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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kept this from everyone?

150 replies

Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 17:16

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

OP posts:
parietal · 30/06/2022 17:19

You do not have to reveal your diagnosis before you are ready.

Might it help to tell family you are struggling with mental health and need space and support? But don't give details.

Whatever you want to say, discuss with your DH so you both agree on what to communicate and so there are no misunderstandings.

WildWildWestJimWest · 30/06/2022 17:19

I'd just tell them, save all the heartache. I bey your husband feels wretched being in the middle and having to lie as well as support you.

Somanymistakes · 30/06/2022 17:23

Why isnt your DH able to do things/go places?

Twizbe · 30/06/2022 17:25

Why can't your DH do things with his family?

Original poster
Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 17:31

Family bbq / pub afternoons etc etc all things like that . Because they don’t understand why I’m not able to go then sh will say he doesn’t want to leave me on my own so he says he’s busy and everyone is starting to ask questions

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 30/06/2022 17:36

Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 17:31

Family bbq / pub afternoons etc etc all things like that . Because they don’t understand why I’m not able to go then sh will say he doesn’t want to leave me on my own so he says he’s busy and everyone is starting to ask questions

Were you able to do these things / be left on your own before you were diagnosed? Confused
Hardly surprising people are asking questions about why he appears to be under house arrest.

Twizbe · 30/06/2022 17:37

Why can't your DH go without you?

I think you need to reach some sort of agreement about going to these things. I know it's hard, but knowing that there's a medical reasons (even if they don't know details) why you can't go would be useful.

These people are family so it's not like you're shouting it from the roof tops

redbigbananafeet · 30/06/2022 17:40

If you went before why can't you go now? Don't let your diagnosis define you and rule your (and your husband's) life. If these are long term diagnoses which I assume they are you have to learn to live with them and that doesn't mean locking you both away.

cottagegardenflower · 30/06/2022 17:43

Your DH needs to know he doesn't need to be with you every minute of the day. He can socialise with family because it's better for his mental health. He can explain you find social situations difficult and are getting help with your mental health, but meanwhile he's happy to see family. You can both work to accommodate your asd and not let it be the dominant feature in both your lives.

Choopi · 30/06/2022 17:46

Are you saying that your husband is your carer and that is why he can't go? It's not really clear. If that is the case then I don't think it is fair to ask your husband to keep this from his family. Being a carer is incredibly difficult and he might need the support his family can give him. Being isolated from his family and also being a carer must be very tough on him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2022 17:49

When does he ever get to see them? How long have you not been going to family events? Given what they see of course they think you no longer like them and are probably quite worried about you and DH. You don’t have to tell anyone anything but put yourself in their shoes if you can, of course they’re noticing if things have changed and don’t seem okay.

Staynow · 30/06/2022 18:02

Why doesn't your DH like to leave you alone? ASD and ADHD don't prevent you from being left alone so why don't you tell him to go? You need to explain in some way why you aren't going otherwise they will obviously come to their own conclusions. Does your DC have ADHD/ASD too? Why doesn't he take them with him and give you a break (if the dc is ok with going). I think it would be much better to explain that you are autistic and so find socialising difficult than just appear rude personally.

GoldenSpiral · 30/06/2022 18:29

It is weird your DH won't leave you on your own tbh. Why?

Original poster
Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 18:34

Since pnd I just feel worse now I think that’s why and my youngest is 2 😞

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 30/06/2022 18:36

sh will say he doesn’t want to leave me on my own

Why?
What’s going to happen if he leaves you alone for a few hours?

I can’t help thinking that it’s you who doesn’t want him to go.

I’m also confused as to why you can’t go to these events?
Surely an hour once a month or something is no big ask.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 30/06/2022 18:37

You're obviously a grown up and capable of starting and maintaining relationships, having children and presumably caring for them. So pretty high functioning. Surely you can sit alone in the house for a few hours? Or are there other issues?

Gazelda · 30/06/2022 18:43

This sounds hard for you, and I understand that you don't want to share your diagnosis and risk having it discussed endlessly or (worse) behind your back.

But something needs to change for your DH's sake.

Do your ILs ever see the DC? I'm struggling to see when your DC and your DH spend any time with family.

Could he take them over for tea one afternoon while you're working or at the hairdressers?

