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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kept this from everyone?

150 replies

Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 17:16

ive got myself into a situation- I’ve had some struggles for years and pnd then diagnosis as an adult with asd and adhd.

i haven’t told anyone. Dh helps me. A lot. He’s finding it hard and his family are starting to question things like why he’s not able to do things/go places. I think they’ve got the wrong end of the stick and think I don’t like them ? I think they think I’m being off and not wanting to socialise with them etc.

one of our dc is having some difficulties too so things are hard.

i don’t feel ready to open up about my diagnosis but I can tell if I don’t everyone is making wrong assumptions and I feel shit about it all 😞

OP posts:
LetitiaLeghorn · 30/06/2022 19:20

To your in-laws this is definitely going to look like you've fallen out with them and you're making their son choose you over them. That seems to be making the situation, and probably your pnd, worse. You don't need to mention about your ASD diagnosis - any behaviours you've shown over this previously, theyll already have seen so a name for the behaviour won't be a big thing for them - but explain about your depression. The more you push yourself to socialise, the better it is for your mh anyway, and including them is the best way to dispersing your building concern over it.
You're ill. Dont push them away, let them help

Squareflair · 30/06/2022 19:50

I struggle because I have crippling anxiety and diagnosed ADHD so quite often I have to bow out of things- so I get it. I feel comfortable sharing with loved ones why it's sometimes hard for me but I encourage DH to go to things still. They're probably questioning why he isn't going to see them more than why you aren't.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 23:08

I was higher functioning before pnd and I can’t get back to that . I don’t really know why exactly but it’s as if it made it all worse

I cry for the things I used to be able to do and I can’t mask anymore I used to mask all the time and get through and I can’t now

OP posts:
JellyBellyNelly · 01/07/2022 06:17

Haveasecret · 30/06/2022 23:08

I was higher functioning before pnd and I can’t get back to that . I don’t really know why exactly but it’s as if it made it all worse

I cry for the things I used to be able to do and I can’t mask anymore I used to mask all the time and get through and I can’t now

No one copes very well when they have any kind of depression and anxiety so what you’ve explained above is perfectly normal. Depression quite simply knocks the stuffing out of you and you can become a different person, even the smallest tasks can seem monumental and things a person would previously be able to do just stop happening.

You have so much going on right now with your diagnosis and your childrens difficulties on top of everything else it’s no wondering your struggling and your mental health has deteriorated.

Please go back to your Dr and ask him to explore beyond your PND and take into account everything else that can also cause depression as it could be that you require specialist help getting your mental health back on track that is beyond the remit of a GP. You could also ask for counseling from someone specialising in looking after those on the spectrum.

Etinoxaurus · 01/07/2022 06:28

You’re depressed my love.
Flowers

Dashel · 01/07/2022 07:03

Are you getting any therapy and help from your GP? It sounds like you are quite dependent on your DH and to the point that it’s stopping him seeing his family, which is unfair as he will need support too.

I would see about getting additional support for you, a friend, your parents, sibling and a therapist so that at the very least DH can go out with his family for the afternoon and not worry about you. Even if it’s you going to the gym or a yoga class. Maybe find something you can do a lone for a few hours like painting, exercise whilst he and the dc go to the in-laws? Work your way up if needed so he stays nearby if you need.

I think sooner or later you should tell his family that you are having issues, they might be able to help and you don’t need to do a big announcement, maybe just invite his mum round for a cup of tea

Original poster
Haveasecret · 01/07/2022 09:23

Last weekend was Fil birthday and I said to dh he should go for a couple of hours but he said no as they’ll expect him there longer so he may as well not go at all rather than have to make excuses. I said I’d be fine but he said it’s not the point the point is nobody knows so nobody understands and even if I said he could tell them he said they still wouldn’t understand .

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 01/07/2022 09:29

Firstly op, are you getting support like a counsellor or your GP? It sounds miserable. I have dc with ASD / ADHD and since Covid they are like shells of what they used to be. So we have a safe home life and I am reintroducing them to more of a life outside home gradually. It is hard.

Secondly it sounds like your husband is blaming you, surely that’s making things worse? He’s saying that they won’t understand even if you do tell them? Well what’s to stop you just telling them and then saying he can go for as long as he likes?

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 01/07/2022 09:48

I think that if I were you, @Haveasecret , unless there's something you're not telling us, eg your in laws are loud and brash and insensitive, then I would tell them about your struggles. I think there is a danger here that you may be building up in your own mind the difficulty of telling them, and only adding even further to the pressure you are under. I also think your husband is inadvertently adding to this pressure, by refusing to go to any events on his own.

At the moment your in laws are confused about what is happening, and trying to understand why you don't spend time with them any more. They probably worry they have offended or upset you in some way - I know I would in this situation. This surely is a good thing, and a mark of the love and care they have for you and your family. If they knew what was happening most probably the last thing they would want to do is add more to the pressure you are under. I can quite see that family gatherings might be completely overwhelming at times. If you knew they understood why you weren't there, or you could leave quietly without a fuss whenever you needed to, it might make things easier for you.

