To think your life and achievements are treated as 'lesser than' when you don't have kids?

[josil]

It's true - can we accept and acknowledge these disgusting subliminal societal messages that MOST of us put out there.

Something very important to me is going on right now - one of the most important things my life for a while, but noone seems interested.

Unless it's a child's birthday or the birth of a child it appears...no one cares once you get to a certain age. Is this it forever? Unless my life is about a child noone will care?

I've had ENOUGH of feeling lesser than, because I decided not to procreate (or can't)

People need to really be much kinder and more sensitive to people that don't have kids whether it's choice or circumstance.

Parents, please stop being dicks to non parents and treating them like they're not as important as you. It sucks.

Jeeze maybe run a marathon OP? My friends who do that seem to bang on about it for years!

People are often more forthcoming in celebrating children's achievements rather than the achievements of adults though, yes. Adults aren't always seen to need the same validation.

This.

You sound naive about having children. It does become difficult to go to events. You have much less time. It’s not comparable to hair care. It’s not a choice unless you’re a neglectful parent and leave children alone in your house to go off partying with a friend. It’s just the reality of parenthood and not everyone can afford babysitters for social events.

Then she just doesn’t want to come to your self congratulatory event then 🤷‍♀️

Wait until your friends start using their dogs as an excuse - then you know they really don’t want to come

Parents have to put their kids to bed. It's not like washing your hair
Which can be done whenever.

It sounds like you just have one friend who couldn't make it work to come to your celebration due to a child related thing and it's upset you, rather than all people with kids don't treat people without kids as equally important . Perhaps it was a childcare issue, or perhaps doing that was more important to her. Either way, it sounds like the issue is just with one person who you feel doesn't make the effort to celebrate with you, so perhaps talk to your friend - or realise she's maybe not such a good friend, get rid and move on? Are other friends attending?

Have a kid, then maybe you'll "get it"

5 is still very young, another 10 years and the balance may shift, but still the child would be the priority.

I thought the same as you, until I became a mother, nothing else comes first I'm afraid.

It doesn't take two people to put a child to. Bed

@Bluebirds1987 thank you for your balances post. A lot of the responses on here really just cement the point I was making.

A lot of parents make any excuse and just ditch their past lives and selves for their children - that's just the reality.

This true in my experience.

I have 2 kids under 3 and we still made it to our next door neighbours 40th birthday do, who we don't even know that well. I didn't even really want to go either, but it was important to my friend so we got a babysitter and went. I think if you give a shit, you make the effort. That being said, childcare isn't always straightforward or easy to organise, and many parents don't feel comfortable leaving their child or genuinely don't believe they'll settle without them, and that's still a valid excuse - but I'd always be honest about it. Is there a genuine reason your friend feels she needs to stay for bedtime? Have you asked her?

Even If I couldn't make it work with childcare I'd usually offer to celebrate some other way such as take the person out another time, or send a bottle of champers for the do instead. Friends can still be good friends with or without children. I do agree that I have much less time, energy, brain power etc for things other than my children at their age now, as they are so exhausting and require so much attention when they're tiny. But also my friends are my support network and if I don't make the effort I'll lose them. Due to this I have had to make some firm life decisions about who I choose to spend my precious free time with these days since it's so limited - I've cut a lot of the crap and now make sure I only spend time with true friends who reciprocate the friendship, treat me as they would wish to be treated themselves, and I enjoy spending time with.
The fact you struggle to fully understand why your friend feels she needs to stay home (as you're questioning the validity of her excuse) shows that maybe she's not really such a good friend in your life, maybe you're not one of hers either - and maybe you should just not let this get to you too much and celebrate with those people that you know for sure will be there and will be happy for you! Xxx

@josil You are pissed off at your friend for not prioritising you and used her child’s bedtime routine as an excuse.

Also, you are resentful of how your friends lives changed when they became parents and therefore changed the dynamics of the friendship with you.

So, now you feel justified in manipulating and twisting this into “They think they are more important/better than me just because they have kids.

Absolute rubbish.

I am talking as someone who’s friends and relatives (even younger relatives) all had children and I didn’t/couldn’t.

