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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not contribute to maternity leave gift

177 replies

Stickystitch · 27/06/2022 23:08

I've been in my job for just over 2 months and my manager is leaving in a few weeks to have a baby. It's been announced today that there will be a collection for her gift and to send money via PayPal pot or Monzo (it will be known who has contributed and who hasn't).

My work is remote - I've only met my manager in person once at a company team day, I don't know her at all, she never talks to me apart from half an hour every fortnight where she just dryly goes through the motions of a one to one - in my opinion she had checked out of her job ages ago as she knew she was going on leave. She's not really made any effort with me at all, asks me to do HR admin things that are really her job, and hasn't even done half of my onboarding which has made me look bad in meetings when I haven't known pretty basic parts of the job. Haven't had a great first impression.

I still have to contribute some money to the collection don't I, or I'll look bad? How much? I'm broke and really can't be bothered. Am I bad person?

OP posts:
nbrown2022x · 28/06/2022 11:20

@GCRich true! I just meant at this point in time, it is her boss and she is leaving. She's communicated and met her boss. So a £5 at this stage wouldn't do any harm x

fruitbrewhaha · 28/06/2022 11:23

Don't if you don't want to.

Oceanus · 28/06/2022 11:27

You have to do it, sorry, you have to, because people can be petty as f*ck! If the list of people who donate is public, chances are it'll end up on her hands. There's always sb trying to please the boss to get some leverage and that person will make sure she gets that list!
5 years from now, if she has to decide between you and sb else, she'll remember you. You'll be one who didn't like her enough to help buy a gift to her dear dear child. Maybe she's not petty but maybe she is. Having a child is a life-changing event! Chances are she'll remember so don't risk it.

Meraas · 28/06/2022 11:29

Oceanus · 28/06/2022 11:27

You have to do it, sorry, you have to, because people can be petty as f*ck! If the list of people who donate is public, chances are it'll end up on her hands. There's always sb trying to please the boss to get some leverage and that person will make sure she gets that list!
5 years from now, if she has to decide between you and sb else, she'll remember you. You'll be one who didn't like her enough to help buy a gift to her dear dear child. Maybe she's not petty but maybe she is. Having a child is a life-changing event! Chances are she'll remember so don't risk it.

Jesus. That post is a lesson in paranoia.

I would eat my hat if 1/100 of what you said actually happens Oceanus.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 28/06/2022 11:32

Don't contribute. Set the precedent now and you don't have to do any in the future either. There is nothing at all wrong with not contributing to these things especially 2 months through the door.

Sallypally0 · 28/06/2022 11:35

You do not have to contribute or explain why you have decided not to.

I very rarely contrinute and zero fucks are given.

Oceanus · 28/06/2022 11:39

Meeras you've been living a sheltered life in Utopialand having met only nice people. I've seen a boss take important documents from a guy who'd given his notice as he'd found sth better, when the time came for a meeting all his papers were gone and he was treated like an idiot. She treated him like crap for weeks before he left just because he was her pet and had the nerve to leave her.
One would think that would be the only event, but really it wasn't, I've got plenty more, envolving different people.
Is the boss likely to be a btch? Well, she doesn't give a fck about a new staff member, maybe it's a sign, maybe it isn't. Have you read this thread about this lady being put through the motions by a boss who accused of sth but didn't even say what it was? Have a read, it's long though, because it's almost a year old and it's still ongoing. 5 quids is a cup of coffee.

Oceanus · 28/06/2022 11:39

5 *quid

DenholmElliot1 · 28/06/2022 11:41

Just put a pound in if you're broke.

BellePeppa · 28/06/2022 11:42

As another poster said, it all depends how much it matters to you what other people think. Personally I wouldn’t bother but that’s because I gave up being a people pleaser.

Dirtylittleroses · 28/06/2022 11:49

The thing is if you’re already looking bad, this isn’t really going to enhance it, is it? Personally I would unless I really couldn’t afford it.

SushiShopSearch · 28/06/2022 11:51

You'd be being hypocritical if you contributed. Doesn't sound like you have anything in common with your manager. Don't do it.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/06/2022 11:52

SummerL0ving · 28/06/2022 11:09

I would put £5 in still if I was you. She's still your manager and it's good to take part in team things like this.

