Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

@Triselly but asking people to spend hundreds of £s to go abroad for a hen do is ridiculous.

I would maybe check in with your MOH and ask how much is being asked of your friends in terms of money, annual leave, logistics etc. You might have a 'penny drop' moment

Fuck me threads like this make me feel so frigging OLD.

Hen holidays? Jesus wept. The industry, required head-space and total consuming drama of modern weddings is quite frankly absurd. Seems like a lot of people are making a lot of money from a culture that equates a ceremony that is meant to legalise and celebrate a relationship with an obligation for friends and family to throw enormous amounts of money at keeping two grown-ass adults’ party needs met.

What happened to having just a hen night? Like just a night out with your closest friends? Dinner, pub, dancing, that sort of thing?

OP please make the bride aware there is a cost of living crisis on at the moment and her special holiday may well be completely unaffordable for the bridesmaids.

Speak to the bride and suggest downscaling to something local and affordable. Have a nice meal out and everyone can be involved. Really no need to make it so extravagant half the BMs can't come

Host a dinner at yours for them all - or orga ise an afternoon picnic.

This happened to me. My friend (maid of honour) asked my group of friends if we'd be up for a foreign hen do. I said no, everyone else said an enthusiastic yes. MoH put a lot of effort in to making it reasonably affordable and asking people's opinions along the way.

Bride was a close friend and, nearer the time, my previous plans were cancelled, so in the end I decided to suck it up for her sake and go.

Literally EVERYONE else I knew pulled out when MoH asked them to actually start paying for stuff. And it was actually cheaper than what everyone had agreed to at the start.

The trip ended up being just me, MoH, bride, and one other girl I had never met before. I felt so sorry for the MoH.

We had a really good time, despite my low expectations, but it just confirmed my belief that foreign hen dos are a bad bad idea. I despise them.

I do think that the bridesmaids shouldn't have pushed for a hen do abroad though, if that's what happened re the polls.
You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask the bride to change to UK now, since this was your initial choice snd you haven't pulled out .

Bride is being massively unreasonable here. Doesn’t matter what people do with their money they’re allowed to prioritise whatever they want.

Sounds like it might be a blessing for those who have been ‘demoted’ to not be at the beck and call of someone who thinks the world revolves around their wedding although I imagine they might be hurt to be dropped for such reasons.

Also - six bridesmaids!!!???

Just to echo a lot of the other posters here: I fully get that it must have been so exciting for the bride to plan this adventure at the Jubilee party and a real disappointment when three people later said they couldn't do it, but it doesn't mean that you can't have an amazing time doing something a bit more low key, and it doesn't mean they don't care about you or your wedding.
Destination weddings/Hens/Stags are a massive commitment and for a lot of people, they just aren't realistic. There is no malice involved, it just stretches people too far.
A friend of mine insisted on an Ibiza hen do and we were all quite young and she was the first to get married in our group so we went with it, but it was a bit of a disaster to be honest. It immediately upset the two girls in our group who had babies because they felt excluded. The budget kept creeping up and caused resentment between those who could afford it and those who couldn't really stretch to much more. The pressure to have The Best Time Ever was immense and the trip couldn't really live up to the hype. Even the bride eventually admitted that although it had been good, it would have been better to just have a massive girls night out and not made such a big deal of her hen.
I did a big night out for my Hen and it was great! The girls treated me to dinner so I bought a few bottles of prosecco at our first pub stop, we had a pole dancing class and cocktail making ... just classic, girly, Hen stuff! It was low key, and maybe you could go a bit more extra if you're all feeling it, but fun should be the ultimate aim and it is only fun if no one is worried, stressed, or resentful!

Getting married shouldn’t end up costing your guests loads of money and your hen do certainly shouldn’t!! I’d be pissed off if I was invited on one of these ridiculous overseas hen dos TBH. It’s a big ask expecting people to fork out lots of money on something that is essentially for the bride. Also do any of the bridesmaids have kids? I’d not want to leave my DC for a weekend for a glorified piss up!!

EXACTLY. No-one forced you to make them bridesmaid. FFS. I can't stand bridezillas like you- all ME, ME, ME, ME, ME. This entire industry of celebrating the bride's every fart is tedious. It's a wedding- a celebration you invite people to because you want them there- not an entire 1/2/3 years of tip-toeing around a bride.

My niece recently got engaged and her best friend suggested not in 2023 as it was HER 30th! WTAF?!!

I have a young colleague who has 8 weddings this year AND 8 hens. She is going to every one, some hens and weddings abroad, some she is bridesmaid and organising everything. Her choice, but it wouldn't be me. Each one seems to be mainly for the Insta opportunities: the ring/ dress shopping/ flower shopping/ shoe shopping/ bridesmaid shopping/ hair trial/ make up trial/ hen countdown/ countless hen posts/ wedding build up/ before the actual, bloody wedding.

