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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to 12 year old going to friends house without parents details?

136 replies

ddeey · 27/06/2022 17:56

Key facts:
12 year old DD has been invited to a friends house straight from school and would like to be collected at 8pm.
DD does not hang around with these kids at school but they have a shared interest. The idea is that a group of them will be going to the house tomorrow for this shared activity.
I have the address, but asked DD to get a phone no for the hosting parent as wanted to message them. DD says she has asked but has not been given one. Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night.
For context, DD has been bullied previously and can struggle socially at times. Importantly (i feel) we live 45 mins away from where she will be as she goes to school a fair way away. So we don't know the area or local families.
AIBU to think that at age 12 its still ok to say i want to speak to the hosting parent in this scenario or are we being over protective?

OP posts:
nbrown2022x · 27/06/2022 18:28

Absolutely not! I wouldn't be sending my child to anyones house without a conversation with the parent or guardian. Major red flag!

nbrown2022x · 27/06/2022 18:29

Doingmybest12 · 27/06/2022 18:27

I have just checked the age as I am surprised so many would be ok about this even if the other parent wasn't home yet. Fine if it is an established friendship group and you know some of them and you take it in turns to have the group over otherwise I wouldn't be happy with this loose arrangement.

Me too! So many creeps, weirdos and bullies out there!

Notimeforaname · 27/06/2022 18:30

Overprotective. 12 is perfectly fine to hang around at a house with friends.

BlackTourmaline · 27/06/2022 18:32

45 minutes away is far. If it were local I’d be ok with this but the distance would worry me.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/06/2022 18:33

drpet49 · 27/06/2022 18:08

I’m with you OP. It is a red flag that they won’t give a phone number.

I’d suspect it’s more that DD is pretending she’s asked but doesn’t want to ask her friend for their parents’ number because she doesn’t want to be - in her friends’ eyes - the one whose mummy got involved.

I’d let it go, and reinforce that you’ll pick her up whenever she calls. Or, privately call the Head of Year and ask if they could pass on a message to the girls’ parents.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 27/06/2022 18:33

I think that's pretty OTT at twelve, especially as your DD has a phone.

She can text you if there's an issue and you can collect her early, surely?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/06/2022 18:33

Hmm. If you hadn't asked for a number I would think nothing of her going there. But since you did ask and haven't been given a number (which the friend must have in her phone)...

Is it possible your daughter hasn't really asked them for their home or parents' number because she finds it awkward to do so?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 27/06/2022 18:34

drpet49 · 27/06/2022 18:08

I’m with you OP. It is a red flag that they won’t give a phone number.

I bet the DD hasn't asked for a phone number - because it would be HUGELY embarrassing to be the one who had to get mummy involved.

Doingmybest12 · 27/06/2022 18:36

Notimeforaname · 27/06/2022 18:30

Overprotective. 12 is perfectly fine to hang around at a house with friends.

Yes it is fine and really important for children to have opportunities to do this but for me not under these circumstances. OP you know what your gut is telling you, you know your daughter and what has happened in the past. Do what you feel comfortable with.

pinkunicorns54 · 27/06/2022 18:38

I would 100% want to speak the parents and want their number and them to have mine! What if something went wrong and they didn't have contact numbers to call?

MissyB1 · 27/06/2022 18:38

I think some posters are missing the facts that these girls aren’t really her friendship group, and she has been bullied previously.

my ds is 13 and in year 8. All the parents contact each other if their kids are visiting.

Ducksurprise · 27/06/2022 18:41

BlackTourmaline · 27/06/2022 18:32

45 minutes away is far. If it were local I’d be ok with this but the distance would worry me.

In which case I'd suggest going shopping at the local supermarket.
Twice I've felt unsure about similar things but thought it was most likely my fear as a parent so once I spent four hours 5 minutes away in Tesco (thankfully with a cafe) and a second less pleasant experience in a cold back road at night.

I have no qualms about saying no if the situation is dangerous but more often that not it is just parenting fear.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/06/2022 18:42

drpet49 · 27/06/2022 18:08

I’m with you OP. It is a red flag that they won’t give a phone number.

