspended.

Yes there are, OPs grandparents are DDs great grand parents.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

They have asked if me, DD and my grandparents (who live a while away but are staying with them) can go out today.

My grandparents don't get to see DD often and I'd just like her to be the focus today. My parents would as well but they'd never outwardly say it to DH as they are too polite.

If you a second child would you want to leave one of your own DC at home so the other can be your parents focus?

DSS is your DD's brother, your DH son so therefore your family I would say if your actively trying to exclude him there is an issue.

So, OP?
What happened?
Hope all got sorted.

Ah! Sorry!

Tiresome posters like @beautyisthefaceisee make these threads so unproductive and actively encourage a descent into totally irrational stepmother bashing.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I don't agree that having a joint kid with your husband means you have to treat the one who isn't yours like your own. This expectation on stepmums to be some kind of second mum is bonkers (and probably unwanted by the child).

OH MY GOD! This thread is infuriating!

OP clearly isn’t leaving her stepson out constantly. The whole reason she is asking for advice on the matter shows this!

What is so wrong about wanting to spend one to one time with the kids!?
If this wasn’t a blended family that would be the norm! So why can’t it be the norm in a blended family too?

I agree it sounds suffocating having to do things as a four all the time!

Could you get dss and husband tickets to something not appropriate for dd like cinema or something

This This This.

@FrillyBobs I’m sorry I missed this earlier and hope you’ve had a good time today. But you clearly need to talk to your DH about parenting.

Growing up in a large blended family, I never got 1:1 time with either parent or anyone in my extended family - I hated it. I vowed this wouldn’t happen to my kids.

This isn’t actually about your DSS being a step, it’s about being able to spend quality time with your DD, making them the centre of attention sometimes, and it’s about giving your parents and grandparents the chance to do the same. I regularly do things separately with my children because sometimes it’s nice to be able to just focus on an individual child’s needs without compromise.

Your DH needs to be less defensive and recognise that his two children would both benefit from having 1:1 time with him too - and today is his opportunity to do that with his DS. I bet his son is desperate for a bit of focused attention from his dad.

Book something dh can do with just him and dss - cinema, waterslides, high ropes etc

Must be incredibly boring for an 8 year old to visit people who aren’t his family every weekend instead of the park, or something way more interesting than listening to adults chat!!

I mean, your DH can clearly see that … can’t he?

Because stepsons have golden bollocks and should be worshipped and coddled. 🙄

I've never known so many couples who are quite so useless at being able to talk to each other.