To have kept this from everyone?

[Haveasecret]

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

I think this may be why he’s been avoiding them even when I’ve said he should go out I’m not sure 🤷‍♀️

Why couldn't he stay for longer/as long as he wants?

Would you phone him wanting him home/give grief on his return?

Is your child getting to go out to groups and activities?

I think you need to make it clear to your husband that he should go to these things with the children. It is right that he is supporting you but it's wrong if everyone has to stay in because you can't go out.

For fil birthday bbq I told him he should go for a few hours and I think that’s fine and long enough when he needed to be back to help me with bathtime and bedtime etc but his family stay out till really late and end up staying over at pil house so they expect everyone to do that but everyone else has grown up children who are either at college or have left home !

I have told dh what was said and he said he’s not surprised which is why he’s been avoiding them as knew it would be the case as they just want everyone adhering to their social schedule they like to plan things since retiring and expect everyone to drop everything

So sorry you got such an unsympathetic response but you were right thing to tell them. Now you have a clearer picture of they way your PIL think and why your dh avoids them if not with you.

Please remember your PIL's response is NOT personal to you - they would be that way with anyone in your situation. I pity anyone in their family who may be experiencing mental health problems and keeping it to themselves. They are shameful, self-centered and uninformed. Fortunately, you will be a far more sympathetic ear in future should anyone come to you with their anxieties.

Now you've spoken up it is time for you to get help. Do make that appointment with your gp to begin with and don't be discouraged. Meanwhile, encourage your DH and DCs to go to family events without you. Presumably if you went too you would all leave earlier to put the DCs to bed in any case. It's always different for family with small DCs rather than teens and your PIL need to understand that.

Well done for tackling this head on, particularly as your instincts were against it. You should really be proud of yourself. Not everyone is empathetic but in my opinion your PIL are the losers in this. Life is far more complicated (and richer) than a series of events to railroad family members into. They will no doubt hang onto their ignorance but I'm not sure trying to cling onto control of their grown up dcs is the road to happiness.

I’m sorry you had such a negative reaction; remember that says so much more about them than it does about you!

I was diagnosed at 24 with ASD and my family don’t get it either! I also found that when I was newly diagnosed that I was suddenly acutely aware of my ASD traits and that really knocked my confidence about what I could and couldn’t do due to my ASD. I slowly came to realise that I was the same person as I was pre-diagnosis, I was just now hyper aware of my so called faults and that was making me really unconfident.

I changed my focus to looking at what support the diagnosis would give me rather than what traits it highlighted. So instead of looking at my social shortcomings, I used it to start learning what social scenarios I did best in and which were more challenging. Then I started avoiding some of the more challenging ones that didn’t benefit me or weren’t essential, leaving me more energy for ones which I couldn’t avoid- I then had more headspace to come up with strategies to cope with them.

So rather than withdrawing from everything challenging when you have ASD I basically became selective and started to identify what resources I had/what were my limits and use that as wisely as I can. I still don’t get it 100% right but I try my best and I can accept getting it wrong some of the time, if I know I am trying!

An example would be that I often let my husband visit the in laws alone, however I will make the effort for birthdays/Xmas etc. My husband stays out late when he goes alone, but when we go together he comes home earlier with me- this works for both of us.

You should work with your husband so that he supports you in the most useful way to you, but not 24/7 so that he still has downtime and his own life- your idea of him going alone and coming back for bedtime sounds good, or could he stay home earlier, get the kids to bed and then go out for the late part?

come over to the Neurodiverse board and meet more of us- there are lots of people at different stages of the process and you may feel better to know you are not alone!

to reiterate- your in laws sound like arses!

For fil birthday bbq I told him he should go for a few hours and I think that’s fine and long enough when he needed to be back to help me with bathtime and bedtime etc

Sorry OP but this is a bit unfair. You can't dictate how many hours he's out for, especially if it's an exceptionally rare occurrence because he's always around. You could skip bath time for one night if it's too hard for you to manage it all.

God, I'd have to agree! Really, op

My husband has social anxiety (poss asd but not diagnosed) he has pretty much limited the times he will join my family gatherings, but there is no way he would stop me going along or dictate how long i spent. Your dh should still engage with his family there is no need to stay with you surely? Why is he limited to 2 hours?

These things aren’t rare though - I used fil bday as the example as it was most recent - they are always planning things , drinks , restaurants, bbqs and expect them to go. On or overnight. I don’t ask him not to go it’s just he knows I’m struggling lately and his family aren’t very sympathetic

A couple of hours I mean a few so 3,4,5 not exactly a couple (2)

Anyway - it’s been his choice and tbh after how rude they’ve been today he says he wants to cut contact

You say his family aren't very sympathetic but how can they be when they don't know you're struggling? It sounds controlling to be honest, he doesn't need to be back for every bath and bedtime does he, but you dictate/guilt him into thinking he does evidently. It's really sad he's considering going no contact with his family over a position he's been put in because of you. Poor bloke. Struggling with mental health can make you self centred so not your fault but honestly seek additional help before he either ruins all of his relationships or has enough and leaves.

I told them - have you seen my update today ? They have been horrible.

ASD plus ADHD was a struggle enough and I ALWAYS made an effort but PND has made it impossible and dh has been wonderful and supportive and all I get is criticism and then when I open up I get told to snap out of it etc - I have been urging him to go even if it’s for less time that they demand but he has made his own choices

Yes I have. Whilst some of their comments are disgraceful I agree it's not fair on their son to be honest. From their perspective he's not permitted to see them much and when he does its not for long- who would want that for their child?

It’s his choice 🤷‍♀️

He is making a decision based on how demanding they are in general and how unkind they have been when I’ve opened up. We both know how difficult things have been and he knows I have always said he should go out but he chooses not to. He has a long commute as well and os often tired but they don’t seem to understand that he’s trying to prioritise office and home before socialising

A lot of the time as well if there’s an invite on a Friday night he’s genuinely tired and that’s the reason then that he declines as he literally has had a busy week and 3 trains home and just wants to get in and switch off and relax not go round and socialise himself so whilst it’s 95% of the time me there some of it where it’s for his own reasons

They do have the option to come to us sometimes but don’t - I wouldnt mind that at all as I could if overwhelmed just pop upstairs but they want to host everything or go out which isn’t always easy

But how do you tell him he should go out? Is it a breeze 'go have fun with your family' or a very laden 'you go if you want, am sure we'll be fine.....'
How do you manage other things? School run, kids friends parties/other social things? Do you just not go or its always the full family?

Reading your initial op I got the impression that your dh was your full time carer and you couldn't be left alone?
Now you say he works a three train journey away... Clearly you can manage alone when you have to? This is all very odd.

I literally use up all my ‘spoons’ on those things and then that’s why he knows I’m at my limit and why he helps

there are no other family occasions except his as my family live abroad

so far haven’t had any kids party invites so can’t say about that kind of thing

How do kids get to nursery/school?