To think your life and achievements are treated as 'lesser than' when you don't have kids?

[josil]

It's true - can we accept and acknowledge these disgusting subliminal societal messages that MOST of us put out there.

Something very important to me is going on right now - one of the most important things my life for a while, but noone seems interested.

Unless it's a child's birthday or the birth of a child it appears...no one cares once you get to a certain age. Is this it forever? Unless my life is about a child noone will care?

I've had ENOUGH of feeling lesser than, because I decided not to procreate (or can't)

People need to really be much kinder and more sensitive to people that don't have kids whether it's choice or circumstance.

Parents, please stop being dicks to non parents and treating them like they're not as important as you. It sucks.

I’ve had this with a friend, where she felt no one was interested in her life and didn’t make much of an effort with her because they were so busy with their children. We had a very honest conversation where she realised she hadn’t been interested in other people’s lives as some (definitely not all) had been about the children she wasn’t interested in, friends backed off so she backed off. We’re now making a more conscious effort but it’s also hard being really good frowns with someone who has only bothered to meet your 10 year old twice in their life and has no plans to make an effort soon.

I have a chronically ill DD and have lost all my friends because obviously no one needs to listen to that shit for years on end. So there's that too. I just bottle it up now.

OP you may want to check out Gateway Women by Jody Day. It is a group for childfree women.

What an odd thread. When a woman is chairing a meeting, or being interviewed in her area of expertise in a documentary, or performing on stage, or accepting an award, or winning a sporting event... I never, like never, wonder if she has kids. I'm just thinking about what she has said, or accomplished, or won, or attempted.

Many of my friends do not have children. We go for drinks and congratulations when something great happens for them.

OP how much do you recognise the achievements of your friends who have children? Or do you forget that women who have had children can have other things going on, just like everyone else?

Somethings happened to upset you OP, what is it?

Personally I feel getting through the pandemic in one piece - (relatively speaking) - still functioning as a human being (relatively speaking) - getting out of bed - not succumbing to a major depression/being carted off to a psychiatric ward/suffering from massive burnout/loneliness/parental burnout/some other kind of burnout is an achievement in itself single/with child/without child...

Sorry to hear you have had such a rough time Tabbouleh. Keep posting.

I think we have the same mum 😂

You need different people to associate with, and also potentially to stop being so needy. We all have our own lives, we can't fall at your feet just because you have an event going on in your life.

Are people (bar possibly your parents) hugely excited about another adults work achievements though? We cheerlead and encourage young people but once an adult you do things for your own benefit and satisfaction and financial benefit. It’s a different type of thing.

Impossible without more information to know what you are getting at. Mostly we give more attention to children because they are not adult enough to cope without constant reassurance. It sounds like you want to stay in that bracket. Personally I DONT find people notice parents achievements and struggles that much but then why would they?

@metellaestinatrio In that case we're triplets

Me: Hi mum, I just did a 100k trail race and came third in the veterans.

Mum: You'll wreck your knees. Have you had the garage door fixed yet and that reminds me, DGD's blazer looks far too small.

🤣🤣 This is so true!

Mostly we give more attention to children because they are not adult enough to cope without constant reassurance. It sounds like you want to stay in that bracket.I

Interesting variation on “you don’t really grow up until you’ve had kids”.

Funnily enough there was a thread on here a week or so ago about how raising children isn’t valued or seen as an achievement in the way having a career is.

I actually think both things are true - I think all work done by women is undervalued. Child rearing is undervalued but women are also made to feel like failures if they don’t have children. They’re made to feel guilty if they have children and a career, and if they have children and no career.

No, I don't think this is true. If you hang around parents then yeah, focus will be child-driven. But if you don't then it'll be other stuff.

I don't know, I think our lives can be so focused on our kids we kind of lose sight of other stuff. A friend of mine had a baby after a tough time, absolutely thrilled for her. Another friend had a promotion, thrilled for her but isn't that kind of expected - that it would be the next step anyway?

YANBU, at all.

I wonder if most here are parent’s, so they really don’t see it / care about it.

So many women have also disappeared in a selfish me and my kid bubble.
It really sucks.

I’ve noticed the same thing about feminism.
It’s so disappointing.
To be reduced to having no value other than becoming a mother.
I find it so sexist. And dehumanising.
I don’t get it.

Most people’s jobs etc aren’t of much interest to people on the outside. I think not only groups of women, but also groups of men with young children, often default to chat about their little kids when they meet up. Assuming they are all parents, it’s a topic of common interest and often lighter and funnier than discussing the drudgery of work/colleagues/salary etc.

in more general terms, on social media etc, nobody really cares about others achievements/job role/promotion unless it’s something “objectively” spectacular. It just incites judgement/envy etc. Whereas a random picture of a cute kid/dog is always popular.

And to add to this, I would say it’s even worse if you don’t date.
If you have no interest in men, you’re practically treated like a criminal.

"Most people’s jobs etc aren’t of much interest to people on the outside"

I think this is the crux. Other's people's children are boring, but 99% of the time so are other people's jobs. A promotion merits a 'well-done' and perhaps even a celebratory drink, but I wouldn't expect people to talk at length about it.

but your kids do become your life, at least while they are little. They’re not a hobby or play thing that you can pick up and put down. They require complete dedication basically, the load is both mental and physical. Plus most mums work and only really see their kids on weekends, so yes friends take a bit of a back seat for a while.

What’s happened op?

OP, I totally see where you are coming from. I had DC1 in my late 30s and I often felt that my achievements or life events were "less than" among certain friends and family in the days before I became a mum. I am very mindful now to make sure that I celebrate the achievements and milestones of friends and relatives without kids and to make sure they know I take their problems and challenges in life seriously. Being a woman without kids in your 30s and beyond can feel like a bit of a societal no-man's land. Solidarity.