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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH didn't help little girl

602 replies

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:39

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
SandieCollins · 04/07/2022 11:01

Meatshake · 03/07/2022 22:06

@SandieCollins I was being a bit sarcastic and implying that he'd have opened his mouth and called out to get the dad's attention and ASK him what he'd prefer him to do. "Use your big boy words" is what I say to my toddler when he's fannying about pointing and grunting and not communicating clearly.

What an awful phrase, directed at kids it’s bad enough but at an adult it’s incredibly cringeworthy.

Sounds like there was a split second to decide what to do and this fella decided not to hold the child’s hand and get on an escalator with it.

From all the responses on this thread from people who unfailingly put others before themselves it’s amazing that the health and care industry are crying out for people, kids are in care because of a shortage of foster carers, refugees are held in camps, abuse continues etc etc.

I can’t help but wonder whether it’s easier to sit behind a screen and slate other people based on a split second decision than actually accept that none of us are perfect.

CatsnCoffee · 04/07/2022 11:11

@karmakameleon

I don’t know where you learned that, but it’s not true. Lots of men would help in this situation, but they are (rightly) fearful of being misunderstood and seen to be trying to abduct the child.
In this instance this was clearly the case and he felt sufficiently concerned to talk to OP about it later. There may have been other options eg waiting with the child or calling out to the father to alert him etc, but in the moment OP’s partner probably panicked.

Meraas · 04/07/2022 11:12

My split second decision will always (has always) be to help, so why would they? It doesn't need thinking about at all, a child needs help so you help. It's not an ethical dilemma to wrestle with.

I completely agree.

In these situations, most people help without thinking.

Anything less is morally reprehensible.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 04/07/2022 11:14

I'm a man who's been shoved on his arse by a Dad for talking to a lost little boy on the beach. To be fair to him, when I said "Oi, I was just trying to help him find his parents" he was very apologetic, and said he'd been panicking that he'd lost his kid and then had just seen red when he'd seen someone "taking him" (I wasn't, we were stood with me bent over to talk to the boy)

I didn't really understand it but just brushed it off and went about my day.

And then a few years later I lost my daughter briefly in a shop, and found her in the next aisle talking to a staff member, and for a brief second my first thought was "What the fuck is that man doing with my child"

It certainly makes me wary of helping children in the future.

BadNomad · 04/07/2022 11:42

What do people think was going to happen when the father turned around after getting on the escalator and saw some strange man holding his child's hand...?

This all happened immediately. The OP's DH was right behind the man and child. Because if there had been time between the father noticing, and DH getting on the escalator, the father could have easily turned and ran back up the few steps to get his daughter.

Flossatops · 04/07/2022 11:46

Just show's the horrific situation men have been placed in when they are no longer confident to help a child. My husband wouldn't have given a damn what people thought and would have helped, but I can imagine many men would feel uncomfortable. My main concern would be whether or not she could have fallen down the escalator without help. I wouldn't be too hard on him; I'm sure he'd help if a similar situation arose again.

mybiggestfan · 04/07/2022 13:59

I am a 70 year old womanand I found a child wandering on her own in a busy shopping street. The child was crying so I took her hand to try to find her mum. The abuse I got from her mother who was standing nearby looking in a shop window was horrific. I suppose she would rather I left the child just wander about rather than be kept safe. I think you husband was totally correct to protect himself in this situation. If an elderly woman is abused for helping what would have happened to a young man

OneTC · 04/07/2022 14:09

saraclara · 04/07/2022 10:16

My split second decision will always (has always) be to help, so why would they? It doesn't need thinking about at all, a child needs help so you help.

Are you male or female, @CupidStunt22 ? Because if you're male, in some circumstances it would need thinking about. It might not mean that you don't help, but there are things that a man has factor in, that as a woman, I don't. And considering that factor might take five seconds longer than he has in which to act.

The only time being a bloke has ever made a difference to me was when I found a lost kid at an event and needed to take them to the lost kids tent and I asked a woman walking past if she'd help because I didn't want to walk off alone with someone's kid. Just seems like bad practice tbh

Glencanto · 04/07/2022 20:36

mybiggestfan · 04/07/2022 13:59

I am a 70 year old womanand I found a child wandering on her own in a busy shopping street. The child was crying so I took her hand to try to find her mum. The abuse I got from her mother who was standing nearby looking in a shop window was horrific. I suppose she would rather I left the child just wander about rather than be kept safe. I think you husband was totally correct to protect himself in this situation. If an elderly woman is abused for helping what would have happened to a young man

If they’re unlucky, something like this:

amp.cnn.com/cnn/2017/06/28/us/good-samaritan-mistaken-for-kidnapper-trnd/index.html

TruthHertz · 04/07/2022 21:15

Lots of posters showing their female privilege ITT.

saraclara · 04/07/2022 22:32

TruthHertz · 04/07/2022 21:15

Lots of posters showing their female privilege ITT.