Why don't you and your husband sit down and talk about it? If you wanted he could go and have a chat with his parents, you could both agree beforehand just what you are happy for him to tell them. I just think this may well relieve some of the burden you carry, as well as giving your DH a bit of an outlet. You don't need to feel any pressure to resume contact immediately, but at least you won't worry that they think you don't like them.

You never know, they might just turn out to be terrific allies.

You have a secret, but sometimes secrets lose some of their power over you if you can confide in people. I wish you the very best, whatever you decide, x

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 01/07/2022 09:52

Of course, you could tell them yourself if you think your husband isn't up to the task. What if you invited eg your MIL or whoever you get on best with round for a coffee one day? Banish the DH with the children! 😊 Or write her a letter and give it to her when she arrives, whatever feels easiest. You have nothing to be ashamed of. 💕

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/07/2022 10:30

Is your dh possibly also depressed and using your asd/depression as an excuse to not see his family? Your last update sounds like you do encourage him to go...

Dirtylittleroses · 01/07/2022 10:37

Op, what support are you getting medically? It sounds like your husband has become your carer, and you don’t want anyone to know this. This is fine, as long as you are actively engaging with medical professionals to get treatment and recover, and it may also be impacting your husbands mental health, and ultimately your children and their home life.and relationships with ectended family

the inlaws are not the critical issue right now, the issue is what treatment you are getting.

Motnight · 01/07/2022 10:41

I don't understand why your diagnosis means that you can't be left alone. You do sound as if you are struggling Op, so do seek help apart from just your dh.

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 10:43

I think dh needs to tell them about your PND and depression and going out makes you anxious which is why you can’t attend family occasions at the moment. You don’t need to get into the other diagnosis just yet if you are not ready, that alone would help them understand op.

Can your family come and visit you as a starting point? They may be able to offer help and support?

Choopi · 01/07/2022 11:08

It sounds like you both could benefit hugely from professional help. You are coming to terms with the fact you have disabilities and your husband is also trying to come to terms with the fact that his wife is disabled and he now has caring duties.
Talking to someone(separately) might help you both figure out where you want to go from here and what the future can look like.
It sounds like a very scary, overwhelming time and that neither of you can see a way out. There is a way out, there always is but sometimes it can be hard to figure that out especially when the future you thought you had looks very different to the situation you are in.

Somanymistakes · 01/07/2022 13:33

I think the PND is your biggest problem right now.

Before it you could cope, albeit with masking, but the PND makes that impossible. That is totally understandable.

But nothing will get better if you aren't having treatment for it. As someone who has had PND and it went untreated, I ended up with depression for years. I had citalopram and it helped at my worst but I still struggled. It was changed after years by a physio which suggested a different type of antidepressant to help my pelvic floor too - duloxetine. It made the more incredible difference. It was as though the light had switched on again. I didn't realise how little citalopram helped and my exhaustion made it impossible to keep pushing my, frankly hopeless, GP.

I wish I'd change meds years ago but I had become so normalised to barely functional depression and had no outside help keeping an eye on me, that years went by.

I'm concerned your DH may also be struggling too. It seems he wants to stay at home rather than venturing out despite your encouragement. This won't help either of you. If he is to be your carer, he needs to be well enough.

I think you need an honest talk and both to seek more help. Can you tell a friend if you can't tell family? I wouldn't dismiss family either. You may find an other female in the family knows exactly how bad you feel and is a surprising ally.

You don't have to tell them about everything but I would urge you to talk about the PND at the very least.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 16:28

I did it. I told PIL and it was NOT what I expected.
Apparently I need to ‘try harder’ and ‘snap out of it’ that’s it’s unfair on their son. That it’s ‘snowflake culture’ Etc etc

Feel absolutely fucking horrendous

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 16:38

I’ve cried all afternoon and I’ve contacted the gp for an appointment so I can actually get some help

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/07/2022 16:42

Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 16:38

I’ve cried all afternoon and I’ve contacted the gp for an appointment so I can actually get some help

This is the right thing to do.
I'd suggest your DH does the same. Get him to come to your appointments too. It sounds like you both need some education and encouragement around these new unknowns.

Good luck for your appointment!

Iceewicee · 04/07/2022 16:45

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/07/2022 10:30

Is your dh possibly also depressed and using your asd/depression as an excuse to not see his family? Your last update sounds like you do encourage him to go...

I was wondering the same TBH.

SleeplessInEngland · 04/07/2022 16:49

Give your husband permission to tell his family what's happening.

Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 16:54

I feel like although I’m upset and shocked that I almost expected this because they’ve expressed views in the past which seemed harsh . I’m so embarrassed and hurt but I’m just going to get help from the gp

OP posts:
Original poster
Haveasecret · 04/07/2022 16:55

I didn’t think they’d be that unpleasant but I think they are worried about the pressure on dh but it’s made me feel so small and such a burden

OP posts:
TattiePants · 04/07/2022 16:59

Contacting your GP is absolutely the right thing to do. You are not a burden but you do need more help and support than what your DH can give you. Your Pil are horrendous so put them out of your mind. If DH wants to socialise with them then that’s fine but you don’t need to.

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