To teach my 12 year old how to count calories as well as teaching what a balanced meal means

[Wills]

Firstly to those mums who want to shout before reading what I’m saying please note I’ll ignore your posts. I wouldn’t post on an AIBU unless I was really worried what I feel I’m about to do and hope that between me, and Mumsnetters that don’t shout, that there is an alternative out there and am hoping some Mumsnetter/s have solutions I don’t have.

My DD (aged 12) is the youngest of 4. All of us have struggled with weight (including myself and my mother) but I have made it ONE of my mothering focus points (amongst other things) to teach my children what a balanced and healthy diet looks like. All my kids have struggled with their weight but with guidance have sort of come round. Once they’re post 18 I feel its their decision to be who they want to be, but (and sometimes this is unasked of) try to guide their decisions to healthy eating - my point being that its fine for them to be ‘large’ but I always stress a balanced diet and healthy exercise routine.

However, in the last year DD3 (4th child) has gone from an age 12/13 age child clothes to an adult size 14 and in certain skinnier shops 16. All my normal coping strategies have failed. She’s like a heat seeking missile for sugar. I rarely buy biscuits/sweets/cake (for 2 years now) and before she was born, given my other children’s fight with weight have given up my love of baking. So there are no typical biscuits/sweets etc as a norm in the house (which my other kids complain about - but what do I do? If I bring in anything sugary she finds it - including under my bed (HOW - does she have a sugar sensitive nose FFS). Sorry about the swearing but I do feel she’s exceptional.

So just over a year ago she had a wonderful bonding experience with her granny (Their grandad is dying with dementia - to be blunt I didn’t think he’d still be alive when I last saw him at Xmas/Easter). They put together a raspberry crumble including oats. As ‘treats’ come this seemed like something that was wonderful for her to learn.

Fast forward - so I have stopped buying ‘snacks’, biscuits, puddings - in fact anything that might represent a treat (feel like the grinch). But DD3 is really intelligent/clever! For the last 9 months I daren’t have sugar or flour and butter in the house! If I do she gets up at 5.00am in the morning and puts together a crumble mix that would feed (with fruit) four people and then eats it for breakfast. I’ve stopped buying sugar and flour, which was fine when 2 of my kids where at Uni, but they’ve come home and bought the stuff themselves and get upset when its gone in the morning.

I try to punish but 3 out of 4 of my kids are autistic spectrum. My youngest is not. I can see the elements of spectrum that she shows but I do believe most of her behaviour is learnt.

So… Please help me. I’m very aware that just being aware of calories is shortsighted. So just teaching her to calorie count is crap, but if coupled with an emphasis on what represent’s a balanced diet - what else can I do.

To give an example…. She ate 3 full fat sesame bagels for breakfast. How do I tell her this is unreasonable without her screeching at me that I’m calling her fat.

Hope you see my difficulties.

REally really need some guidance as have run out of ideas!

Meant to say she’s 12 - turning 13 during winter

Think I’d be blunt and let her know she is eating far too much sugar and fat. She’s old enough to see the connection without pussyfooting around potential eating disorders.

She ate 3 full fat sesame bagels for breakfast.

What's a full fat bagel? Will teaching her about calories help? Not having butter or sugar in the house seems extreme & won't it push her towards it instead. Does she do any exercise/sport?

It kind of sounds like you've taught her to be obsessed with food and now she has a binge eating disorder. Counting calories isn't going to help. Do you not provide any treats at all? It looks like you've tried to restrict too much so she is now obsessed. Normally kids are fine to have a treat/pudding every day as part of their balanced diet.

I'd get her involved with baking/shopping and use the portioning up aspect to talk about healthy portion control. So make a batch of cookies and have one each a day or something, rather than her feeling like she needs to eat all her contraband at 5am!

Does she do any exercise? That may help the weight come off and give her an excuse to earn her treats and see how they fit into a healthy lifestyle.

Was she hungry for the bagels or just eating for the sake of it?

If she ate three bagels for breakfast, it's not because she was hungry enough to eat three bagels -- it's because there's some other issue that she is using food to (consciously or unconsciously) resolve.

That amount of food simply can't make her feel very good and yet she is doing it anyway. it isn't about calories, it's about why she's eating. Teaching her to calorie count will A: make her aware you feel that what she is doing is "wrong" and make it worse and B: isn't going to solve anything.

I don't think this is an issue you can unpick yourself. I think she needs to address the disordered binge eating with a professional, with you to advocate for her and get the process going.

Well you're already setting her up for a food obsession and potential eating disorder so sure crack on with calorie counting too 🙄

If she ate three bagels for breakfast, it's not because she was hungry enough to eat three bagels -- it's because there's some other issue that she is using food to (consciously or unconsciously) resolve.

Not necessarily, sometimes I eat something when i'm not hungry simply because it's nice. It doesn't mean my diet isn't healthy.

It sounds like she is binge eating to me. I did it from about that age. I’d suggest doing some research around the condition in the first instance.

My Mum tried putting me on a diet and it just made everything worse. I still resent her for it now in my 40s.

My 12 year old boy is similar, he has adhd and I think part of the reason is that he doesn't have an "off" switch when it comes to food. We cant buy chocolate or biscuits. Have even had to stop buying bread because he will just eat that, he massively underestimates his food portions. We have talked calories with him but along the lines of this Mars bar has x calories you could eat a whole meal for the same and it would fill you up. It's so difficult, he gers made fun of, he is an active boy but loves food

It sounds like your daughter has a really unhealthy relationship with food. Im Not sure calorie counting or restricting her is the best option.

