To say no to 12 year old going to friends house without parents details?

[ddeey]

Key facts:
12 year old DD has been invited to a friends house straight from school and would like to be collected at 8pm.
DD does not hang around with these kids at school but they have a shared interest. The idea is that a group of them will be going to the house tomorrow for this shared activity.
I have the address, but asked DD to get a phone no for the hosting parent as wanted to message them. DD says she has asked but has not been given one. Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night.
For context, DD has been bullied previously and can struggle socially at times. Importantly (i feel) we live 45 mins away from where she will be as she goes to school a fair way away. So we don't know the area or local families.
AIBU to think that at age 12 its still ok to say i want to speak to the hosting parent in this scenario or are we being over protective?

You are being overprotective.

No, that’s fine. She can ask the host child for a parent’s number and/or she can share your number and ask the parent to call you (not text - in case it is the kids trying to pull a fast one!) 12 is still young.

Does your dd have a phone? Are you available to collect early if she texts you?
if so I’d probably say ok if she’s sure she wants to - but I’d be a bit wary about why they do desperately want her there. Is she sure she wants to go? Are they really friends?

Until something goes wrong. Then everyone will say that she was negligent.

Does dd have a phone? I would ask that when dd arrives at the house that she rings you and you can speak to parent that's there. Your dd can say you just want to confirm pick up time

I would say over protective. Presumably she has her own phone so she can contact you if there is a problem.

I’m with you OP. It is a red flag that they won’t give a phone number.

At 12 I was out at friends houses that my parents hadn't spoken to their parents off before all the time, isn't that pretty normal at that age?

I understand your concerns, you do have to let them go though, if it were me i would go and hang out in a coffee shop near by and take a book. Just be on stand by. I am sure it will all be ok.

Will the parents be there? At 12 my children were coming home with or without friends (never normally planned) and I was home about an hour later.

I would absolutely want to speak to the parent.

I think it's overprotective. How exactly will contacting the other parent make the situation better?
That said, ask DD to pass your phone number on to the other parent. And have a key word organised so that DD can text you the word if she wants picking up at any point.

You are being over protective. Presumably they have their own phone?

Why would a parent be there? They are 12
You csn go earlier and stake out the house

I would let go a bit, especially if she has a phone.

Hard to say, I think probably you’re being over protective. Your DD has her own phone so can call or message you herself.

I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag - probably just kids being useless (my 11 yr old son was supposed to give a friend my mobile number so his mum could text me about a paintballing party, and he didn’t ask me for 2-3 weeks despite his mate reminding him. Entirely cos he thought “huh dunno why he wants the number” and “forgot” and “wasn’t sure how to share it” aka couldn’t be bothered. Got it sorted 5 days before the party!)

i’d always want the parents number before my child had a phone of their own, but now they have one, I communicate directly with them rather than via the hosting parents. Quite possibly the parents won’t even be there when they get home - might arrive later.

Chat with your daughter - tell her to keep her phone on, tell her you’ll call or message to speak with her shortly after she gets there to check it’s ok (and if she doesn’t answer you’ll be turning up to collect her…)

What difference does it really make if you have spoken to the parent, you still won't know them, won't know the area, won't know the house.

Ask her to ring you when she gets there, work with trusting her.

I wouldn’t agree to this. Frankly I smell a rat, it’s a possible set up.
she needs to tell them if they can’t give a parents number then she’s not allowed. She can put it down to the distance from home.

At 12? I’d want the patents details, absolutely.

Is she y7 or y8?

Once my dc got secondary school they chose their own friends and made their own arrangements... Make sure your dc can contact you at any time. Ds once got caught up in a domestic and wanted a lift back ASAP!!

I think if she has a phone it is probably fine OP. Is she definitely friends with them and is she keen to go?

She’s 12, the house is 45 minutes away, she hasn’t been there before, these aren’t her regular friends and she’s been bullied in the past?

I don’t think you’re being overprotective at all.

I think its fine to contact parents (I would say thanks for having her and what time is pick up etc.). I thought it weird if kids were constantly at my house and no parent ever checked in with me.
If as teens my kids had friends over for sleepovers and I had never made contact with the parents I would always call to make sure they knew where their child was!
I am never offended by parents just checking in, its rare that a parent is truly over-protective.

I have just checked the age as I am surprised so many would be ok about this even if the other parent wasn't home yet. Fine if it is an established friendship group and you know some of them and you take it in turns to have the group over otherwise I wouldn't be happy with this loose arrangement.