For some people it's just work. I'd rather have a coffee with husband for a fiver instead. Does more good to me than being part of the team at work. I contributed to so many occasions and I don't even keep in touch with these people.

riesenrad · 28/06/2022 12:01

there will be a collection for her gift and to send money via PayPal pot or Monzo (it will be known who has contributed and who hasn't

is it really public? When I contributed I sent some money to a colleague's account, so the only person who knows that I contributed and how much is her.

rookiemere · 28/06/2022 12:07

@riesenrad yes I wondered about that. When I organised collections the only person who knew how much people had put in was me.
I certainly didn't alter how I treated them professionally based on the contribution amounts.

FixitJesus · 28/06/2022 12:09

I wouldn't bother.

I've only been at my job two months as well, and haven't put anything in the leaving collections we've had because I hardly knew them!

rookiemere · 28/06/2022 12:09

Also a bit surprised at the "just bung in a fiver" comments.
DH and I are both decent earners but like everyone else, our salary rises cannot keep up with inflation, therefore like many people we're watching our discretionary spend very closely.
I'd rather put in £10 for a colleague I knew and liked than put in anything at all for someone I'm not close to and/or don't really like.

rainbowmilk · 28/06/2022 12:11

@rookiemere Agree. I gave an example a couple of pages ago of how “bung in a fiver” can end up costing a fortune, as 15 people went on mat leave in my dept last year!

HairyDad · 28/06/2022 12:14

Don't listen to anyone else; do what you want to do. No-one is forced to put money in. Decent folk will think nothing of it if you decline. Those who judge are just "those" types of people who are not worth your time. I didn't even put in for my ex manager, even though I'd worked for her for 10 years. I didn't sign the card, or dial in to the Zoom goodbye meeting, or put any money in. Because she was horrible, vindictive, and never paid into the tea money even though she earned 4x as much as everyone else!

ExcaliburBaby · 28/06/2022 12:30

ShirleyPhallus · 28/06/2022 07:49

This is both more expensive and more hassle than actually just sticking a fiver in the online pot!

Show quote history

More hassle maybe, doesn’t have to be more expensive! Lots of cards for 50p and £2 box of chocs

Squareflair · 28/06/2022 12:35

Nah, if anyone brings it up it'll make them look ridiculous and petty, so let them I'm sure they won't though. No issue with not contributing, you're new as well so don't know her very well.

mam0918 · 28/06/2022 12:39

I refuse to do these things on principle anymore... I am perfectly capable of buying my own gift for someone if I think they are deserving of one.

Also they along with secret santa etc... are always a popularity game, us less well known members always get shafted (back when I use to take part I had 2 major surgeries + a child in the time there and never got so much as a card off anyone and every secret santa I sat around while the popular clique opened their gifts squeeling at the multiple clearly over the budget gifts they got each other and I was lucky to get anything dispite taking part every year and picking thoughtful gifts).

Dont even get me started on the school mam ones which are basically just a shake down.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/06/2022 12:55

rookiemere · 28/06/2022 12:09

Also a bit surprised at the "just bung in a fiver" comments.
DH and I are both decent earners but like everyone else, our salary rises cannot keep up with inflation, therefore like many people we're watching our discretionary spend very closely.
I'd rather put in £10 for a colleague I knew and liked than put in anything at all for someone I'm not close to and/or don't really like.

I agree. My salary doesn't rise to meet inflation. I don't even think of £5 as "just a fiver". People have to cover rising nursery fees, gas bills, petrol prices etc. There are way more important things than maternity leave gift of someone I barely know.

ShirleyPhallus · 28/06/2022 12:58

ExcaliburBaby · 28/06/2022 12:30

More hassle maybe, doesn’t have to be more expensive! Lots of cards for 50p and £2 box of chocs

Show quote history

Her job is remote and she’s only met the manager once, so add in the postal cost too - it is more expensive!

megz1996 · 28/06/2022 13:22

if you don’t really know her then I don’t think you should be expected to contribute