To teach my 12 year old how to count calories as well as teaching what a balanced meal means

[Wills]

Firstly to those mums who want to shout before reading what I’m saying please note I’ll ignore your posts. I wouldn’t post on an AIBU unless I was really worried what I feel I’m about to do and hope that between me, and Mumsnetters that don’t shout, that there is an alternative out there and am hoping some Mumsnetter/s have solutions I don’t have.

My DD (aged 12) is the youngest of 4. All of us have struggled with weight (including myself and my mother) but I have made it ONE of my mothering focus points (amongst other things) to teach my children what a balanced and healthy diet looks like. All my kids have struggled with their weight but with guidance have sort of come round. Once they’re post 18 I feel its their decision to be who they want to be, but (and sometimes this is unasked of) try to guide their decisions to healthy eating - my point being that its fine for them to be ‘large’ but I always stress a balanced diet and healthy exercise routine.

However, in the last year DD3 (4th child) has gone from an age 12/13 age child clothes to an adult size 14 and in certain skinnier shops 16. All my normal coping strategies have failed. She’s like a heat seeking missile for sugar. I rarely buy biscuits/sweets/cake (for 2 years now) and before she was born, given my other children’s fight with weight have given up my love of baking. So there are no typical biscuits/sweets etc as a norm in the house (which my other kids complain about - but what do I do? If I bring in anything sugary she finds it - including under my bed (HOW - does she have a sugar sensitive nose FFS). Sorry about the swearing but I do feel she’s exceptional.

So just over a year ago she had a wonderful bonding experience with her granny (Their grandad is dying with dementia - to be blunt I didn’t think he’d still be alive when I last saw him at Xmas/Easter). They put together a raspberry crumble including oats. As ‘treats’ come this seemed like something that was wonderful for her to learn.

Fast forward - so I have stopped buying ‘snacks’, biscuits, puddings - in fact anything that might represent a treat (feel like the grinch). But DD3 is really intelligent/clever! For the last 9 months I daren’t have sugar or flour and butter in the house! If I do she gets up at 5.00am in the morning and puts together a crumble mix that would feed (with fruit) four people and then eats it for breakfast. I’ve stopped buying sugar and flour, which was fine when 2 of my kids where at Uni, but they’ve come home and bought the stuff themselves and get upset when its gone in the morning.

I try to punish but 3 out of 4 of my kids are autistic spectrum. My youngest is not. I can see the elements of spectrum that she shows but I do believe most of her behaviour is learnt.

So… Please help me. I’m very aware that just being aware of calories is shortsighted. So just teaching her to calorie count is crap, but if coupled with an emphasis on what represent’s a balanced diet - what else can I do.

To give an example…. She ate 3 full fat sesame bagels for breakfast. How do I tell her this is unreasonable without her screeching at me that I’m calling her fat.

Hope you see my difficulties.

REally really need some guidance as have run out of ideas!

Honestly I’d be talking less about food and weight not more. I’d demonstrate eating 3 meals and not snacking/high calories in between. I’d cut out the sugar in the house but keep the butter.

I’d use as little processed foods as possible.
I’d encourage her to drink water for hydration.
I’d discourage her from sugar for tooth decay.
I’d stop calling high sugar foods a treat.
I’d encourage her to take vegetables for the iron / vitamins.

A treat is something expertly crafted, uncommon, exceptional fresh eg eating home grown sugar snap peas. Not a twix.

Have you thought about some counselling for both you and your daughter? It sounds like your daughter has disordered eating, it's so common for people to unintentionally pass their food issues on to their kids. You've mentioned loads of things e.g....

Your mum always dieting, your battles with weight..you sound like you've grown up dieting (like most of us!)

You describe food as 'healthy' or 'unhealthy ' and don't keep any 'unhealthy' food in the house. It's not unusual to crave things you're not allowed access to or that has been put on a pedestal. The more you restrict the more a person wants and craves those things. As evidence see what happens to most people who diet - they may lose weight initially, but it tends to all come back as most people can't sustain a ridiculously restrictive diet for the rest of their lives. Really it's all just food, food that offers different things out bodies need, and it's really important to learn to trust your own instincts about food, she needs to be able to go out into the world and trust her body about what she needs. I'm just not sure how you can learn that living in such a controlled environment.

You seem to be very concerned about your children being fat, is that just because you've struggled with your weight before? It sounds like you have an issue with larger bodies as you mentioned always thinking what bad parents parents of fat children are. .. You have clearly described fat as being very bad and thin as being the ultimate goal - do you think they could feel their value lies only in their body size?

It's really normal to gain weight and change shape during puberty. The bullying is so hard - I was always a little overweight, but actually hardly any bigger then my peers when I started to be bullied for it. I look back now and can't believe how poorly I felt about myself for years and years when I was fine, but guess what, starting dieting at age 10/11 and being told your body is wrong from even younger then that does not have good outcomes for avoiding disordered eating and having a normal relationship with food! For my kids I've prioritised them understanding that their value doesn't lie in how they look, providing a big variety of foods but not talking about foods as good/bad/treats etc. Making sure food is available to them and letting them control how much they eat. I won't say it's alway easy - my son seems to be able to eat so so much at the moment but he's growing and active and I believe he's hungry. I do sometimes ask him to slow down and check he definitely wants more - but he also does just enjoy food, and that's ok too. He enjoys a variety and we make sure to serve up all sort of different things for them to eat, he chooses what he wants to eat. ( I think this is called 'division of responsibility ').

