To say no to 12 year old going to friends house without parents details?

[ddeey]

Key facts:
12 year old DD has been invited to a friends house straight from school and would like to be collected at 8pm.
DD does not hang around with these kids at school but they have a shared interest. The idea is that a group of them will be going to the house tomorrow for this shared activity.
I have the address, but asked DD to get a phone no for the hosting parent as wanted to message them. DD says she has asked but has not been given one. Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night.
For context, DD has been bullied previously and can struggle socially at times. Importantly (i feel) we live 45 mins away from where she will be as she goes to school a fair way away. So we don't know the area or local families.
AIBU to think that at age 12 its still ok to say i want to speak to the hosting parent in this scenario or are we being over protective?

This.

There is absolutely no way I would entertain this for a minute.

At 15 this wouldn't be happening either.

45 minutes away with people you don't know?

Nope.

I would definitely need to be in contact with the parents.

Very normal for parents to contact and confirm details of meet ups if we didn't know each other.

My children never had an issue with it.

I'm not sure the girl would tell her parent she was inviting someone to her house with ill intent! So how would the parent know ....?

Many parents are at work and wouldn't expect to be supervising 12 year olds after school and wouldn't be home until a bit later. Would you insist on parent present or it doesn't happen? Is this safer or less safer than having an unknown adult present? And how many parents actually supervise secondary school children even if they are there?

There is nothing to stop the group detouring off somewhere on route for home....

I'll grant you the point about times :)

Talking to a parent gives an illusion of safety only.

They are known bullies red so ill intent is hardly beyond the realms of imagination. Kids can be very cruel.

my children would not be going back to an empty house at 12 full stop. They would be at an after school club or activity, at that age, not roaming the streets. Adult supervision is very important- they are young and indeed in winter it would be dark too.

my dc are quite happy and feel secure with their plans, they are not left to their own devices for hours after school. I was a latch key child but these days there is no need for dc to be left thanks to school provisions.

Parents in my experience take good care of others peoples children - so I always ensure we are in contact and it is confirmed. It would be a dry day in hell that my 12 year old would be trusting known bullies in a house that is 45 mins away with a family I haven’t even spoken to!

They are known bullies so ill intent is hardly beyond the realms of imagination. Kids can be very cruel.... It would be a dry day in hell that my 12 year old would be trusting known bullies in a house that is 45 mins away with a family I haven’t even spoken to!

Where does op say these girls are 'known bullies'?

They are known bullies red so ill intent is hardly beyond the realms of imagination. Kids can be very cruel.

They're not known bullies. OP just says her DD has been bullied in the past and that these children aren't her usual group of friends.

At 12? It would be negligent to just send her daughter off there without talking to the hosting parent.

I would want no to text and confirm…my kids are 13 15 and 18
obviously the older 2 I wouldn’t

your daughter should be able to get the number from friend within a few minutes so that raises an eyebrow

I assumed that is why op told us they weren’t dds friends and she had been bullied. I am not sure why it would be relevant to the op otherwise. It’s obvious op is worried for her child

to me it’s irrelevant, 12 year old children should not roaming the streets and god knows where full stop. ESP not when op lives 45 min away

I wouldn't be happy either. Trust your instinct. I would offer to do the pickup and take them there, so you can assess the situation.

I would want the number, if only so I could check with the parent that the invitation was genuine and parent knew about it. I used to be a big fan of friends coming over unannounced, but single parenthood combined with a more full-on job has changed that.

If I’ve got home from work, tired and fed up and just wanting to take my bra off and get some gin down me, finding my DD has invited a group of friends over to discuss anime “and they’ll be here until seven so can we cook some freezer pizzas…?” just makes me want to weep.

Friends they have had for ages, I don’t mind so much. New friends who won’t be used to our crazy dog or our house’s doors that don’t close properly so you HAVE to knock - I’d like to know if they’re coming over so I don’t decide to have a bath at exactly the wrong moment.

I understand your concerns, but I think you're being a bit overprotective because of DDs history of bullying/social problems.

I'd let her go, assuming she has a phone. Maybe you could hang out in a Starbucks or something nearby? Just in case?