To have kept this from everyone?

[Haveasecret]

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

Zero interest or your behaviour has made it crystal clear that they're not really welcome? That's how I'd interpret that.

I’m not sure actually because there have been times when my youngest was very little and dh had said to them he was popping round with the baby and they said they were busy so he stopped asking.
In the past it’s only happened a couple of times that I’ve needed to go off upstairs for a bit of overwhelmed and also I used the excuse I needed to go and breastfeed so it wasn’t like I said I didn’t want to be around them

They also haven’t ever really had any other communication no texts etc and when I’ve sent things like photos they don’t tend to respond ? It’s really like they aren’t bothered about grandchildren just want dh - alone - to socialise as they make so many plans for things

And if my ‘behaviour’ has put then off then so be it - it’s not intentional as I have autism so if I come across badly it’s not on purpose . Like I said though I used to mask but did develop selective mutism so perhaps they think I’m rude- but I’m not as it’s not on purpose

Gosh, the replies here seem really harsh on the OP.

I've not read through fully but seems like OP has extensive mental health issues and they have young DC as well, I can see why OP doesn't want OH disappearing all night for a BBQ etc...

Having autism though doesn't mens that you shouldn't be trying to counteract any negative impact it has on others.
You now want people to effectively make allowances for you, but you're not making any mitigations for your behavior.
As for the selective mutism that is very unusual to suddenly start in adult hood as usually starts in childhood. I say that as the mother of a child who is selectively mute.
It sounds like there's more going on and that needs addressing ASAP medically, psychologically but also with you making more of a concerted effort. The strain on your oh of effectively being your carer in essence and working ft and then parenting his child which you also struggle with could become too much if he also is estranged in effect from his family as a consequence of your issues when actually, they could be his support and him going with the children should be encouraged and beneficial for them all. And you should then be able to use this time as you wish, be that alone, doing mindfulness activities, in counselling, managing the responsibilities that you struggle with otherwise.
You do need to focus on being proactive and not simply being apathetic that diagnoses makes the scenarios acceptable as they don't, they may simply explain some elements...

I do have some recollections as a child of times I couldn’t talk - it wasn’t often but enough times and I had a horrendous blushing problem that would happen simultaneously so I wonder if I did have it as a child

Where and with whom does this selective mutism manifest itself? Do you communicate with your dh's family at all?!

They don't seem to have been completely wrong though? The delivery wasn't great but you did need to try harder and making a gp appointment is a great first step at that. It seems before that you hadn't actually taken any steps at all to get better for your family, you just expected your dh to do it all?

I'm sure your dh is telling you it's fine, he doesn't mind at all, I used to tell my depressed dh the same but I wasn't fine, I did mind and if he hadn't have been actively seeking help to get better I would have been out. Caring for someone mentally ill is draining, it can feel like they are sucking all the joy out of life, you can only take so much before you ask yourself what is the point?

But that sounds more like shyness and embarrassment as selective mutism tends to be more consistent in my experience.

In what circumstances are you feeling that you're suffering this? And wouldn't be linked to pnd as far as I know.

I have selective mutism

stop minimising my conditions

Im so glad for the support over on ND mumsnetters at least there is a sage supportive space where I’m understood

safe

It sounds like he's been using you as a bit of an excuse. If you weren't ill, is it possible he's still choose not to go because he's tired and can't be bothered etc?

How come you cannot go at all? Appreciate its a spectrum but we have 3 people with ADHD and autistic traits in our family and two with autism. All can go to family events. It's more managing them I.e. taking selves away when it gets too noisy or overwhelming. It shouldn't mean forever more your DH cannot go to these events either as you should be able to go and make adjustments or stay at home and he go. That's why I've said yabu.

I'm utterly shocked by some of the callous replies here.

It is obvious that Haveasecret is under a lot of pressure at the moment - adjusting to a new diagnosis, adjusting to parenting (which will no doubt be made harder by being ND) and coping with demanding in-laws that have shown themselves to be selfish and unhelpful.

She is doing all the right things by reassessing where she spends her energy so that she, and by extension, her DH and child have the best quality of life while she adjusts and comes up with strategies for living with ASD and ADHD. Before diagnosis, I'm sure most of her energy went into just coping day to day.

I'm not ASD, but I was assessed for it as there were enough boxes ticked, and I vividly remember how hard the early years of child-rearing were for me.

@Haveasecret - if I were you, I would head over to the ND area and get proper support. Ignore all the unhelpful replies here.

Whilst this is very difficult I don't know what OP is expecting? His parents are concerned and rightly so. Are you on AD's? When did you last see GP? Getting a private diagnosis for ASD and adhd is fine, but you now need to get back into the nhs. You couldn't have medication because of bf'ing, so now phone back the person who privately diagnosed you and ask for medication. Also ask them to write to GP. You could get ADHD meds from GP, AD's and counselling?

