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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To teach my 12 year old how to count calories as well as teaching what a balanced meal means

131 replies

Wills · 27/06/2022 20:00

Firstly to those mums who want to shout before reading what I’m saying please note I’ll ignore your posts. I wouldn’t post on an AIBU unless I was really worried what I feel I’m about to do and hope that between me, and Mumsnetters that don’t shout, that there is an alternative out there and am hoping some Mumsnetter/s have solutions I don’t have.

My DD (aged 12) is the youngest of 4. All of us have struggled with weight (including myself and my mother) but I have made it ONE of my mothering focus points (amongst other things) to teach my children what a balanced and healthy diet looks like. All my kids have struggled with their weight but with guidance have sort of come round. Once they’re post 18 I feel its their decision to be who they want to be, but (and sometimes this is unasked of) try to guide their decisions to healthy eating - my point being that its fine for them to be ‘large’ but I always stress a balanced diet and healthy exercise routine.

However, in the last year DD3 (4th child) has gone from an age 12/13 age child clothes to an adult size 14 and in certain skinnier shops 16. All my normal coping strategies have failed. She’s like a heat seeking missile for sugar. I rarely buy biscuits/sweets/cake (for 2 years now) and before she was born, given my other children’s fight with weight have given up my love of baking. So there are no typical biscuits/sweets etc as a norm in the house (which my other kids complain about - but what do I do? If I bring in anything sugary she finds it - including under my bed (HOW - does she have a sugar sensitive nose FFS). Sorry about the swearing but I do feel she’s exceptional.

So just over a year ago she had a wonderful bonding experience with her granny (Their grandad is dying with dementia - to be blunt I didn’t think he’d still be alive when I last saw him at Xmas/Easter). They put together a raspberry crumble including oats. As ‘treats’ come this seemed like something that was wonderful for her to learn.

Fast forward - so I have stopped buying ‘snacks’, biscuits, puddings - in fact anything that might represent a treat (feel like the grinch). But DD3 is really intelligent/clever! For the last 9 months I daren’t have sugar or flour and butter in the house! If I do she gets up at 5.00am in the morning and puts together a crumble mix that would feed (with fruit) four people and then eats it for breakfast. I’ve stopped buying sugar and flour, which was fine when 2 of my kids where at Uni, but they’ve come home and bought the stuff themselves and get upset when its gone in the morning.

I try to punish but 3 out of 4 of my kids are autistic spectrum. My youngest is not. I can see the elements of spectrum that she shows but I do believe most of her behaviour is learnt.

So… Please help me. I’m very aware that just being aware of calories is shortsighted. So just teaching her to calorie count is crap, but if coupled with an emphasis on what represent’s a balanced diet - what else can I do.

To give an example…. She ate 3 full fat sesame bagels for breakfast. How do I tell her this is unreasonable without her screeching at me that I’m calling her fat.

Hope you see my difficulties.

REally really need some guidance as have run out of ideas!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wills · 29/06/2022 23:23

So many of you have been fantastic. Yes some have tried to make themselves feel like better mothers by critiquing my concerns but, thankfully, the bulk of you have been so incredibly thoughtful.

I met an adult with diagnosed ADHD a few years back and found her incredibly similar to me so possible that’s a route to look at - and I shall certainly look at how to placate any Dopamine seeking tendencies in both DD3 and, for that matter, myself. I’m just a little worried that this offers the possibility of a ‘magic pill’. For years my mum would send off for sliming pills that would magically turn her into Twiggy. My mother’s struggles with weight did indeed rule my life and its been interesting that many of you have picked up on this. My own weight loss was hard fought for and grounded in health concerns for my BF now DH. I thought I’d lose him and the only thing I could do was ensure we ate well. Healthy eating became an obsession for me.

