To have kept this from everyone?

[Haveasecret]

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

Sorry I wasn’t clear - he hasn’t been avoiding them for 2 years it’s been more like 9/10 months so not the whole time just gradually got worse

I think if it was my son one day and he was supporting his partner through a bad time temporarily I’d put my own needs aside and actually offer to help or accept invitations to his house if I wanted to see him that much

From your posts it doesn't sound like it has been a temporary period. I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel bad but offer you a different perspective. You use a broken bone as a comparison but that would take 6 weeks to heal and he could still leave the house!

I think it is lovely that he is helping you but honestly he also needs to look after his own mental health. Going to work then coming straight home to be a carer will take its toll. What will you do as a family of he were to have a breakdown now?

When's your GP appointment?
Hopefully they can get you some meds and maybe some talking therapy to help with the anxiety/depression.

I'd avoid talking about his parents for a little while. Give everyone time to calm down.
When you're feeling stronger try to discourage him from cutting them off if they're generally ok to be around (apart from how awful they've been today).

Are they any good with your children?

I hate socialising and I have selective mutism . I literally freeze and can’t do or say anything . I cannot do it and before I get so anxious and after I have to sleep for so long that it’s not worth it. I used to mask but that was exhausting and I can’t anymore I also get physical pain in my chest or up the back of my neck and base of skull i think it’s tension then I get shaky

Hey,

I really feel for both you and your husband. I have suffered with mental health issues and PND, my brother and son are autistic and DF has depression and ADHD.

ADHD is so encompassing. It is not just attention. It is sensory, mood swings, anxiety, very big emotions, being unable to organise, being unable to get motivated, impulsivity, etc.

Autism can bring anxiety, social difficulties, problems expressing or understanding emotions, sensory issues etc etc.

You know all of this already I'm sure. I'm not surprised one bit that your PND has made your other symptoms worse. Depression alone can cause overwhelm... Never mind with the loud noises etc triggering both your ASC and ADHD. I can completely see how young children and responsibilities can cause you overwhelm and use up so much of your energy. It's not easy at all! You have to balance your spoons, as you say, and each day brings a different amount of spoons, so every day may not be the same, depending on your level of emotion/overwhelm.

You don't have the executive function of a neurotypical, and so the people calling you controlling etc etc, please don't take their words to heart. It's their opinion, but not the truth.

I think it's wonderful your husband is so hands on with you and the children and is supporting you as a family. If a person had a physical condition, that meant they couldn't bathe or bed the children due to pain and their partners had to come help, they wouldn't call them selfish and controlling. You can't help your brain. And it doesn't have to be negative! My DS and DF are capable of so many things that my brain isn't, all because of the way in which they are wired. You have strengths other people do. And once you're on a level, you might be able to harness and appreciate them more.

With the GP, I'd ask to be referred to the ADHD and autism service with your private diagnosis. If they decline, then ask that they refer you for one on the NHS. Idk how you feel about medication, but DF is on Medikinet (ritalin) now and it has made such a difference. He doesn't get overwhelmed when the kids are noisy, he is more organised, more rational and just functions so much better. He is also on sertraline for depression, you could maybe also consider antidepressants? They genuinely do make the world of difference. And treating some of your symptoms will help others.

You can request therapy on the NHS but they're usually full and have quite a wait. I actually pay for phone therapy and I've got to keep my therapist for 2 years, she is wonderful. If you could find an ADHD/autism informed therapist it could help so much.

Your husband could call adult social services and request a carers assessment, they will then be able to signpost you to organisations that can help support you.

Sorry for all of the information in one post! I just hate to hear someone struggling so much and I can really relate. Feel free to message. Xxx

Thankyou so much

I’m definitely open to the idea of medication as I want to feel better as soon as possible and I’ll try anything. I know therapy or counselling long term is probably good but if someone could give me some tablets that helped quite quick I’d be so relieved. Thankyou for all the helpful info

This. The ablism on this thread is shocking. You don't get "better" from being neurodivergent, all you can do is manage your spoons. OP sounds like you are lucky to have a partner who understands. Also sounds like you may be in burnout, which with young children is not at all surprising. I'm sorry you're not receiving more compassion.

You use the example of a broken leg, but if he/you broke a bone you would surely go to the doctor/get a cast/painkillers, not just hope it magically heals of its own accord!

You can't have it both ways, mental health issues are incredibly difficult but you have to help yourself.

Does your husband work full time, have a stressful commute then have to do everything around the house then? If the sexes were reversed here he would be expected to get to a GP, online therapy, anything, and rightly so. Help is there, but you have to engage.

Alienating him from his family is so unfair, as is expecting him to work, earn and do the SAHM "work" with no respite.

How did you come by your private diagnosis?

Your private adhd people didn't suggest medication?

I booked it and had the appts then had a diagnosis ? They had to talk to dh too and my mum had a video call about my childhood

It wasn’t appropriate as I was breastfeeding at the time so wasn’t discussed

Ok well that's something you can look at in the future - may have to be private though you could ask your GP about shared care.

I was higher functioning before pnd and I can’t get back to that . I don’t really know why exactly but it’s as if it made it all worse

I may be off the mark, but this rang alarm bells for me. Worse since PND makes me think that it could actually be pregnancy & Labour related. I had similar after DD was born, but not diagnosed with PND, but eventually diagnosed with pernicious anaemia. Baby takes your Vitamin B12 stores in the womb, plus Nitrous Oxide used in Labour inactivates B12. If you are low for any reason, (vegan, vegetarian, gastric issues put you at higher risk of deficiency, or hereditary pernicious anaemia) B12 causes a lot of symptoms some of which mimic MH Diagnosis.