I missed this post OP. I 100% recommend meds. Since my DH has been on them he has improved so much. I can't have meds yet but will be once I am cleared for them. Talk to your GP as you're clearly not managing with your conditions and you deserve to live more of a life x

I am so sorry you are getting flamed OP. People think it is so easy going and getting help, but it is so difficult to admit you are struggling because of reactions just like your PIL's.
It is good that you have a supportive and understanding DH, I don't know what I would have done without mine. You have taken the first step and contacted your gp to get the help you need. I don't know if you have had your appointment yet, but if not, make a list of everything you want to say to the gp, everything you have been and are going through, just so you don't miss anything off. Also is your DH able to go with you, if not if you have a list you can just hand it over to your gp.
Please try not to let the nasty people in this thread get to you OP, some people just don't have the capacity to understand.

In the mean time, if you are feeling overwhelmed, I tend to make sure the kids are somewhere safe and remove myself for 5 minutes, just to breath. Not far just to another room (usually the bathroom) and just do something for those 5 minutes that makes me relax (I usually listen to a song I like) it just helps me refill my cup (gives me an extra spoon) to be able to carry on. It might work for you, it might not but its worth a try.

The Op used a broken leg analogy earlier. The OP has essentially broken her leg then kept using it for 2 years without being seen, making it worse and increasing the pressure on her dh to the point where she makes rules about how long he can leave her alone for. How can anyone say that that is the right thing? She certainly hasn't done all of the right things for her dh and her children. She knows mental health issues are the same as physical health issues, she is the one that compared it to a broken leg and she knows that you don't keep walking around on a broken leg yet she didn't even bother to contact her GP until called out by his family?

Maybe this is too close to the bone for me being married to an autistic man who had severe depression for a few years but at least he sought help. I knew he was trying to get better and I supported him in that. The OP has done nothing for years at this point except continue to ramp up the pressure on her husband who is now isolated from his family and is spending his life ruled by the OPs mental health issues. It's great that the OP has a 'safe space' to talk about it, maybe she should recognise that her husband could do with the same courtesy and apologise for making him suffer alone for the past 2 years as her carer without even his family to talk to about it. Tell him not to ignore his family now, that she understands that their reaction was out of concern for their son and that they were right she should have looked for help much sooner before it got to the point it has.

Totally agree with@Choopi

Has anyone considered that maybe by the time the OP survived each day, there is no energy left to reach out and seek further help?

just getting a diagnosis is difficult enough, it’s usually a battle and getting medical professionals to understand/believe you is hugely difficult socially, particularly when you have difficulties in that area! Also, many GPs don’t acknowledge autism or make any allowances for it- I have given up trying to even get an appointment and hung up in tears, even talking to receptionists!

Idem

Me too, excellent post.

I understand the stigma and difficulties of mental illness all too well, I suffered with anorexia for many years which is both a mental health issue manifesting in severe physical symptoms, so both sides of the coin, so to speak.

I have a loving partner, family and friends but if I just abandoned treatment, stopped taking medication or engaging in therapy, and just generally "opting out" whilst expecting everyone around me to pick up the pieces... well, that would be on me.

Let alone if I left my partner to work full time, do everything around the house, care for any children but not be allowed to leave me alone to go to even a family BBQ.

If I did that, then even through the almost selfish haze of an eating disorder I would expect to be told to take some responsibility for my own health and happiness, and more importantly, the happiness of those who love me.

Posters aren't being harsh or judgmental about mental health/neurodiversity, just suggesting that as a wife and mother you do need to take some responsibility for the fact you depend on others to care for you whilst not taking action to help yourself.

And like the previous poster said, your husband deserves a safe space and some respite too.

No, because by the OPs account she has been 'spooning' out her energy as she sees fit, she has her dh as a carer who I am sure would have given her time and space to make the call, written a script for her or even made the call to make a gp app for her if she has asked. Not to mention the fact that as soon as she was called out by her inlaws she suddenly found the energy to make a phone call.

It isn't particularly difficult to get a diagnosis of depression which is what the OP is looking for help with, GPs see people day in day out with mental health issues and dish out anti-depressants no problems. She can bring her husband along for support to the appointment if she likes. My 15 year old autistic son managed to go to the GP last month with mental health issues and make himself understood. I made plenty of appointments for dh and accompanied him to most of them when he was at his worst, I know the drill.

I think it is a stretch to believe in 2 years the OP with the help from her carer if she would have asked couldn't have managed to make and attend a GP appointment.

OP it sounds like you’re in a very dark place and you need to seek help from GP and get yourself on some medication perhaps. I remember after I suffered a mental health breakdown that I shut myself away and the more I did so, the more of a struggle it became to get out of the door. Posters are right that you cannot go on like this, you need help. Your child needs social interaction and your husband’s family want their son back in their lives. They don’t sound the most agreeable so if you don’t want to spend time with them, that’s fine. But I’m pretty sure your husband wants to be supportive of you so if you encourage him to go with your son they might not feel as hostile towards you. It’s very likely they’re annoyed because they don’t understand in what a bad way you are.

You don’t have the fight in you right now and I’ve been there. But you need to take that first step and be completely open with your GP. This isn’t a way to live your life. It’s a very dark, rough patch and there is light at the end of the tunnel - you just need to fight for it. Good luck x