However I think you’re right. In my desperation to not have ‘weight’ rule the house, along with what I learnt trying to eat healthily for my partner I’ve ended up doing the exact opposite to our kids of what I set out to do. Yes my life was ruled by my mother’s weight, her ideal being Twiggy. She’d cancel holidays, we never went swimming, she wouldn’t attend other events etc. Long story short I really thought I was protecting my kids from this whereas all I’ve done is perpetuate it (thank you for helping me see this - bugger off nasty mums!). For the record, for any who come across me in other threads…. My relationship with my mother is extremely fraught. She’s an extraordinarily needy person and I was taught, from an early age, that either her word was everything or I’d be shunned from the family unit. I only say this in case there are other times when you come across me posting. For the record I’ve gone NC more than once, but its not relevant to this post - so sorry for the side track.

For those that suggest I should demonstrate a good way of eating - that’s EXACTLY what I’ve done! Of that I’m really proud, but I’m very open to other helpful/kind criticisms and can see where I’ve gone wrong, but I assure you that I know how to put together a bloody healthy diet. My eldest two, despite giving me hell whilst growing up, are gradually showing signs of knowing what to do in terms of a balanced diet. So I’m hopeful that DD3 will eventually find her way, I just want to protect her from the ‘fat’ taunts that senior school will probably/definitely entail.

I shall certainly investigate ADHD but until she’s a lot older the school is not going to entertain supporting looking for an autistic diagnosis. Trust me, with three having a diagnosis the system is set up to discourage and my gorgeous dd3 does not have anywhere near enough markers for the school to support me. We’re all, including dd3, somewhere on the ‘spectrum’ but the system is set up to discourage money being necessary to spend so ummm - that’s a dead end. Even if I openly celebrate this family’s non NT status and ALWAYS have done.

I’d never have thought of her binge eating and possibly this is something I need to investigate with her GP. It’s certainly worth additional thought. However others have come up with some ideas on how to teach her self control. The one that stood out enough that I’m going to try that first was the idea of a tuck box once a week. I bought her 7 days of chocolate bars and gave them to her yesterday, informing her that these were her treats and no more would be given until next Tuesday. Her older sister (why why why do they love dishing the dirt! - Before the Uber Mums jump on this I’ve NEVER rewarded any of them for throwing one of their siblings ‘under the bus’ - it’s our family phrase) informed me this evening, full of drama, ‘she ONLY has 3 chocolate bars left!!!!!!! (Have tried to demonstrate how it was delivered to me in shocked tones). She was taken aback when I said that that was amazing. I seriously thought she’d have munched through the lot on day one! That doesn’t mean this is the solution, but after 2 days I’m impressed.

So basically - sorry mumsnetters for the long update - but a massive thank you to those that sought to help me rather than critise.

As an after note. Mumsnet was set up to support mums, not critique them. I’ve been a mumsnetter almost from its conception and I’m really saddened by the number of mumsnetters who seek to confirm their own status as ‘good’ mums. About 2% of mums are ‘bad’ mums and they’re very unlikely to be on Mumsnet. If you don’t agree with what a mum is saying and have nothing constructive to say - say nothing. We women/mums have a tough enough time without other women/mums turning on us! If you want to critique another mum without being able to deliver it in a gentle/loving way, then it reflects on you - not them. Either be helpful or shut up! Women/minorities don’t need this!!!!!!

OP posts:
beautyisthefaceisee · 30/06/2022 19:08

Wills · 29/06/2022 23:23

So many of you have been fantastic. Yes some have tried to make themselves feel like better mothers by critiquing my concerns but, thankfully, the bulk of you have been so incredibly thoughtful.

I met an adult with diagnosed ADHD a few years back and found her incredibly similar to me so possible that’s a route to look at - and I shall certainly look at how to placate any Dopamine seeking tendencies in both DD3 and, for that matter, myself. I’m just a little worried that this offers the possibility of a ‘magic pill’. For years my mum would send off for sliming pills that would magically turn her into Twiggy. My mother’s struggles with weight did indeed rule my life and its been interesting that many of you have picked up on this. My own weight loss was hard fought for and grounded in health concerns for my BF now DH. I thought I’d lose him and the only thing I could do was ensure we ate well. Healthy eating became an obsession for me.

