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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH didn't help little girl

602 replies

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:39

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

OP posts:
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justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:07

"There's ways to intervene though. If he'd said, let's wait back a bit from the escalator until daddy comes back and stood back a bit thats different to physically leading her way from the location in anyway. Kids need to know not to go off with strangers male or female and shouldn't be taking their hands."

Why would he have led her away? Dad was on the escalator. Why not take her onto it? Or asked the dad, who was in calling distance, whether he should bring her down?

Georgeskitchen · 02/07/2022 07:08

The perfect solution to this would be the child's actual parent paying proper attention to their offspring in the first place!!

ancientgran · 02/07/2022 07:08

PAFMO · 02/07/2022 06:44

Sad indictment of the absurd paedomania whipped up by the ignorant.

Your husband could have found himself thanked by the child's dad for helping her, or smacked in the face for daring to touch her. (As we see on the endless "the man who lives down the road said hello to my daughter is this a safeguarding issue" threads on here)

And not just men. I saw a little one, maybe 3, in a shop window, she'd crawled into the display and was playing with wires to the spot lights. I went into the shop and said I just thought someone should check her as I thought she could hurt herself (knock some display on herself, touch the hot lights or whatever) did anyone say thanks or Oh dear, no I got a mouthful of abuse and told to mind my own fucking business. I'd do it again as I would feel so bad if the child was hurt but it does make you think and if they are like that with a 60 year old woman what would they be like with a man if he dared to touch a child.

ShinyMe · 02/07/2022 07:10

I think he was right, and I wouldn't have touched the child either. It's sad, but she wasn't in any actual danger with lots of people around and dad on his way back to her. I've intervened before to try and help a child, because it seemed the right thing to do at the time, and got nothing but a gobful of abuse and swearing for it, even though I stopped a crying almost-naked child from running into a road. Should have left her the eff alone and I'm an interfering bitch apparently. So now I do.

CourtneeLuv · 02/07/2022 07:11

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:45

He said he didn't want to be seen 'hanging around a little girl' however innocent he is, he said he'd rather just stay totally clear, which I partly understood but then also I think her safety trumps his worries, if that makes sense?

Do you think it would it have been okay if a female had taken her hand or is it best to never intervene in that way?

Show quote history

In this say and age, it would have been ok for a woman, but not him.

My dh would probably have flagged down a woman to be there too then left when the dad got there.

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:11

timeisnotaline · 02/07/2022 06:58

Are you sure he didn’t just not register and then felt bad admitting that? We were out in london and a woman with a pram was at the top of the escalators just to the side. My Dh just thought she’s waiting to meet someone. It was blindly obvious to me that she was waiting for someone to help her down so I sent him over! He was just oblivious because he doesn’t need help with things… similarly the first time we got on a bus with a baby in a pram he parked the pram with our baby in it, out the brakes on and went and sat down the back, I was gobsmacked. (He’s really a far far better dad than these anecdotes show!!)

That did make me laugh - he treated the pram & baby like luggage - "I'll just pop that there...and off I go!"

DH can definitely be oblivious at times, but then also very observant - he's a contradiction!

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:11

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:07

"There's ways to intervene though. If he'd said, let's wait back a bit from the escalator until daddy comes back and stood back a bit thats different to physically leading her way from the location in anyway. Kids need to know not to go off with strangers male or female and shouldn't be taking their hands."

Why would he have led her away? Dad was on the escalator. Why not take her onto it? Or asked the dad, who was in calling distance, whether he should bring her down?

He would have been leading her away from the spot her dad last had her to go down the escalator if he'd chosen that option. And I don't think that would have been wise as the child needs to know not to go off with strangers.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:11

Heyisforhorses · 02/07/2022 07:06

And in fact this is on her dad not your DH so although you may not agree, it was the dad that was wrong and neglectful

Dad was wrong but it doesn't mean nobody should help a child in a risky situation.

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:12

ShinyMe · 02/07/2022 07:10

I think he was right, and I wouldn't have touched the child either. It's sad, but she wasn't in any actual danger with lots of people around and dad on his way back to her. I've intervened before to try and help a child, because it seemed the right thing to do at the time, and got nothing but a gobful of abuse and swearing for it, even though I stopped a crying almost-naked child from running into a road. Should have left her the eff alone and I'm an interfering bitch apparently. So now I do.

That's awful :(

No good deed goes unpunished is often so true.

OP posts:
SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:12

Georgeskitchen · 02/07/2022 07:08

The perfect solution to this would be the child's actual parent paying proper attention to their offspring in the first place!!

Well yes but these things can happen even if not on your phone.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:13

Georgeskitchen · 02/07/2022 07:08

The perfect solution to this would be the child's actual parent paying proper attention to their offspring in the first place!!