Yep. And showing it with some added sanctimoniousness. It's quite nauseating.

It won't be long before there's a "men simply don't understand that we women have to think about..." thread, either.

Blantw · 05/07/2022 10:48

This is the position men are in, girl or boy, we are frightened to death to interact with a stranger's children. Of course you'd have helped out, you are a woman. I would have called the father and told him what he had done and stood with the child, no touching, until the guy had come for her.

CupidStunt22 · 05/07/2022 15:14

Oh please, this idea that all me are terrified of even looking in the direction of children because someone will call them a paedo...its like the men complaining they can't say anything to women anymore because of #metoo. It's a load of bollocks.

Men aren't getting called paedos in the street on daily basis, it's a bizarre made up notion. My husband would help a child in the street because they are in public, in full view of anyone who can see that nothing untoward is happening and people just aren't that stupid, on the whole.

beautyisthefaceisee · 05/07/2022 16:07

CupidStunt22 · 05/07/2022 15:14

Oh please, this idea that all me are terrified of even looking in the direction of children because someone will call them a paedo...its like the men complaining they can't say anything to women anymore because of #metoo. It's a load of bollocks.

Men aren't getting called paedos in the street on daily basis, it's a bizarre made up notion. My husband would help a child in the street because they are in public, in full view of anyone who can see that nothing untoward is happening and people just aren't that stupid, on the whole.

They are. And who was it caused by?

Feminists.

PetraBP · 07/07/2022 08:34

beautyisthefaceisee · 05/07/2022 16:07

They are. And who was it caused by?

Feminists.

Show quote history

99.9% of child abusers are men.

That might have something to do with it.

Also, 99.9% of men are not child abusers, but they are terrified of being labelled as such.

Preeeschooler · 07/07/2022 11:12

99.9% of child abusers are men

that’s not true. 96% of child sexual abusers are men, but women are more likely than men to be child abusers.

Meraas · 07/07/2022 11:14

Preeeschooler · 07/07/2022 11:12

99.9% of child abusers are men

that’s not true. 96% of child sexual abusers are men, but women are more likely than men to be child abusers.

What a load of shit 😂

Any statistics you want to link to or is Make Any Old Shit Up Thursday?

Meraas · 07/07/2022 11:22

It seems you have to register to get the source of those statistics. Very suspicious.

and a quick google tells me Statista aren’t a reliable data company.

Cheeseplant72 · 07/07/2022 11:26

Typical MN!

If a mother had come on AIBU and said I got on an escalator and took my eye off my daughter for 1 min and she did not get on. Then a strange man behind me grabbed her hand. this thread would explode with people saying report him, go to the police, he`s a pedo etc.

Always the same.

BlanketsBanned · 07/07/2022 11:29

I would have stayed with the girl and gone to find a member of staff to take over if I wasnt in a desparate hurry to catch a train but I completely understand why your dh didn't, men are very vulnerable.

karmakameleon · 07/07/2022 14:22

BlanketsBanned · 07/07/2022 11:29

I would have stayed with the girl and gone to find a member of staff to take over if I wasnt in a desparate hurry to catch a train but I completely understand why your dh didn't, men are very vulnerable.

men are very vulnerable

Not as vulnerable as 3-4 year old children.

BlanketsBanned · 07/07/2022 15:53

No but thats the responsibility of the dad to make sure their child is safe and not fuck about on his phone. Men can feel reluctant to help with anything to do with children because of accusations.

karmakameleon · 07/07/2022 16:14

Nobody on this thread has voiced support for the father so that’s a bit of a straw man.

I’m not sure how many men are accused of paedophilia after a brief public interaction with a child but I do suspect that more children are hurt on escalators than men incorrectly accused.

Trixiefirecracker · 07/07/2022 16:43

I am not in the least bit surprised he hesitated, the world has gone mad. Mumsnet is full of people accusing make teachers of doing shady stuff.

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