I found when mine was low, I just couldn't handle people at all, couldn't follow conversation & felt overwhelmed by noise. Lights & smells, like it was a war zone. Plus a lot of other symptoms, such as tinnitus, physical & mental exhaustion, insomnia, & more

My DD has ASD too & she got worse & less high functioning, wanted to hide from anyone but us, plus nerve pain & more, she wouldn't leave the house & was mostly bed bound for 2 years, a wheelchair was a good day. She has pernicious anaemia too & it worsens around puberty as the body uses more B12. Her loading dose of B12 injections got her out of a wheelchair & meeting up with friends in under 2 weeks

Maybe this is something to look into, your GP can test for low B12 & if you need it, B12 injections can make a hell of a difference.

There are two issues here.

One is unreasonable demands on your DH by his family. Apparently they have left him with no choice but to reduce contact with them as they keep on trying to monopolise his time.

The other is your mental health.
You need to see a doctor and get all the help you need to make all your lives better.

This. The ablism on this thread is shocking. You don't get "better" from being neurodivergent, all you can do is manage your spoons.

She's said she could manage prior to the PND. It's the depression she can get better from to help make life more manageable again. Nobody's suggested anyone can cure her ASD.

I managed ok but looking back I was having to constantly mask and was exhausted and I can’t mask anymore but I also feel like even if I wasn’t depressed and when I feel better from that I don’t want to have to mask all the time as it was too much it was horrible

There's also a thing called autistic burnout. It's commonly misunderstood and misdiagnosed by neutotypicals as depression. It's not depression. Its impact can be reduced/recovered from, but largely by doing what the OP already seems to be doing. Limiting situations which require masking (=socialising), unmasking, and reducing the sensory inputs which overstimulate an autistic brain (=getting support with parenting, resting, switching off, picking your battles). Learning to balance your spoons.

Of course I'm not in a position to diagnose OP. And I'm not at all saying they should not seek out further support and/or therapy if they feel this would be helpful, because I believe in exploring all options. But the vast majority of posters seem to be leaping to the assumption that OP must be experiencing neurotypical depression. Seems like an illogical assumption to me, most likely built on the lack of understanding of concepts such as autistic burnout. Some are even recommending further steps which would be likely to worsen potential burnout (e.g. socialising more). Meanwhile, OP is being slated for doing all the things which would actually improve burnout, with what sounds to me the consenting support of a loving partner. I consider that ablist. As someone pointed out, PND is generally not considered PND anymore if it extends past the postnatal period. So even a prior official, accurate diagnosis of PND does not exclude the possibility of burnout right now.

I'm certainly not the expert. All I'm throwing out there is the possibility that there may be more to this than neurotypical people may be able to see. And that perhaps it's best not to make judgements or assumptions on what you can't fully understand?

I'd therefore encourage OP to get advice from people who've been there and done that, rather than people who may not have the capacity to comprehend a very different way of experiencing life and the challenges which go along with that.

OP, I hear you. I get it. These things are only obvious in retrospect.

Try not to feel guilty for the wider situation with the family. Instead, tell your partner how much you appreciate his understanding and support. One thing the other posters are correct on is that it's a tough situation all round, and I suspect it'll help for him to hear that.

Rooting for you all to find your balance.

Tbh, diagnoses or not, and I'm a parent of a child with ASD and many family members, I do think that to an extent think they're right
Your husband is missing out on everything linked to his family. I do hope that you managed to get support and address this as its incredibly unfair.
Yes his family could try and be more understanding yadayada, but that doesn't change that from their perspective that their son and grandchild are having their lives severely limited by you and your needs.
Sometimes, conditions and diagnoses or not, we do have to put in our big pants and just manage whether that is masking or not.
What will you be doing if still like this when your lo goes to school? Still avoiding every day normal life?

You're right @Haveasecret. You shouldn't have to mask. Please do encourage your DH to come to your GP appointment with you. I hope you can get the support you need to start living a healthier life for you both again.

There is so much ableism on this thread, the posters suggesting you just “put your big girl pants on and cope”- would you suggest thus to someone with a physical disability trying to get up some steps, or do you think there should be a ramp.

The OP has a disability, it’s not a case of just trying harder FFS!!! When I go mute under stress, I can’t just start speaking again by “just trying harder”… how would the OP be able to manage that under the scrutiny of her PIL, who clearly don’t understand the condition?! How on earth do you think that will improve her mental health and coping strategies?! Taking time and space to come up with coping strategies with the support of the DH, GP and other services is the right thing to do.

If a physically disabled person has refused to address their physical issues and so the rest of the family then suffered as could never go upstairs anywhere in yes I'd say the same.

Being a parent and partner means you put the needs of others above your discomfort. Something she hasn't been willing to do.

A short period. Absolutely.

Years on end. That's taking the biscuit.

It's not their place to help or lander to you any further though (depends on your take of the situation).

Their priorities quite rightly are their son and grandchild who are the ones suffering. It sounds like the 2yo won't even know them with so little contact.

They show zero interest in dc. We have invited them round and they alway decline so that has nothing to do with my issues.