However I think you’re right. In my desperation to not have ‘weight’ rule the house, along with what I learnt trying to eat healthily for my partner I’ve ended up doing the exact opposite to our kids of what I set out to do. Yes my life was ruled by my mother’s weight, her ideal being Twiggy. She’d cancel holidays, we never went swimming, she wouldn’t attend other events etc. Long story short I really thought I was protecting my kids from this whereas all I’ve done is perpetuate it (thank you for helping me see this - bugger off nasty mums!). For the record, for any who come across me in other threads…. My relationship with my mother is extremely fraught. She’s an extraordinarily needy person and I was taught, from an early age, that either her word was everything or I’d be shunned from the family unit. I only say this in case there are other times when you come across me posting. For the record I’ve gone NC more than once, but its not relevant to this post - so sorry for the side track.

For those that suggest I should demonstrate a good way of eating - that’s EXACTLY what I’ve done! Of that I’m really proud, but I’m very open to other helpful/kind criticisms and can see where I’ve gone wrong, but I assure you that I know how to put together a bloody healthy diet. My eldest two, despite giving me hell whilst growing up, are gradually showing signs of knowing what to do in terms of a balanced diet. So I’m hopeful that DD3 will eventually find her way, I just want to protect her from the ‘fat’ taunts that senior school will probably/definitely entail.

I shall certainly investigate ADHD but until she’s a lot older the school is not going to entertain supporting looking for an autistic diagnosis. Trust me, with three having a diagnosis the system is set up to discourage and my gorgeous dd3 does not have anywhere near enough markers for the school to support me. We’re all, including dd3, somewhere on the ‘spectrum’ but the system is set up to discourage money being necessary to spend so ummm - that’s a dead end. Even if I openly celebrate this family’s non NT status and ALWAYS have done.

I’d never have thought of her binge eating and possibly this is something I need to investigate with her GP. It’s certainly worth additional thought. However others have come up with some ideas on how to teach her self control. The one that stood out enough that I’m going to try that first was the idea of a tuck box once a week. I bought her 7 days of chocolate bars and gave them to her yesterday, informing her that these were her treats and no more would be given until next Tuesday. Her older sister (why why why do they love dishing the dirt! - Before the Uber Mums jump on this I’ve NEVER rewarded any of them for throwing one of their siblings ‘under the bus’ - it’s our family phrase) informed me this evening, full of drama, ‘she ONLY has 3 chocolate bars left!!!!!!! (Have tried to demonstrate how it was delivered to me in shocked tones). She was taken aback when I said that that was amazing. I seriously thought she’d have munched through the lot on day one! That doesn’t mean this is the solution, but after 2 days I’m impressed.

So basically - sorry mumsnetters for the long update - but a massive thank you to those that sought to help me rather than critise.

As an after note. Mumsnet was set up to support mums, not critique them. I’ve been a mumsnetter almost from its conception and I’m really saddened by the number of mumsnetters who seek to confirm their own status as ‘good’ mums. About 2% of mums are ‘bad’ mums and they’re very unlikely to be on Mumsnet. If you don’t agree with what a mum is saying and have nothing constructive to say - say nothing. We women/mums have a tough enough time without other women/mums turning on us! If you want to critique another mum without being able to deliver it in a gentle/loving way, then it reflects on you - not them. Either be helpful or shut up! Women/minorities don’t need this!!!!!!

You still have not addressed the potential of you having health anxiety though OP. Why?

DrumBoo · 30/06/2022 19:18

YABU.

Original poster
Wills · 30/06/2022 20:45

Sorry, should have said. I definitely show health anxiety, partly through my mum and partly through life experiences and I am already looking at how to address these. But the thread was about how to get my DD3 to eat healthily. I felt to go on too much about what I’m discovering about myself was simply too off track.

OP posts:
bakebeans · 30/06/2022 21:06

Can u not say no to her having 3 bagels? I would have removed two of them there and then.
as for the crumble mix? What about showing her some healthier versions such as homemade healthy granola which you could sweeten with honey or maple syrup rather than sugar.
may be trying bargaining efforts, such as if you are choosing to have that then you lose out on other things!

catflycat · 01/07/2022 07:13

You're still living with food rules and controlling what she eats - for example, did you ask her what she wanted, or did you pick these snacks for her? Please have a read up on intuitive eating, what you're doing is still very controlling and diety behaviour...

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