So if she'd fallen down the escalator, you could tell yourself it wasn't your fault phew, because that's the most important thing right.

LaSavoie · 02/07/2022 07:14

I really feel sorry for men nowadays in situations like this. They just can't do the right thing.

Yes, the small percentage of men who do do awful things have a lot to answer for.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 07:15

The safety of the child comes above all else.

Your DH was a coward for not helping.

SummerLobelia · 02/07/2022 07:15

Sadly I think he was right. A little girl fell off her bike outside our house and DH came running in to get me. He said he simply did not dare help her up.

It's sad, but I have to say both your DH and mine did the right thing.

CrispieCake · 02/07/2022 07:15

OneFrenchEgg · 02/07/2022 07:05

Really weird responses. Ever since when I was a teen and read about how a man saw a tiny kid alone but didn't stop to help became he was worried someone would think he was a paedophile, and the child (escaped from nursery) drowned it's really stuck with me how harmful that could be to assume you'll be criticised.
I think DH would probably have stopped with the kid and shouted down to dad. He might have held the kids hand, I just don't think he would have walked past.

I think so too. I would hope in this case a man would at least stop the child and then ask another passer-by to wait with them while he phoned the police. If there's no one passing, just phone the police immediately. Letting a small child who should obviously be with a parent wander off on their own just because you're afraid of what people will think seems strange when there's other solutions to help without putting yourself under suspicion.

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:15

WhereIsVillanelleWhenNeeded · 02/07/2022 07:05

I think your DH did what he felt was right. The real problem is the dad consumed by his phone leaving his DD vulnerable, at the top of an escalator.

I know!! I can only imagine what the Mum would do if she'd seen/known what he'd done.

Can only hope he learned from it and will keep a closer eye on his daughter but somehow I doubt it. :(

OP posts:
steviewiththecankles · 02/07/2022 07:15

He would’ve had just a few seconds to decide what to do as he was stepping on. Men are sort of conditioned now to be careful around children.

YRGAM · 02/07/2022 07:15

YABU. It's too great a risk for a man to touch a child in any way in a public place.

Meraas · 02/07/2022 07:16

ShinyMe · 02/07/2022 07:10

I think he was right, and I wouldn't have touched the child either. It's sad, but she wasn't in any actual danger with lots of people around and dad on his way back to her. I've intervened before to try and help a child, because it seemed the right thing to do at the time, and got nothing but a gobful of abuse and swearing for it, even though I stopped a crying almost-naked child from running into a road. Should have left her the eff alone and I'm an interfering bitch apparently. So now I do.

So now you would never help a child?

What a saint you are.

BlueMumDays · 02/07/2022 07:17

There's never too much point spending time analysing how someone should have behaved, when that person themselves had at most 2 seconds to make the decision.

hellcatspangle · 02/07/2022 07:18

It's a Mumsnet stylistic device.

Yes, a pointless and irritating one.

Aprilx · 02/07/2022 07:19

I would not have taken her hand either, but I would have stayed and made sure she was safe. So I think your DH was half right.

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:19

"He would have been leading her away from the spot her dad last had her to go down the escalator if he'd chosen that option. And I don't think that would have been wise as the child needs to know not to go off with strangers."

Dad at the bottom of the escalator though, watching. In a risk assessment, I think moving her from the top of a moving escalator, with her dad waiting at the bottom of the escalator, is better than leaving her at the top as a lesson in stranger danger.

I know I'm going on a bit now but I am genuinely so surprised and appalled by so many pp saying that men shouldn't help children.

Maybe they need to do it more to start changing public perceptions.

Maybe us mums have created this atmosphere in which a man won't help a child and we think that's the right thing to do.

Skodacool · 02/07/2022 07:20

Georgeskitchen · 02/07/2022 07:08

The perfect solution to this would be the child's actual parent paying proper attention to their offspring in the first place!!

Agreed. I would have been inclined to point this out too the child’s dad!

KilmordenCastle · 02/07/2022 07:20

This exact same thing happened to me. I thought my 6yo would be fine on the escalator as she always had been before so I had hold of her hand but my main focus was on my 3yo. I got 3yo on and turned to make sure 6yo was OK but she froze, let go of my hand and I was just drifting away from her, it was quite scary actually.

The man behind me stopped with her and managed to cajole her into holding his hand and coming down the escalator with him, I waited at the bottom. I was so grateful.

I think your dh could have at least tried to get the little girl to come down with him while the dad waited at the bottom. But I can understand why he would have been worried at the idea of waiting with the girl while the dad came back up, especially if the dad wouldn't have been able to see them during this time.

As someone who would automatically just stop with the child to help them in this situation, it does seem a bit shitty of your dh to just ignore the little girl. Especially as she reached for his hand, so it seems that she may well have gone down the escalator with him anyway. But I do get why he didn't.