Racist message in group chat WWYD?

[Thebeastofsleep]

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
4. say nothing, leave the group.
5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

I apologise for getting ranty at you. I do see now that you missed the update and I shouldnt have gone off on one at you. As I said above, I get the red mist about racism but thats no excuse and I apologise unreservedly for being so aggro at you.

3 for now, reverting to 2, possibly, if the stag fails to step up and this becomes a pattern, to 1. Definitely not 4 or 5; you've got to speak up or it will never get better.

What a shitty thing to happen, you DH must be so disappointed. At least you cared enough to seek advice. Hopefully poster will be uninvited.

Well done to your DH OP. All that’s required for evil to triumph and all that.

Oh don't be silly you're all good! It's an emotive issue.

I don't disagree wiht you at all on racism!

I just think, if anything, going about it the way PP have suggested will actually make the situation worse.

Don't be daft. Sorry if I upset you. <3

Sadly, you're wrong. I have had people on my whatsapp send me stuff like this, because they get it from other fuckwits, think its hilarious and send it on to other people they think will find it equally hilarious. One of mine was a work colleague I had always got on with and respected. Swiftly blocked but....it happens. I have an old mate who is 68 he and I have fallen out over his misogyny but he still sometimes forwards me horribly sexist stuff and I give him a right bollocking every time. Daft thing is, he is very defensive of his daughter after her abuse at the hands of her ex partner but will still share some vile rape "joke", when you call him on it he will admit he just doesnt really think about it but when I say "If that was *Jane in that video, would you have found it funny" and he admits that no he wouldnt and that on reflection it isnt funny at all. I am more forgiving of him as he is trying to readjust to a world that isnt narratted by vile 70's comedians.

*Not her real name

@beautyisthefaceisee You didnt and thanks 😊

You are not a stag and it is nothing to do with you. Leave them to it. Or do you micromanage every aspect of his life?

I’m sure he has his own opinions.

Presumably you missed the bit where the husband asked his wifes opinion? And the bit where she asked MN as part of their conversation about this?

Probably the best-known example of such a "joke" is What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

I would assume they are voting YABU for having to even ask in the first place to be honest. This sort or behaviour should be confronted without the need for peer support.

Well done to your husband ...

Stag is absolutely mortified by the way.

Not mortified enough to chuck racist out of group/ stag do / wedding.

And it was only when DH called it out that others commented. The reality is that most stayed quiet. Possibly all if DH had not said anything. It was several hours between the message being sent and DH seeing it/ responding.

What a great group of people. Not. I really hope no POC has the misfortune to come across any of these racists and racist enablers.

If you stay silent, you’re part of the problem, you’re not innocent.

2 or 3. I would speak to the groom first.

Never ceases to amaze me what passes for humour in groups of men.

Yes, it is his choice. He has asked me for my opinion.

Perhaps you missed the OP's second post ^^ @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy.

Racism should be called out every time.

If you're socially confident enough for a stag do with strangers, I'm sure you could dredge up the inner resources to type a couple of lines calling out racism. If you're that vulnerable you'd be unlikely to encounter the problem. Not many people like confrontation. Most prefer to keep the peace, but if you care enough you have to steel yourself sometimes. Just as you would if it were something you felt passionate about. And that's the nub of it really. Most people responding to say ignore it haven't said they're vulnerable or socially anxious, they simply don't care enough to suffer social discomfort.

This!

Shocked that people think keeping a good atmosphere at the stag do/not making it awkward for the groom (who deserves zero consideration if he tolerates mates like that) justifies ignoring something like this. I'm glad it's not my world either

I don't see you or other posters calling out the misandry on mn though-so that's ok?

I agree wholeheartedly about misandru on MN and have mentioned it myself but that was a stupid comment which wont go down well

The incel site is thataway >>>

Probably the best-known example of such a "joke" is What do you tell a woman with two black eyes

Go on mn, loose women and the talk on America amongst others and I've seen countless examples of dm jokes against men by our own gender.

'Look away, nothing to see here, it's just racism'.

This is a thread about racism. Go start your own thread.

I agree wholeheartedly about misandru on MN and have mentioned it myself but that was a stupid comment which wont go down well

how is my comment 'stupid'? I'm simply calling out the ignorance that goes on in mn and so many posters(if any) say anything but if it's racism then everybody is on their moral high ground.

@Meraas You have no bloody idea what stag hasnt or hasnt done (or who the man is to the stag. What if its father, his brother, and it's being ddealt with behind closed doors?or the brides relative who has asked me him to handle it like that) it's nothing to do with you.

Regardless, I dont know why on earth OP posted about it as I cant imagine her husband asked her for her or our opinion.

You are not the queen of whatsapp.

This 'I'd be doing' a b and c drives me potty. Of course people dont agree with racism. But everyone doesnr bulldoze around in life on your say so.

Ps, the Incel comment was ridiculous. I did nt agree with the comment as you can see but you dont have to be an incel to know misandry is alive and well on Mn.