She is just lovely and is being a good friend, but it must drive her fucking bonkers.

Get your friend to wind her neck in OP.

(I don't want to give the exact amount as I'm sending this to the bride)

Are the bridesmaids also paying for the bride then? Is that why you can’t go ahead with just the bridesmaids who are still in, because the cost per person will go up?

I think it might be better to reassess the plans - would the bride prefer a less extravagant do that more people can attend, or a more extravagant one with fewer attendees?

Also....can we hear more about the Facebook page?! Does the hen do have a Facebook page? (I may be mistaken, I have form for being mistaken....)

When is it?
And did they all pull out at a similar time?

I personally wouldn’t pay to go to a hen do or wedding abroad but I also wouldn’t say I would go and then pull out.

I get that sometimes you get caught up in the moment especially if you’ve been drinking and then reality hits but it doesn’t sound like that has happened here.

I think 3 pulling out is too much of a coincidence.
Is the bride adding more and more things and they think she’s taking the mick?
Has she been difficult over dresses or anything?

I think when you choose to have a wedding or hen do abroad you also choose to exclude some friends and family members so she should have expected not everyone to be able to come.
But i’d be annoyed if they had said yes and are now pulling out.
I wouldn’t demote them for it or anything as they could all have genuine reasons.

You've planned something waay OTT if you think that the only reason that someone might refuse is because of cost. Using up annual leave, organising childcare, or they may have private expenses you know nothing about - IVF for example, or money difficulties.

Our wedding is in two weeks, everything paid for, and savings depleted and OH is facing job loss. If that happens we are fucked. Nobody knows because until we know what's going on, nobody else will either. But it means we aren't committing to anything else and are planning to severely tighten our belts in the next 6 months to see us through and rebuild our savings if we can.

When SIL had her hen thankfully it was budget and local because I was paying thousands for fertility treatment - and again, we told nobody.

My hen was in the nearest city. Everyone had input into what accommodation /restaurant suited everyone's budget and it was close enough to everyone's home so there were no travel costs.

By all means have the hen you want. But don't get offend when people can't attend it. And don't tell people it can double as their annual holiday - I get really cross when someone says that about a hen or a wedding. My holiday allowance is precious and I use most of it to spend time with my partner and child, in a location we choose, at a time that suits us, doing things we like to do. I wouldn't swap that for any Hen.

Ohhhhhhh, I hadn’t thought of this. If everyone else is paying for the bride UABVVVVU.

I think you need to get together again and rediscuss what's feasible for everyone. And the bride needs to weigh up what is most important to her. If it's the holiday abroad then she needs to accept that some won't be there. If its to celebrate with all 6 then she needs to accept that needs to be on a less expensive basis.

You do realise that a 'hen' is not a legal requirement? Concentrate on the marriage and celebration. Why is that not enough?

Somewhere, far away, in a parallel universe, there is an evil twin Mumsnet with a sideline in betting. Every wedding thread spawns odds on everything from when bridezilla will emerge to number of friends lost to length of eventual marriage.

One of my bridesmaids ended up not coming to the wedding at all. I didn't mind her not coming to the hen do, but I did mind her meaning to text her sister (about me) and "accidentally" texting it to me instead. It was not flattering. My attitude was, you don't have to be with my physically, but you do need to be on board emotionally speaking.

Bridezilla alert!

the bride has two choices:

she either organises a decent hen party locally and low cost given the cost of living crisis

or

she presses ahead with the trip abroad with those that are left. Simple.

The bride will look like an utter duck ‘demoting’ her friends because they can’t afford her extravagant plans, and she will lose her closest friends as it is doubtful they will see her in a good light after that! Personally she should be graceful and thank them for their honesty, and decide what’s more to important to her. A hen with or without her friends.

I imagine in years to come she will be mortified by her behaviour

You have no right at all to be annoyed!

They can spend their money how they like, when they like, if they like!

Hen sorties have got ridiculous.

Dick even!! 😄😄😄

Given the costs in life rising can the abroad idea, do one event locally and enjoy having everyone there

Bloody hell, hen dos abroad.

They might have loved the idea but realised looking at it realistically that it's not going to be possible in view of the cost of living rising massively.

Why has everything turned into a big thing with going away for multiple nights?

I had my hen do last year. It was a night out locally, wine tasting, a meal and pubs. Even that cost enough.

Demote bmaids?

Does she actually like the women she has asked?

Would she rather the hen do she wants or rather all her bmaids be at her hen do?