Racist message in group chat WWYD?

[Thebeastofsleep]

DH, not me. Is in a group chat for an up coming stag group. DH only knows he stag and no other attendees/ group members. One group member has been posting 'banter' in the chat - memes, videos etc. Most of these have been fairly normal fodder, some slightly offensive. No one in the group has reciprocated/ commented on these but he keeps doing it. Stag has commented that its a group to plan the stag do, not a jokes thread and tried to get it back on track. Now the same person has posted an overtly racist video. Its shocking. DH is absolutely outraged.

WWYD:

1. comment that the video is completely in appropriate and leave the group and not attend the stag do.
2. comment that the video is completely inappropriate and leave group but still attend the do.
3. comment as above but stay in the group and attend.
4. say nothing, leave the group.
5. say nothing, act like it didn't happen.

DH is erring on 1 at the moment but he has no idea who this person is in relation to the stag/ rest of the group other than he isn't the best man.

Block him.

Unfortunately, in my experience, people are not inclined to call out behaviour that makes them uncomfortable.
I am a white person, living in the U.K., I am Irish, I hold an Irish passport, I am Irish, not English or from the U.K. I am white and have a southeast london accent, and it gives me the rage when someone comments to me about ‘foreigners’! It regularly happens on public transport, with a white English person referring to a non white, non English person. I know lots of people of colour who have English as a second language who hold Uk passports, I do not have an English passport, so obviously, THEY ARE MORE ENGLISH THAN ME, EVEN THOUGH I AM WHITE AND THEY ARE NOT!!
So ducking frustrating!

2 but call it out before leaving group.

This

The stag needs to remove this person. Your DH has done the right thing by calling the racist out.

I’m pleased your DH called it out. I hope the stag cuts this guy adrift

3 then consider whether he really wants to spend time with a dick that spouts this crap. The it was only a joke will no doubt be played …

No, but I'm not quite sure why everyone is intending on putting a hammer through this poor mans stag night before hed actually had the opportunity to do anything about it.

I mean … this is all a bit too weird. If true then no one is suddenly going to randomly start posting racist jokes in a chat group of strangers and not be posting this kind of stuff elsewhere. Stag would be well aware this person is racist.

All sounds a bit suss. I would immediately leave any group if racist comments/memes/videos were posted. I would have no association with it. I wouldn’t also get my husband to do a post and give options of what I should do … I also wouldn’t use the word “fodder”

1. Call out the offensive racist video and make sure it is removed from the chat.

Message the stag and say that if this is going to the general tone of the stag and chat then you are not keen to attend unless this is dealt with and brought under control.

It's a big assumption by the offensive poster if they don't personally know all attendees since this sort of "banter" is well received by many and if they are unaware of cultural diversity within the group then it's not a great way to make acquaintances.

I do always call out racism but that may be because my daughter is mixed race so when I see/hear it I get the red mist. There was one guy who was in a pub I was working in who was so appallingly racist I was going to belt him one (Piccaninny/white N*** shagging slags were the least offensive things he said), I genuinely lost it and was going to go low and actually assault him. My friend, the landlord, held me back which looking back was probably a good thing as I am short with no upper body strength so he a) probably wouldnt have noticed and b) battered me to pieces if he did. To this day I have no idea what I thought I would achieve but to hear my daughter and I talked about like that sent me in a full tail spin. And yes, he was barred and apparently had his arse handed to him by a couple of regulars.

But, do I always call out shit behaviour? No because I agree with PP that if someone behaves so badly that they dont care about what other people think, who knows what else they may do?

That said, I think that this Whatsapp group would be a safe place to cal it out. The stag is not impressed, other guys are not impressed so his card has been marked. He knows that everyone is keeping their eye on him and dont forget that while the DH doesnt know what this guy is capable of, equally he doesnt know that the DH or one of the other guests isnt a huge black guy with a sense of grievance and a punch that could fell an elephant........

I didn't know about that - definitely report!

Hang on.

We don't actually know what was in the video.

Not going due to one bellend isn't fair on the stag, who he must be good mates with?
Tbh I wouldn't want to make anything awkward for my friend, so I'd silently seethe and remember after these two events I would never have to see him again.

You mean to say that this:-

The video is a collection of video clips/ images of black people with a song over the top in an American deep south style (don't know the name of the style, heavy with banjo) about shooting [insert racist term].

wasn't enough detail for you? 😕

This.

3

1. Why should he and the groom miss out just because one of the other members is a dick. (Also, thank you for not tolerating this and not being ok with it. As someone from a different race I really do appreciate it!!)

a) yes we do
b) even if we didnt the fact that the OP stated it was racist is enough. Any form of racism is unacceptable, its not like film classifications "may contain mild racism"! Its not like if its rated a 3 on a 1 -10 scale then its ok, it really isnt ok! a 1 isnt ok!

WTF is wrong with you?!

Apologies. Missed that

Nothing - and I've apologised for missing the update.

But MN as standard practically has the man getting married on an island with no pals to speak of based on post on whatsapp that wasn't him. This is why social media is dangerous.

Just because the man hasn't addressed him directly on whatsapp doesn't mean the conversation hasnt taken place. It's actually got absolutely nothing to do with OP.

Well congratulations on all your social self confidence.

Hard as it may be to understand - not everyone is feeling as strong today and up for the fight as you are. Some people may even feel a bit vulnerable. That’s human. Some days people can saddle up and other days they can’t or they are less sure of themselves.

Also don’t rule out people being genuinely confused at the weirdness of the poster. Like, wtf.

Quite.

The people encouraging OP to barge in and make the situation 10 times worse are not helping.

I dont know if it was you who said something similar earlier, but if it was, the weirdness lines are verging on troll hunting, which is banned.