Could you all pop in on Sunday morning for 30 mins on your way to somewhere else. Just a quick visit to show your faces.

Could you invite them to you?

LIZS · 30/06/2022 18:57

Are you getting support with your pnd and mh? He could go along with the dc and give you a break. There is only so many times you can be busy or someone ill. But there is a risk your absence will be interpreted as dislike if he offers no explanation. Do you have anyone in the family you could confide in to help you if you did manage to attend, even briefly. You don't have to disclose the details. Once you have done it it may not seem so daunting.

ittakes2 · 30/06/2022 18:59

You don't have to do anything that you do not want to do.
But I must admit I deliberately tell everyone who will listen my ADHD diagnosis because my daughter has ADHD and I want to normalise it. I would go to a foot doctor and they would ask any medical issues? yes I have adhd. School mums organising teacher presents? Sorry I am terrible at that sort of stuff as I have executive function deficits due to ADHD. I am thinking of wearing a badge 'I have ADHD' because I just think too many people are embarrassed by having ADHD and they keep it a secret. People with ADHD are brilliant at solving problems we are needed in the world. I am very bad at housework though :(

Eeksteek · 30/06/2022 19:00

It’s hard and I feel for you. However, trying to hide these things and deal with them alone, especially by having family members shield you can really feed the issues, especially depression. It grows in isolation. I’m not saying just yell it out and shake off your shackles, but small steps towards allowing your family to support you is one way forward. Your DP must be really feeling the strain (no blame. Just, it’s hard for everyone)

If you can’t be alone at home, where can you be alone? Why can’t you? What can change? Who can help? Can your mental health workers or a charity get you a buddy. A respite carer? A group? A dog? Can he go while you’re at counselling. If you aren’t having counselling, get some. You all need something to change, to work towards where you need to be. Can one of them come to you? A small something. A tiny something. But something. Reach out in any way you can. It will come back in spades. I’d be appalled to learn a family I was part of basically couldn’t leave their house and hadn’t let me help. Unless there’s other issues.

Dirtylittleroses · 30/06/2022 19:04

I think this is hard. I totally understand why you cannot go, but when your husband and kids can’t either and you won’t tell anyone why, then logically I’m not sure what other conclusion you think they can come to?

does your diagnosis also stop you having any form of empthy for others, and unable to understand the impact on your husband and kids? That you can’t go and neither can they?

in Addition it’s now got to the stage you cannot be left alone you say, so I think it’s only fair he explains your disabilities and how it now impacts his life.

JellyBellyNelly · 30/06/2022 19:08

Op, it seems to me you’re trapped in a viscous circle with your mental health and well-being and I think if you see a Dr for what you’re saying is PND it would help a lot with everything else. I also wouldn’t be surprised if what you think is PND is actually depression and anxiety caused by your diagnosis but also depression and anxiety that so many people who are on the spectrum, have ADHD, are prone to.

Go and see your Dr.

Bellyups · 30/06/2022 19:10

Did you not do these things before? Did your DH attend events before without you? A diagnosis should be a positive thing, to be be able to access help and support. Sorry op, but it does read like you are now relying on it as an excuse not to attend things. Your DH really should be able to go though

WhatsHoppening · 30/06/2022 19:17

I think even if you explain (which I think if you’re able to would help as people would get what’s actually going on) you need to find a way that you/he can socialise in future. I appreciate it’s difficult with ASD But could he take the kids with him so you get some peace? It sounds like you need plans in place to allow you to live your lives. Having any social plans cancelled/impossible isn’t the realistic long term and places a lot of pressure on your DH. Also socialising in a way that you are comfortable with (maybe at home, limited people) could be a good way to start? Your needs are important but so are your DHs and you need to both be able to see family.

ItsMutinyontheBunty · 30/06/2022 19:18

I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, waiting for an ADHD assessment…initially I was very careful about who I disclosed to, it felt like a big secret others wouldn’t get. Now it’s been several years I’m more upfront. I have the courage to challenge misconceptions I struggled with when I was first diagnosed (like “Oh, but only very mildly I assume!” 🙄) This has come with time and better knowledge of myself and ASD has made me more confident. I’ve found it quite freeing actually to be able to be honest about who I am.

I had PND and a combination of meds and counselling really helped me. I hope you feel better soon 💐