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Original poster

DH didn't help little girl

602 replies

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:39

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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AgentProvocateur · 02/07/2022 07:21

I think this is a peculiarly British way to act. Instinctively, you’d take the child’s had and help her down the escalator to her dad at the bottom, and who would have been watching the whole time. I’ve lived in Europe, SE Asia and the Middle East and I am sure that 99% of people would have helped the little girl.

Maybebabyno2 · 02/07/2022 07:21

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:45

He said he didn't want to be seen 'hanging around a little girl' however innocent he is, he said he'd rather just stay totally clear, which I partly understood but then also I think her safety trumps his worries, if that makes sense?

Do you think it would it have been okay if a female had taken her hand or is it best to never intervene in that way?

Show quote history

I got in a lot of trouble when I worked in a shop at 18 for holding a little girls hand when she wandered in crying because she had lost her mum.

You shouldn't touch the child at all, it can be so easily misrepresented by thr adult. I would have stayed with the child but not held her hand.

It's a shame as it is the instinctive thing to do, show comfort etc but not worth putting yourself at risk of that line of accusation.

FunnyTalks · 02/07/2022 07:23

My dp helps small children probably more than I do. It's instinctive I think (he has a lot of strong proactive women in his family). Because he often gets there before me I often watch people's reactions. Nothing bad has happened yet!

GoodThinkingMax · 02/07/2022 07:23

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Given that there’s another thread running about a male teacher overstepping his role, it’s a real dilemma for men.

And for all of us. We know that 98% of sexual crime is committed by men. Yet we can’t and shouldn’t remove men from interactions with children.

I wish all the good men would use social pressure to do more to change other men’s attitudes: call out sexism in their mates, and so on.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:24

What sort of trouble did you get into?

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 07:24

Chill out op

this was a very mild event and your DH made a snap (and reasonable) decision not to get involved and within seconds someone already by the girl was staying with her

for goodness sakes, pick your battles

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:25

"I got in a lot of trouble when I worked in a shop at 18 for holding a little girls hand when she wandered in crying because she had lost her mum. "

My question was in response to this. What trouble did you get into? We tell our children to go into a busy shop if they're lost. Was it a warning at work or was the parent very angry with you?

LookItsMeAgain · 02/07/2022 07:26

@Whatshisface - I'm on the app (mobile phone) and the majority of the post is crossed out. The last line actually isn't crossed out 😊
To the poster who said that someone was being argumentative by pointing it out, that's not exactly fair.
It is hard to read when the majority of the message is crossed out.

I think your DH was ok by not taking the child's hand. Their parent should get their head out of their phone and be more attentive to their child.

greystarblanchard · 02/07/2022 07:27

Yabu. I understand his reasoning in not wanting to hold a random girls little hand, no matter how innocent. Let it go.

Whatinthe · 02/07/2022 07:27

I imagine it was a split second decision and I understand why his first instinct was to not get involved, it's so different for men than women. That said, hopefully in the future his instinct wouldn't be to just leave her there by herself but at least keep an eye on her!

My eldest legged it down a travelator once and stacked it really badly. I couldn't get to her before she reached the bottom so will forever be thankful to the man who scooped her up and looked after her momentarily. It's such a shame men are too scared to get involved but it's not their fault.

karmakameleon · 02/07/2022 07:29

Meraas · 02/07/2022 07:15

The safety of the child comes above all else.

Your DH was a coward for not helping.

This.

men aren’t socialised to help and feel that it’s a woman’s job. He was in a public place, if he’d just waited with her and shouted down to the dad, what would anyone seriously accuse him off? But I’ll be a accused of being a pervert is a convenient excuse for any man who doesn’t want to waste five minutes of their time.

GylesBrandrethNewJumper · 02/07/2022 07:30

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:45

He said he didn't want to be seen 'hanging around a little girl' however innocent he is, he said he'd rather just stay totally clear, which I partly understood but then also I think her safety trumps his worries, if that makes sense?

Do you think it would it have been okay if a female had taken her hand or is it best to never intervene in that way?

Show quote history

Best not to intervene at all. As horrible as that is.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:30

And so many pp saying it was the dads fault for being on his phone. So if you'd ignored her and she'd fallen down the escalator, your conscience would be clear? That's crazy to me. A child's safety is the most important thing in any situation.

CrispieCake · 02/07/2022 07:30

I wonder whether it would have been different had the child been a little boy or if your DH had had his own little children with him. I have a 4 yo boy and dads in the playground and other places have helped him (lifting him up and down) or even played physically with him alongside their own children (silly games, wrestling etc.) many times without blinking an eyelid. But that's a different context, I suppose, and adults of both genders are generally much less willing to engage in physical play with girls, I've noticed.