Where does it say they wont give the number?

Clearly most posters think this is fine as do I but the OP knows the situation best and maybe there are reasons to say no. The only way to find out is to let her go with a phone and you on standy

redskyatnight · 27/06/2022 18:42

MissyB1 · 27/06/2022 18:38

I think some posters are missing the facts that these girls aren’t really her friendship group, and she has been bullied previously.

my ds is 13 and in year 8. All the parents contact each other if their kids are visiting.

Not missing it - just not being sure how having a parents' phone number helps the situation. All contacting the parent will do is confirm that the parent is aware of the arrangement. It won't mean that DD enjoys herself or doesn't get bullied.

Hellocatshome · 27/06/2022 18:43

MissyB1 · 27/06/2022 18:38

I think some posters are missing the facts that these girls aren’t really her friendship group, and she has been bullied previously.

my ds is 13 and in year 8. All the parents contact each other if their kids are visiting.

I didnt miss that, friendships have to be made somehow. Unless anyone in this group was one of the bullies then it would be different. Also I'm shprosed parents are getting involved in 13 year olds friendships and hanging out arrangements. My son and his friends would have died of embarrassment at that age.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 27/06/2022 18:43

MissyB1 · 27/06/2022 18:38

I think some posters are missing the facts that these girls aren’t really her friendship group, and she has been bullied previously.

my ds is 13 and in year 8. All the parents contact each other if their kids are visiting.

Not missing anything, but I just don't see what difference it makes to speak to a parent. What exactly will it change?

Mamamia7962 · 27/06/2022 18:45

What is the shared interest? I don't think there's anything wrong with the friends reminding your daughter about the meet up if she's not part of their group during the day.
You have the address, get your daughter to ring you when she gets there.

I can see your concern but there's nothing to suggest that they are going to bully her.

Oblomov22 · 27/06/2022 18:46

Overprotective, just no need for it.

Bigbadstan · 27/06/2022 18:49

If she had a phone, I would happen to be conveniently in the area (drinking coffee in my car a couple of streets away) a bit earlier than 8 and text my dd to let her know.

AMindNeedsBooks · 27/06/2022 18:55

At 12 you absolutely should speak to the parent, I'm actually in disbelief other parents think otherwise! It's hardly round the corner even if she can contact you by phone and that's not even taking into account her vulnerabilities. I'd take her along for the scheduled meeting time and ask to speak to the parent then if you still don't have a number. If they're not home ask your DD's friend to give you the number while you're there, it shouldn't be an issue if all above board.

LuaDipa · 27/06/2022 18:55

I think there must be regional differences with this sort of thing.

At that age, I never had a single mother not drop me a message before allowing their kids to our house. Dd is 13 and her friend’s parents still message when their dd’s are coming for a sleepover and I always message them if she is going there. It would be most unusual in my circles not to get in touch prior to the kids coming over, but clearly that’s not the case across the board which I find surprising.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/06/2022 18:55

Not missing anything, but I just don't see what difference it makes to speak to a parent. What exactly will it change?

Clearly you did not spend your teenage years on the hunt for a "free house", and then assuring your parents when you found one that of course Emma's parents knew we were all going there, and of course there would be an adult there.

Provenceinthesummer · 27/06/2022 18:56

At 12 I would absolutely expect this to be confirmed by parents.
By 14 teens tend to do things independently. Especially given the bullying and the distance.
dd needs to give you the number of parents before she goes anywhere.
alternatively collect them all and drive to friends house and speak to the parents before leaving.
Something feels off about this, why aren’t they sharing parents numbers?

RaininSummer · 27/06/2022 18:58

I would be that over protective parent for peace of mind. How do you know they are even gong to this kid's house? They could have a plan to meet lads in the next town for l you know or worse.

Mamamia7962 · 27/06/2022 18:59

TheYearOfSmallThings - Well you obviously did this, but perhaps you shouldn't make the assumption that all teenagers do.