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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kept this from everyone?

150 replies

Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 17:16

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:09

Johnnysgirl · 04/07/2022 20:02

Reading your initial op I got the impression that your dh was your full time carer and you couldn't be left alone? Confused
Now you say he works a three train journey away... Clearly you can manage alone when you have to? This is all very odd.

Show quote history

He has to work and I’m using up all my spoons for when I have no choice so when he’s here he is trying to help me

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:10

I’m not making a choice to do what suits me I’m struggling to do things when he’s at work and using up all my energy for the important stuff like that I’m not being selective to be obstructive for his social life

OP posts:
drpet49 · 04/07/2022 20:11

“You say his family aren't very sympathetic but how can they be when they don't know you're struggling? It sounds controlling to be honest, he doesn't need to be back for every bath and bedtime does he, but you dictate/guilt him into thinking he does evidently. It's really sad he's considering going no contact with his family over a position he's been put in because of you. Poor bloke.”

^This. I feel sorry for your husband. Your behaviour is controlling. It seems you and pick and choose

Badlifeday · 04/07/2022 20:13

I'm sorry your pil reacted badly. With any luck they will go away and think about it and reconsider their response. They will always put their son and their grandchildren's needs first though, which will affect how they respond to you.
The father's birthday is one event he should not have missed, and they are probably now seeing this as your "fault".

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:15

drpet49 · 04/07/2022 20:11

“You say his family aren't very sympathetic but how can they be when they don't know you're struggling? It sounds controlling to be honest, he doesn't need to be back for every bath and bedtime does he, but you dictate/guilt him into thinking he does evidently. It's really sad he's considering going no contact with his family over a position he's been put in because of you. Poor bloke.”

^This. I feel sorry for your husband. Your behaviour is controlling. It seems you and pick and choose

Not at all I’m struggling when he is at work but he has to work. I have sleepless nights and have to function on little sleep.
i have to FORCE MYSELF to get up and do the school run and my anxiety is sky high. None of these things are optional as we need him to earn and I have to do school run. I use up ALL my ‘spoons’

previously before my pnd I had no issues despite struggling with asd and adhd but not to this extent . I’m not being controlling. He knows that his family’s demands are not fair - he knows that I can’t manage everything and we are prioritising the things we need to

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:17

Dh knows the situation maybe those caking need selective or controlling are just saying that because obviously how could you understand the situation as you aren’t us but I’ve tried to explain and I am trying my best. My dh is not controlled he is trying to be supportive because my pnd is causing me a lot of problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:18

that should say

‘Calling me selective’

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:20

He knows his families demands aren't fair what are the 'demands' other than to see their son/brother?
I really think you need to see someone for talking therapies or more. The more you hide away and completely rely on him for everything the smaller your and then his world will get.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:23

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:20

He knows his families demands aren't fair what are the 'demands' other than to see their son/brother?
I really think you need to see someone for talking therapies or more. The more you hide away and completely rely on him for everything the smaller your and then his world will get.

To be going out 2-3 times a week for hours and hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:23

and they won’t come to ours

OP posts:
Manekinek0 · 04/07/2022 20:29

Have you tried to see things from your PILs point of view? I would be terribly concerned if my son was not allowed to attend his father's birthday party because his partner had "used up all of her spoons". Unfortunately with any mental illness the family and support network are also negatively impacted and your DH will need a break. He can't just work and be then come home to be a carer.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:32

Manekinek0 · 04/07/2022 20:29

Have you tried to see things from your PILs point of view? I would be terribly concerned if my son was not allowed to attend his father's birthday party because his partner had "used up all of her spoons". Unfortunately with any mental illness the family and support network are also negatively impacted and your DH will need a break. He can't just work and be then come home to be a carer.

I think if it was my son one day and he was supporting his partner through a bad time temporarily I’d put my own needs aside and actually offer to help or accept invitations to his house if I wanted to see him that much

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/07/2022 20:44

I don't think anyones demands on him are being fair.

You're making him choose between them and you.

He feels like he has to choose you because he'll get it in the neck if he's not home for bedtime.

They're giving him shit because he's choosing you and they don't understand why.

Now, after 2 years of him being isolated from his family - rightly or wrongly - you're coming out with what they will see as excuses. You're genuinely struggling and you are unwell but it's taken 2 years for you to phone a doctor. Two years of your husband being dragged between you and his parents.

Can you see how that's not right?

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:48

girlmom21 · 04/07/2022 20:44

I don't think anyones demands on him are being fair.