Not calorie counting. You need to teach about normal portion size and consideration for others. One bagel for her breakfast, the rest are for other people in the house etc.

Shes very concerned about her children's health in general. They all have autism or ADHD, and (apologies if theres something im missing here) is convinced they are going to get cancer.

The rambling story about the crumble - what did OP actually do while the child sat there and ate 4 portions?

I think OP is the one who needs the concern here, not the child. (and I mean that kindly, OP).

PF, I liked my grandad's garden peas as much as the next guy, but you cannot be serious about that being the treat.

I say that as a child who was denied fast food and fizzy drinks, and the best friend of someone who wasnt allowed to drink until shed left home.

You can imagine how that went for both of us!

What does her therapist say?

Because if you're so worried about your child's health surely you've gotten her help for her disordered eating?

OP I really sympathise. The best and quickest ways people in my family lost a lot of weight and kept it off for life was through daily exercise. Running and swimming are the two that worked best, but I heard boxing was also super effective.

My mum was very overweight when I was a kid, but she started running in her 40's and the transformation was unbelievable. She is now in her mid-60's and a size 8 and super fit. She started with only 15-20 mins per day and upped it to an hour and a half at some point. It's something she and my dad do together and it's become part of their daily routine. My dad is nearly 70 but looks so young people think he's at least 20 years younger.

Swimming instead of running has also worked for me and many in my family and it's much better for the joints. But running you can do for free any time anywhere whereas swimming is more of a hassle.

Is this something you could do together for some mother/daughter time?

Eating healthy and having a healthy relationship with food doesn't mean counting calories.

The three bagel thing, what did she have on them, you've removed butter, is there a protein element there or is she just eating carbs?

ADHD is linked to dopamine seeking behaviour by overeating carbs for a hit just like any drug seeking behaviour. This is a big clue I think and restricting her access to certain foods become a game of control which at 12 is the perfect age to fight back. No judgment as I can see me having a similar issue with my DD (I now realise I was similar as a child) and it’s so hard to navigate when they can make & access food themselves. Learning to cook properly & education about food how it interacts in the body does help. Good luck as finding support is so hard.

Oh FFS

OP: "My child is not on the autistic spectrum, she has no signs of being on the autistic spectrum"

Posters: "I bet she's autistic"

🙄🙄🙄

A treat is something expertly crafted, uncommon, exceptional fresh eg eating home grown sugar snap peas. Not a twix

A treat is a twix, not sugar snap peas🤢

or @kittensinthekitchen
Oh FFS

OP: "My child is not on the autistic spectrum, she has no signs of being on the autistic spectrum"

Posters: "I bet she's autistic"

🙄🙄🙄

you found go back and read the OP

I try to punish but 3 out of 4 of my kids are autistic spectrum. My youngest is not. I can see the elements of spectrum that she shows but I do believe most of her behaviour is learnt.

*could

The other three are, OP herself in her posts shows signs and the child is behaving in a non NT way. Ifs hardly reaching.

I personally think OP has some form of health anxiety and has diagnosed her children with everything going but PP are not being unreasonable here.

I am teaching my 13 year old son to count calories because he has unfortunately inherited my binge eating tendencies and is gaining weight. He is clearly unhappy about gaining weight so we are proactively doing something about it now. Well done to you to educating her and helping her.

Given that you struggle yourself with overeating I believe it's learned behaviour in these situations.

By taking control of the family trying an overhaul of healthy foods might help, easier said than done once these things start.

Do NOT encourage a 12 year old to count calories. Calories does not equal health.

Please don't do this, it's so damaging.

Where are tou getting that aspartame is carcinogenic in humans from?

So calorie counting and quantity aside what sort of food is served up at your house?

I agree with PP: You're the one obsessed with food. You have been well-intentioned; I really see where you are coming from in terms of wanting to save them from the perils of your own fatness, but you have not given your children enough freedom to make their own food choices. You have infantilised your daughter regarding food and she has no clue what to eat when you are not directing her. She also eats emotionally on a constant basis, not just when triggered by hormones or an upsetting incident.

Provided you have a good balance of food in the home, children will generally make healthy choices. They are not stupid. They know what foods in excess will cause excess weight gain and they know about five a day. You should provide lunch and dinner and they should choose their breakfast and snacks from a selection that has a range in terms of tasty --> boring and healthy. Bring back snacks.

If you model good choices and don't police your kids, they will usually make good choices about most things, not just food.

You are not a bad parent, but this part of your parenting needs redirecting. You should seek professional advice or read some books about this (sorry I don't know any books)

I think that parents jn your position often cant win. Every second post on here is from people who's parents who raised concerns about healthy eating leading to a life long problems with food and the other half is is from people who are resentful that their parents 'ignored' their over eating or didn't try and restrict them either way.
In reality I believe that staying a healthy weight in todays world is really hard and I think children and teenagers should be taught about daily calories allowances and portion control in the same way as they are taught things such as cleaning their teeth .
I was in the states recently and genuinely every second teenager I noticed was significantly over weight. I think we need to start teaching kids about this stuff at a much earlier stage . I know people are afraid of sparking teenager eating disorders in kids but in reality leaving them continue to overeat and end up significantly over weight is a much more likely outcome. When did it become taboo for a parent to mention weight to their kids in any form? I don't think it's helped us as a society

Proactively giving him more issues, you mean. Please stop (and if you must insist, please don't encourage others to be as abusive).

OP has all the signs of anxiety. I'mm not entirely sure that "open to cancer" is a significant risk in children, but I'm prepare dto be correct. I'd be far more willing to accept OP has very real health anxiety.