I would speak to your local
authority / public health team and see if they have a healthy weight programme that you could both attend

I can't help wondering whether you've gone a bit too far with the healthy eating thing OP, surely all of the kids should have been allowed a little treat now and again, rather than making it into a big thing? Kids don't usually get fat unless they're actually eating either a very poor diet, or are given huge portions of food. Can you tell us more about what you feel was the reason your other children were overweight, and what you did to help them get it under control?

All calories are not equal. The notion that they are has long been superseded by more up-to-date science. 1500 calories of high refined sugar junk food will have a completely different effect on our bodies and our weight than 1500 calories of natural, healthy food with a modest amount of refined sugar. Therefore, teaching her to count calories is at best pointless and at worst, counterproductive.

If she ate three bagels for breakfast, it's not because she was hungry enough to eat three bagels -- it's because there's some other issue that she is using food to (consciously or unconsciously) resolve.

How do you know how hungry she was?

I remember being ravenous as a teen/pre-teen - I could easily have eaten the equivalent of three bagels in one meal - and I'd probably have been hungry again an hour later

Please do not teach her to calorie count she is far to young and you risk her becoming obsessed.

I think by restricting "treat" food, you've made it all the more attractive. If you are really worried ask her GP to refer her to a dietitian

What do you think she should've done then? As clearly most parents would try something to help their child lose weight.

30-40 years ago there wasn't the same understanding of binge eating disorder.

Are you sure you're not just blaming your mum so you don't have to look harder at your own choices over the last couple of decades?

How much protein is she having? Sounds like a carb addiction to me

My DD is autistic and loves food, especially sweet stuff.

I've leaned into buying things that she craves. This has worked really well to take the intense desire away and avoid obsession. By having access to the foods she's craving, it's made them more "normal".

My mum restricted my access to food, particularly sweet food, as a child. I just found ways to get my hands on them and put more and more weight on.

You’re describing emotional eating, binge eating.

She knows full well 3 bagels is not a normal amount without you counting calories with her. She already thinks she’s so fat you don’t love her when you bring it up. She associates the crumble mix with love.

At 12 her hormones are off the charts and puberty is a really physical thing. Sugar cravings are intense. She’s still got growing upwards to do too.

I think she already has an eating disorder OP. As a PP says, binge eating is disordered eating. I would be very careful here.

What makes you think it would have any effect? She's old enough to know already that eating so much junk is bad for her, and she can't be unaware she's overweight. Explaining calories to her isn't going to make her stop eating that stuff.

I have made it ONE of my mothering focus points (amongst other things) to teach my children what a balanced and healthy diet looks like.

What are your typical family meals like? How have you been teaching her what a balanced, healthy diet looks like? Hopefully by getting her involved in cooking and meal prep, and by providing meals with good protein, lots of vegetables and some non-highly-processsed carbs. Eating healthily is about eating real, natural, home-cooked foods and avoiding highly processed stuff and sugar, it's not about counting calories.

Restriction leads to binging. The more you restrict what she wants, the more she’ll want it. Could you teach her how to eat more intuitively? Read: How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too. It’s very eye opening.

I don't think you should make it all about the food.

A light discussion.

Could you afford some counselling?
Mindless eating is probably part of it however sugar addiction is very real and she may be bored or seeking emotional comfort through food.

Davina mccall done some sweet treats recipes without sugar maybe you could prepare some of them together too so she is still getting treats without all the calories.

My DS sensory seeks with food, I was advised to use distraction tactics they work he is only 7 so easily distracted.

Absolutely do not tell her about calorie counting. No one needs to count calories to control weight. Instead try to get her interested in putting together balanced meals with fruit/veg/protein at every meal.

I think you might be better off taking her to the doctor to seek help for her binge eating disorder/carb/sugar addiction.
Is she bothered by her weight?
Most kids tend to self-regulate. Eg we have everything in the house from healthy raw veg and fruit as well as biscuits, crisps, and cereal bars. My dd is 13 and while she's "always starving" will happily eat cucumber sticks and hummus on one snack attack and maybe a mini twix on another but we don't really do the whole "good food/bad food" in our house. I tell her if she's already had eg 2 biscuits that it's she needs to eat something healthy if she requests another (not in one sitting I mean throughout the day). I NEVER EVER mention weight or diets I only ever say she's a growing girl and needs vitamins, minerals and too much sugar is bad for her teeth/skin. And we don't have scales in the house and (even though I could to lose a stone or so) I don't do the "does my bum look big in this?" Malarkey in front of her.
Does she do any sport at school, clubs etc? I think it's v hard to put children on a "diet" and it's better to get them moving more.
I'm also wondering if you've gone a bit extreme in your absence of all biscuits etc if they're around all the time there's no incentive to eat them all in one go - obviously you know your dd better than me so I'm guessing this has been tried and tested already.
If she likes oats (which are healthy, filling and low gi I think, but I'm no nutritionist!) what about overnight oats for her breakfast? 40g oats, fat free greek yogurt, and add frozen berries of choice - I like cherries. Pop in fridge before bedand ready to eat in morning. Maybe she needs more filling high protein foods that will satisfy her for longer.
I'm not sure calorie counting would help unless she's onboard to try a diet and like a pp said not all calories are equal. It's about healthy, filling, nutritious food with the occasional snack if need be.
Good luck, OP, it doesn't sound easy.