I didn’t become resentful, I just accepted that change is inevitable and of course their entire focus will be different now. Of course they want to put their own kids first. They would be negligent, shitty parents otherwise.

So, I adapted. I tried to have reasonable expectations and continued fulfilling my own life as a fully functioning adult.

I didn’t spit the dummy and post a poor me, my friend cares more about her own child than she cares about me, self pity on a parenting website.

Grow the fuck up.

Oh, and yeah I did become a mum later in life when most of my friends and families babies had grown up and were teenagers. I never felt during those childless years that I was less than people with kids. And now that I am a mum, I do understand what it’s like to be a parent so much more now than I ever did, I do have a new perspective. That doesn’t mean that I think I am a better person then what I was when I was childless nor do I suddenly think I am superior to anyone else whether they have children or not.

But damn right my child is going to come first and be my priority and I don’t give a shit what some insecure or jealous person thinks of that.

I think you are overreacting rather. I also think you should stop going to your friends's kids' birthday parties if you don't want to. Birthday parties are very boring and I don't think you will be greatly missed.

When you are a child, people are happy to do things like give you birthday presents, celebrate wins at the spelling bee or sports, and interact with you in a child centered way.

As an adult, more often they expect that you will be self-motivated and not want those things in the same way. Though people do have parties and rewards sometimes for promotions, major life events like weddings, volunteer appreciation events, and so on.

And the fact is, for most people family stuff, which is about relationships, is more important than work. I can have a relationship with your child which is rewarding in itself, your job is nothing to do with me.

And you have no idea what is going on with the bedtime. It's not always as simple as putting it off on the other parent. The situation can be very different in different families. If the dad is usually the more hands on parent, maybe he needs a break by that hour. Or maybe he has plans that night. Or maybe her child misses her in the day and values that time, and her child comes before validating a grown woman.

DD went through a separation anxiety phase around this age and only wanted me at bedtimes. She grew out of it later.
If other friends are coming, your rage seems misplaced.

YABU for generalising. Your thread title should have been:

To think my life and achievements are treated as 'lesser than' because I don't have kids?

No-one but no-one is thinking about you in that way. Or probably at all, to be blunt. Many people get really bound up in their children and may or may not change as time goes by.

But your friend isn’t not interested in coming to your celebratory event because you don’t have kids is she? I really don’t get your reasoning here. 🤔

Absolutely this!!

You're feeling like your achievements aren't recognised because one of your friends can't come because she's sticking to her child's bedtime rather than keeping them up late?

Hyperbole much?

Is it because maybe those that work and have young kids are incredibly busy and juggling life? I think when my DC were young I was just consumed with family stuff I wasn't always on the ball with what was happening in other peoples lives. Really I was just existing and trying to hold it together working and surviving on little sleep.

This particular friend does not value your event as much as you think she should. Bedtime may just be an excuse (akin to washing my hair), or it may be a complete nightmare and she genuinely can't make it. You need to accept that - she doesn't have to prioritize what you want over what she wants. Have you told her how important it is to you? Have you offered flexibility etc if she's saying she can't make it at a particular time. Maybe ultimately she's not as good a friend as you think she is.

If you don't want to go to kids' birthdays don't! 1st birthdays tend to be a party for adults, but other than that I'd never expect a friend to attend unless they had kids who would enjoy the party. For me anyway I'd only be inviting you because I didn't want you to think I was excluding you because you don't have kids. Gawd I don't even want other parents there past about age 5!

I resent the idea that celebrating my child's birthday is somehow celebrating my achievement! As others have said I don't celebrate my own achievements or birthdays outside of my extremely close circle (effectively DH only) because I hate the idea of fuss and the focus on me (and worry no one will turn up!). I can see that it must be hard if you don't have that tight circle - basically your friends may be more important to you than you are to them.

The thing going on may be very important to you, but how much interest do you honestly expect your friends to show? Do you want to be the only topic of conversation? Do you expect regular congratulatory phone calls and/or cards?
As with some women who act like they are the first mothers on earth, you may need to realise that it isn't all about you and everyone considers their own existence more important than yours.

A lot of parents make any excuse and just ditch their past lives and selves for their children - that's just the reality

I think your way of putting this is wrong but yes generally when you become a parent you do change your life to put the child's needs first.