Midlifemusings · 02/07/2022 07:30

If you read many of the posts on here, your DH did the right thing. There are quite a few people who think men are just predators because they are male and therefore a man is inappropriate even if he hasn't done anything wrong but the perception of others is that he must have bad intentions. There are definitely some would would see him stay near the girl and assume he wanted to do harm to her and that he was trying to take advantage of a situation to do something awful. There are posters on here who always assume a man has bad intentions and bad motivations. It doesn't really matter what your DH's motivations would have been if people around him would accuse him of having bad intentions. You can't really chance who is around you. It could be a rational person, it could be one of the hundreds on this site who would see him as in the wrong and being inappropriate.

Lostthefairytale · 02/07/2022 07:31

This thread is so depressing. Most of the time someone helps and doesn't get accused of anything, male or female. He didn't do the right thing, he left a child in danger, but on a split second decision I wouldn't condemn him for that. However all the people on this thread who are perpetuating the idea that men shouldn't help are a huge part of the problem. These attitudes need to be challenged because this demonstrates how dangerous they are.

Bobnotpop · 02/07/2022 07:32

This exact thing happened in a department store with a toddler. DH picked her up, put her down next to him on the escalator held her hand. Her Dad was only a few steps away lower down so no need to worry about being accused of anything as they could wave at him. I was on the step behind and father & daughter reunited at the bottom. I was proud of DH’s parenting instinct especially as our dcs are much older, he couldn’t leave a small child distressed.

Why2why · 02/07/2022 07:33

That’s why when women are in danger or being harassed or attacked other people mind their business and move along. It’s the society we want and encourage. After all, it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get involved. That’s the motto.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:34

"Best not to intervene at all. As horrible as that is."

Yes someone who wouldn't help a child in danger is horrible.

I don't refer to op's dd because he had a split second to make a decision, and just made the wrong one.

But people thinking about it theoretically and deciding that they wouldn't help, if the child falls, so be it are horrible.

User839516 · 02/07/2022 07:35

I think the saddest thing for me is that you say she reached out her hand to your DH and he didn’t take it. She was asking for help. I totally get a grown man not approaching a lost/scared little girl in case he frightens her but she was actively seeking out help from your DH and he ignored her. That’s really, really sad.

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:35

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 07:24

Chill out op

this was a very mild event and your DH made a snap (and reasonable) decision not to get involved and within seconds someone already by the girl was staying with her

for goodness sakes, pick your battles

I should have said in my OP - bless him this hasn't been a negative discussion at all for DH & I and definitely not an argument, luckily we have a lovely relationship and rarely row. Battling is too tiring!

Just the idea of the little one holding out her hand to him and DH carrying on made me feel so sad/mortified!

But it seems being female allows me the privilege of acting on instinct, whereas DH being male is conditioned to act against his instinct, and what a sad thing that is.

I may mention to him that he'd be safe to stay with a child if he can alert another passerby (preferably female) to also help/stay, as I don't think this would have occurred to him. But I doubt he'll be in a situation like this again anyway!

Really appreciate all the replies/opinions, thank you. 😊

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:35

Why2why · 02/07/2022 07:33

That’s why when women are in danger or being harassed or attacked other people mind their business and move along. It’s the society we want and encourage. After all, it’s the right thing to do. Don’t get involved. That’s the motto.

A pp said that she has lived in many other parts of the world and men would think nothing of helping, so I think you are right sadly.

mnnewbie111 · 02/07/2022 07:38

Most of it is crossed out for me too. Why would PP lie about that. Some people could argue with an empty room!!!

It's a sad state of affairs but totally get your husbands view

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:38

User839516 · 02/07/2022 07:35

I think the saddest thing for me is that you say she reached out her hand to your DH and he didn’t take it. She was asking for help. I totally get a grown man not approaching a lost/scared little girl in case he frightens her but she was actively seeking out help from your DH and he ignored her. That’s really, really sad.

That's exactly the bit in my mind that stuck out - I can almost see her little face and I hope she didn't feel bad when DH just went by 😓

I know it's not a big thing at all, I'm just sensitive and daft!

OP posts:
Nanananananana99 · 02/07/2022 07:39

He should have spoken to her at the very least as she could have seriously injured herself on the escalator if she got on alone.

Yes, it’s the father’s responsibility and yes I can understand why he didn’t touch her but he still should have checked she didn’t come to harm on the escalator.