You're making him choose between them and you.

He feels like he has to choose you because he'll get it in the neck if he's not home for bedtime.

They're giving him shit because he's choosing you and they don't understand why.

Now, after 2 years of him being isolated from his family - rightly or wrongly - you're coming out with what they will see as excuses. You're genuinely struggling and you are unwell but it's taken 2 years for you to phone a doctor. Two years of your husband being dragged between you and his parents.

Can you see how that's not right?

Well I’m trying to look at it in order of priority

I’m going to see the gp, dh is supporting me while things are bad. As they improve obviously things will change it’s just right now I need the support I don’t think that’s wrong ? He’s happy to help and support me - he wants me to feel better. If it was the other way round and for example broke a bone and was out of action for a while I’d have to step up temporarily it’s really nice different so I’m not going to let anyone make me feel bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:48

nice - not

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:50

And I was totally honest with PIL - if they were truly worried about the effect on dh surely they’d have said ‘what can we do to help ?’ Not ‘snap out of it ‘ basically so they can keep on having their nights out/meals out /parties etc on their exact terms

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:50

I think if it was my son one day and he was supporting his partner through a bad time temporarily I’d put my own needs aside and actually offer to help or accept invitations to his house if I wanted to see him that much

So how long is temporarily? And I (presumably) think they don't feel welcome at your house if you go upstairs when they visit?

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:52

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:50

I think if it was my son one day and he was supporting his partner through a bad time temporarily I’d put my own needs aside and actually offer to help or accept invitations to his house if I wanted to see him that much

So how long is temporarily? And I (presumably) think they don't feel welcome at your house if you go upstairs when they visit?

I don’t know if I see the gp maybe they’ll give me some counselling ? Or medication ?How long that takes to help ?

i don’t go upstairs - they won’t come here !!!! I said if they did come and I then felt overwhelmed it’s easier in my own home to take myself off if necessary

OP posts:
lljkk · 04/07/2022 20:54

Is it still called PND when the youngest child is 2yo? I mean, however the depression started, it's not driven by post-natal hormones any more after 2 years, is it?

I suppose the ASD & ADHD make mental illness harder, but are they driving this situation ? Bottom line is OP is not resilient because of mental illness. Being ill isn't her fault but is her responsibility to accept help, try to get better. Her DH needs support from his family, too, so he can be at his best to help OP.

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:54

Who gave you the diagnoses of pnd and adhd? They may be best to go to?
What help did you get with them? No medication offered?

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:56

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2022 20:54

Who gave you the diagnoses of pnd and adhd? They may be best to go to?
What help did you get with them? No medication offered?

Asd and adhd were private diagnosis

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/07/2022 20:58

But OP it's been 2 years. That's the point. If it was a broken leg you wouldn't have expected him to carry you around for two years.

I'm not trying to be horrible and I know you're in a really awful position but if my child had limited contact with me meaning id had limited contact with their children for two whole years id be really upset. If I found out it was because their partner was trying to limit their time with me id be angry at them and tell them to snap out of it too.

They'll probably apologise when they can see you're trying to get help but at the moment it's just an excuse in their eyes.

cheesepretzel · 04/07/2022 20:58

Op, as previous poster(s) have said, head over to the neuro divergence board. You're getting a lot of grief here from people who really don't understand what it's like when you get overwhelmed and how you have to limit what you do to get through the day in one piece.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 20:58

lljkk · 04/07/2022 20:54

Is it still called PND when the youngest child is 2yo? I mean, however the depression started, it's not driven by post-natal hormones any more after 2 years, is it?

I suppose the ASD & ADHD make mental illness harder, but are they driving this situation ? Bottom line is OP is not resilient because of mental illness. Being ill isn't her fault but is her responsibility to accept help, try to get better. Her DH needs support from his family, too, so he can be at his best to help OP.

I don’t know I’m not sure. I think it’s just lingered through not being treated / dealt with properly

I didn’t want to be a failure with something else on top of asd and adhd , I worried would I be judged would anyone question my ability to parent etc. i can see now I need help that’s why I’m going to see the gp

OP posts:
DontLookBackInAnger1 · 04/07/2022 20:58

Why can't he leave you on your own? It's sounds like an unhealthy situation. He needs to be able to see his family.

And the truth is, people will misinterpret you unless you explain, at least briefly, that you're going through issues not related to them.

But I'm still struggling to see why you can't meet up with them? ASD and ADHD aren't life/socialising ending diagnoses.