To think your life and achievements are treated as 'lesser than' when you don't have kids?

[josil]

It's true - can we accept and acknowledge these disgusting subliminal societal messages that MOST of us put out there.

Something very important to me is going on right now - one of the most important things my life for a while, but noone seems interested.

Unless it's a child's birthday or the birth of a child it appears...no one cares once you get to a certain age. Is this it forever? Unless my life is about a child noone will care?

I've had ENOUGH of feeling lesser than, because I decided not to procreate (or can't)

People need to really be much kinder and more sensitive to people that don't have kids whether it's choice or circumstance.

Parents, please stop being dicks to non parents and treating them like they're not as important as you. It sucks.

[redwaterbottle]

I think most peoples lives are boring to other people unless it benefits them. So if my friends get a promotion, we all say 'congrats' and buy them a drink next time were out. If dh gets a promotion I'm delighted, not just for him but because it will benefit our family (mostly financially). I would get him a card, cooking him a nice meal, open wine bubbly. Same with pregnancy news, unless it's a close friend/ family member I don't really care (beyond being happy for them of course). unless I am going to be part of that child's life, it makes no difference to me.

I've achieved things in life (education/ career related), but there's never been a fuss made. People who matter I know they're proud of me. Beyond that I don't expect anything.

When I was pregnant and then had dc I was the first one of my friend group. Nobody really cared, beyond the passing comment. When my friends all had dc around the same time a few years later the WhatsApp was filled with dc pictures and stories- because it was a mutual interest now beyond one person.

[MsTSwift]

Also you don’t really understand other peoples work stuff. A few of my friends are in a particular industry I know nothing about. When one gets a job as <insert random job title> it means nothing to me - happy for them but I don’t really understand what the achievement means.

[rainbowmilk]

I do see where the OP is coming from.

At work, we have a network that ostensibly represents and promotes womens’ issues. It’s become so fixated on maternity issues at the expense of everything else (menopause, female carers, period illness policy etc etc etc) that a second informal network has had to be set up (by mainly childless women) to actually discuss these. Woman is absolutely synonymous with mother in many ways, and it’s very hard to see that if you’ve become a mother.

[CounsellorTroi]

A carers network was set up at my work, I joined as I was caring for my elderly mother, but it was dominated by childcare issues and was basically a parents’ network.

[Tabbouleh]

Menopause isn't a maternity issue?

[CounsellorTroi]

@Tabbouleh

Menopause isn't a maternity issue?

No it isn’t’t that’s the point.

[Tabbouleh]

I was referring to @rainbowmilk 's post which I may not have understood.

I think OP has got something else going on though.

[rainbowmilk]

@Tabbouleh

I was referring to @rainbowmilk 's post which I may not have understood.

I think OP has got something else going on though.

No, it isn’t - but it is a womens issue, and therefore falls within the scope of the womens network. Unfortunately the womens network was only interested in discussing and lobbying for maternity issues, and so now a second network has had to evolve, which is silly and really inefficient.

[rainbowmilk]

@CounsellorTroi

A carers network was set up at my work, I joined as I was caring for my elderly mother, but it was dominated by childcare issues and was basically a parents’ network.

The same thing happened at my workplace with the carers network. Those caring for adults have now come into the second womens network. It’s ridiculous that this has to happen, but here we are. I’m sorry to hear of your experience - it must be very difficult.

[BiasedBinding]

@YouAreNotBatman

YANBU, at all.

I wonder if most here are parent’s, so they really don’t see it / care about it.

So many women have also disappeared in a selfish me and my kid bubble.
It really sucks.

I’m sorry you’ve had that experience.

in the same way, maybe you don’t really see / care about how women’s achievements are ignored when they do have children. That really sucks too

[Stompythedinosaur]

I don't think anyone cares about parent's life events either, they care about children's life events.

[Choopi]

Why don't you just tell people that you want a fuss? Most adults don't really want fuss equivalent to a childs birthday party when they achieve something. Parents organise their own children's birthday parties and actively create that fuss for their children so that they feel special, these things don't just happen. Create a fuss if you want one but blaming parents because they create a fuss for their own children but not for you seems a bit pathetic.

[Stompythedinosaur]

I don't love the inference in the op that a child's birthday is somehow a parent's life event. It is like, when you become a parent, your individuality somehow seems invisible.

The reality is that adults generally don't get a massive fuss made of their birthdays, bit if you want one, maybe pair up with a relative and agree to make a fuss for each other?

