Aibu to think myself and my child are being discriminated against by after school club?

[JudyLemon]

My child has Asd and has 1:1 assistance in school all day outside of the classroom. He has his 1:1 due to his behavioural issues, he cannot be in the classroom with the other children as he cannot sit or listen during a lesson and will be extremely disruptive. If he doesn't want to do something or if he doesn't like something he will run away and will threaten his own life. However he is not often physical, he will sometimes lash out at other children but never adults.

I am starting a new job soon and will be requiring childcare after school and in the holidays, I have contacted the schools onsite childcare provider and they have said that they cannot have him. They say they have spoken to the teacher and the teacher feels the environment is not suited to my child. This is because it is very busy and loud and because they cannot provide 1:1 support. I have reached out to them again and asked them what alternative options (perhaps shorter sessions or I could provide sensory toys) they will instead give me and they have said that they cannot accommodate my son at all.

Aibu to think this is discrimination? Am I expected to never work a good job again because of my child? Surely they have to put something in place?

Let me know if any of you have been in this same position and how you made it work please.

"I suspect if OP was to insist that the EHCP specified after school club with 1:1 support on top of the current provision, the school's response would be that they can no longer meet her son's needs sadly."

The Ehcp cannot specify support for childcare.

Alfie and Lesley on Instagram recently had a similar issue instagram.com/alfieandlesley?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Childcare and accessibility for all disabilities in this country is shocking. It is discrimination. Society set up only for the abled and even then childcare is expensive and hard.

I also think you'd be utterly mad to do this to your child when they aren't in the classroom. They very clearly won't cope with it.

In our local authority area all breakfast / after school clubs are delivered by a charity even if they are based in a school. The schools have no input into how the clubs operate. The after school clubs are not calm structured places like schools, they are more like fun unstructured play groups with lovely staff who are not paid well it must be said. The main objective of these groups is to provide a safe environment for children and it sounds like that would not be possible for them to do for your child. These staff are not usually anywhere near as trained as teachers are on dealing with children with ASN’s. You seem to be viewing the club as an extension of the school but they really are not. If your child is struggling so much during the school hours how are they going to manage for even longer hours. I get it it’s just one more barrier for you to work but your main priority should be keeping your child in school.

As a mum who has a child with asd I sympathise with you. However my child can attend wrap around school clubs, as her needs are not as high as your child's.

I've had to sacrifice my career goals and aspirations due to her needs, it's shit but you can't expect the club to accommodate him if they can't. Do you get DLA?

Offer to pay his 1:1 to babysit him for an hour or two after school? They might not be able to work late but it's worth a try.

“You literally described him as unable to sit, unable to listen, extremely disruptive, he lashes out at others and he threatens his own life. What makes you think the after-school club is the right place for someone with that level of need?

The school don't have to, and frankly can't, bend over backwards for one child.”

^This. Why would you do this to your child?

This. Surely you can see they won’t cope with him?

Yes, this for me too. I can’t work due to my son’s needs. We can’t get babysitters or childcare, I would dream of leaving him in an after school club. I don’t personally think it’s discrimination. It’s just life and the hand we were dealt.

I have 3 sen children with 1:1 assistants in school and no I didnt make it work in wrap around. I was realistic and realise my children would not cope in afterschools setting and would be a danger to themselves/staff/other children without 1:1 which of course no wrap around could provide.

I went part time and work school hours as luckily I had an established career. Your other alternative would be looking at direct payments to pay 1:1 childminder.

I work in this type of setting and I’m afraid we would also say no on this basis. It’s often a very noisy environment with lots of other children. It simply wouldn’t be safe for a child who can’t follow basic instructions or sit still. It also wouldn’t be cost effective unless you were paying triple the price to cover the extra person needed as a 1:1

Am I expected to never work a good job again because of my child

Every choice in life comes with a compromise. Your situation is awful but schools aren't there to provide childcare.

*wouldn’t

You are not being discriminated against. The level of care and attention your child requires cannot be given in this kind of setting. Surely keeping your child safe is the priority here?

If it's not an environment he would enjoy and he needs 1-1 care that they cannot provide, then why would you want to send him there? He would be miserable and unsafe.

Would you be willing to pay extra for the 1-1 care?

I honestly do understand your frustration, but there's not much the ASC can do about it.

No it isn’t discrimination. They’re saying they can’t meet his needs/this after school club isn’t suitable for him and his needs. They aren’t obligated to ‘put something in place’ any more than any other private business is obligated to serve you.

I have sympathy though. DH and I have to work shifts - I’m part time and have had to do evenings/nights. I would rather work full time and be able to bave more money and save up a bit more but unfortunately there is a lack of childcare that would properly
meet my son’s needs. It would be unfair for him and the other kids and the staff. It’s not their fault because they’re not a specialist setting with the training and staff to meet
my son’s needs. It’s also not our fault. It’s just difficult.

It’s not just the lack of a 1-1 support, though. A noisy, busy, unstructured play-based environment doesn’t sound like it would be manageable by OP’s DS, even with a brilliant support worker it’s just not an environment he would thrive in by the sounds of it.
What adjustments would be needed to enable him to access the club, (as well as support)? And is it “reasonable” to expect those to be put in place?

Even if they were able to pay for support, actually finding someone to do it would be hugely difficult.

Approach the one on one and ask if they are interested in extra hours or hire someone else for those after school hours and ask the headteacher if your son was there with support would that be acceptable?

It's a tough one though because it's likely that after a day at school he's overstimulated and tired and the noise and lack of structure at the after school club might be too much for him.

Yabu op. Would you rather they not cope.

My son has autism I've always worked school hours but I know they are hard to find.

I can understand why you might feel like this, but actually I think the teacher is genuinely trying to do what is right for your child. Doesn’t make it convenient for you, but it sounds like it’s coming from
a good place.

It sounds like your son is already really struggling to cope in the school environment. Making him stay even longer in wraparound would be very unfair to him. He will need a lot of time at home, in a calm space doing whatever helps him regulate to recover.

Having children requires sacrifice, and having a child with SEN requires even greater sacrifices.

Is your son in a mainstream school? Do you receive DLA/carers allowance?

I really hate the trend of just suggesting au pairs on Mumsnet to solve difficult childcare predicaments. An au pair is a young girl from another country who will help out like a big sister in exchange for pocket money. They are not slave labour to be in sole charge of a child with extensive extra needs and extremely challenging behavior.

An sen nanny would be a good choice. But absolutely not an au pair.

I have an autistic child, with a lower level of need, and ASC is the very last place I’d put them (I don’t work, mostly because of their needs). It’s unstructured, noisy, constantly changing children and staff, mixed ages and adds onto what they already find a long and stressful enough day. I think you’d be incredibly unfair to your son, the other children and the staff if you attempt to get him to attend a regular ASC with no 1:1 and a few sensory toys (?!) if he can’t even handle the regular classroom environment with 1:1. How exactly do you envisage that working out?!

I know this sounds harsh but no they don’t have to put something in place to enable you to keep a good job. Or any job. You are his parent and you (and his father if he’s in the picture) are ultimately responsible for sourcing and paying for appropriate care. It absolutely sucks, but there’s no point you thinking you’re in an unusual situation for a SEN parent, you’re not. I don’t know anyone who works more than very part time if they have a child with 1:1 care needs of the kind you describe.

It's also unfair on the other children who attend. If they aren't safe in the same room as him during the normal school day, with 1:1 support, how are they going to be safe in the after school club room, with or without properly qualified care. It is very difficult for you Op but your son's needs cannot be met in that situation.