[Choopi]

I've just been thinking about this while hoovering and I think really when I'm proud of something or have a big win like best month of sales etc then it's dh and the kids that I celebrate with, we cheer each other on. Dh gets a promotion we go out for dinner, ds does well on exams we go bowling etc. We don't look to people outside of our immediate family to validate or celebrate or wins because we have each other. So I fuss over my family but it wouldn't occur to me to put the same level of effort into fussing over anyone else, I suppose because I would assume that they have their own people to celebrate their wins with?

It's sad that you don't have that but maybe instead of getting angry try and put that energy into finding those people that do care as much about your wins as you do?

[Imaginary]

I think people generally don't care much about achievements of others, unless it somehow benefits them.

So it if makes you feel any better, no one really cares about someone's child's birthday either 😃

[josil]

Sorry I haven't really commented since my OP so I want to set some things straight to fully explain;

I don't want to say too much because outing but I wasn't asking for people to be congratulatory - I was hosting something in celebration of something important to me and a friend has told me she may not be able to attend as she will be putting her son to bed.

Now, as ppl pointed out no one cares about kids birthdays I'm sure but you still turn up right? You don't make the excuse of washing your hair for example? Or something else utterly ridiculous

It's about being there for people even if you don't want to be. That's the point I'm making

[josil]

Also I don't want a fuss, please be clear as some posters pointed out. Purely just would like people to put effort in like I do with kids birthdays - when I could think of plenty of other things to do with my time I still turn it because it's important to THEM

[josil]

@rainbowmilk absolutely agree with your post.

[josil]

@Olinguita

OP, I totally see where you are coming from. I had DC1 in my late 30s and I often felt that my achievements or life events were "less than" among certain friends and family in the days before I became a mum. I am very mindful now to make sure that I celebrate the achievements and milestones of friends and relatives without kids and to make sure they know I take their problems and challenges in life seriously. Being a woman without kids in your 30s and beyond can feel like a bit of a societal no-man's land. Solidarity.

@Olinguita thank you exactly everything you said in your post thank you for understanding

[ShirleyPhallus]

@josil

Sorry I haven't really commented since my OP so I want to set some things straight to fully explain;

I don't want to say too much because outing but I wasn't asking for people to be congratulatory - I was hosting something in celebration of something important to me and a friend has told me she may not be able to attend as she will be putting her son to bed.

Now, as ppl pointed out no one cares about kids birthdays I'm sure but you still turn up right? You don't make the excuse of washing your hair for example? Or something else utterly ridiculous

It's about being there for people even if you don't want to be. That's the point I'm making

This sounds like proper sour grapes tbh, anyone can decline anything for any reason they want.

It's about being there for people even if you don't want to be

this literally sums up parenthood. You don’t get to pick and choose the bits you’re there for, it’s all encompassing and sometimes you have to miss out on social plans for boring reasons such as looking after your own child

[doyouwantachuffedybadge]

@josil

Sorry I haven't really commented since my OP so I want to set some things straight to fully explain;

I don't want to say too much because outing but I wasn't asking for people to be congratulatory - I was hosting something in celebration of something important to me and a friend has told me she may not be able to attend as she will be putting her son to bed.

Now, as ppl pointed out no one cares about kids birthdays I'm sure but you still turn up right? You don't make the excuse of washing your hair for example? Or something else utterly ridiculous

It's about being there for people even if you don't want to be. That's the point I'm making

But kids' parties aren't held at a time when people are putting their kids to bed. If people have kids and no childcare then how can they attend an event or celebration? If you want your friends with kids to celebrate in person then hold a celebration that is inclusive or accept that some parents wont be able to attend.

[doyouwantachuffedybadge]

And you must be taking the piss by comparing putting a child to bed to washing your hair.

[josil]

@YouAreNotBatman

YANBU, at all.

I wonder if most here are parent’s, so they really don’t see it / care about it.

So many women have also disappeared in a selfish me and my kid bubble.
It really sucks.

This. Absolutely this.

[josil]

Oh hear we go, yes washing your hair is the equivalent to excuse of putting a child to bed. My friend is not a single parent and has a partner more hands on than she is. Also, it is for families so is it really going to hurt for a child to be home by early evening.

Sorry but it's BS, I'm not buying it - not even from parents.

[josil]

Can I also pop by out the child is 5, not a baby so I find it ridiculous this is an excuse