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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to 12 year old going to friends house without parents details?

136 replies

ddeey · 27/06/2022 17:56

Key facts:
12 year old DD has been invited to a friends house straight from school and would like to be collected at 8pm.
DD does not hang around with these kids at school but they have a shared interest. The idea is that a group of them will be going to the house tomorrow for this shared activity.
I have the address, but asked DD to get a phone no for the hosting parent as wanted to message them. DD says she has asked but has not been given one. Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night.
For context, DD has been bullied previously and can struggle socially at times. Importantly (i feel) we live 45 mins away from where she will be as she goes to school a fair way away. So we don't know the area or local families.
AIBU to think that at age 12 its still ok to say i want to speak to the hosting parent in this scenario or are we being over protective?

OP posts:
Fairytalefancies · 27/06/2022 19:30

Mine are 13 and 14 and I wouldn't let them go to someone's house without hosting parent contact details... And that is because they aren't mature enough, phone signals can be unreliable and we live in rural location so they cannot just go out

Kite22 · 27/06/2022 19:31

Is your point that because you were fine that every other 12 year old will be fine? If it is it makes no sense at all, if it's not it's what my children would call a boring story from the olden days with nothing to do with now

I'm not the poster you were replying to, but I think what most people are saying is almost all 12 yr olds have a phone and are perfectly capable of going to a friend's house without parents needing to speak to one another.
None of us, ever, can 100% guarantee that nothing terrible is going to happen - we've all read tales of terribly sad things where it could just not be something predicted (car mounts pavement and hits pedestrians / terrorist attack at concert / gas explosion destroys house / etc etc) but you can't go through life not letting your dc grow up because there is a tiny, tiny, statistically unlikely thing that might happen. You look at the whole situation logically, weigh up the risks vs the pros and make a decision.
If you want to refer back to the olden days, then we didn't have phones to use to get help then.
Plus, if you are worried about the home or the other child's parents, then I am not sure how you would gain any knowledge from having a quick phone call with them anyway. You are still in the same position.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/06/2022 19:31

My now 20 y/o 12 was in this situation when he was 12 and he was set up, bullied harassed and intimidated by these kids pretending to be his friend and then turning out to be little shits. He didn't phone me because he said it would've made it worse and I didn't find out about the bullying until a couple of years later so I understand your concerns op.

I too would just want to know that the parents had agreed this and it was all legit, especially if they are not her normal friend group.

Gentleness · 27/06/2022 19:33

If you're over-protective, so am I.

It's too late right now for everyone's expectations to be satisified tomorrow, so you are going to have to decide you'll compromise your standards or you'll risk your daughter being on the out with this group of friends. That kind of decision really stresses me so I have no advice - it just helps me to boil it down to the key issues.

Provenceinthesummer · 27/06/2022 19:34

Those that don’t see any issue probably have not experienced bullying which is great for them. However most people know that 12 yrs can be ruthless.
This is a classic case of absolutely checking all is above board, so your child is safe. You are too far away to hope for the best op.
Even when old very established friends have invited dds, I always drop a line to check they are okay with the plan, out of courtesy firstly but also because I want to be sure my children are safe.

KarrotKake · 27/06/2022 19:38

With the distance, I'd say you are right to be asking for a contact number.
Where DS can walk home, and knows the area, I let this happen. But with his mates who live a bus ride the other side of school to our bus, I ask for parents details.

Loulovey · 27/06/2022 19:39

I absolutely do not think your being overprotective OP. Being overprotective would mean not letting DD attend any friends houses at all. Your not stopping your DD from doing anything. Your just setting bounderies to make you feel at ease and keep her safe whilst letting her be a 12 year old. Your being a parent who cares about keeping her child safe. 12 is still young in my opinion. It should be no skin off anyone's nose if you want the number to speak to a parent and no sane parent would have a problem with that surely. Go with your gut and get the number especially with the issues surrounding bullying, new friends, far away ect. The code word emoji thing is a good idea too for anytime they need you.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/06/2022 19:41

Kite22 · 27/06/2022 19:31

Is your point that because you were fine that every other 12 year old will be fine? If it is it makes no sense at all, if it's not it's what my children would call a boring story from the olden days with nothing to do with now

I'm not the poster you were replying to, but I think what most people are saying is almost all 12 yr olds have a phone and are perfectly capable of going to a friend's house without parents needing to speak to one another.
None of us, ever, can 100% guarantee that nothing terrible is going to happen - we've all read tales of terribly sad things where it could just not be something predicted (car mounts pavement and hits pedestrians / terrorist attack at concert / gas explosion destroys house / etc etc) but you can't go through life not letting your dc grow up because there is a tiny, tiny, statistically unlikely thing that might happen. You look at the whole situation logically, weigh up the risks vs the pros and make a decision.
If you want to refer back to the olden days, then we didn't have phones to use to get help then.
Plus, if you are worried about the home or the other child's parents, then I am not sure how you would gain any knowledge from having a quick phone call with them anyway. You are still in the same position.

You misunderstand my poimt, I also grew up long enough ago that as a child I did pretty much whatever wanted whenever I wanted with little parental input and my children are safely past the age of 12 with siimilar parenting

However it would very foolish of me to tell someone with different circumstances that their child will be fine because I and mine were as the poster who said that seemed to be saying

Vionnet · 27/06/2022 19:42

I've managed to get 3 past this age without EVER speaking to a parent about an after school arrangement like this. I would be pleased they had a friendship group and were maturing in to being able to make arrangements like this in advance. In case anyone thinks it is me being a lax parent, no-one has ever contacted me when youngsters have been at my house either

Was it always the same situation as the OP?

This is not a friendship group. Previous bullying issues, 45 minutes away, the child doesn't know the other kids well and she can struggle socially?

A little caution in THIS situation is hardly overkill - it's just common sense. The OP's hardly suggesting that she camps outside the house.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/06/2022 19:43

Wow. You should offer your services to your local police force if you can tell paedophiles just from their voice - that's a phenomenal skill!

Your comment above illustrates beautifully how easy it is to know what a person is like just from a brief communication. Although the main purpose of the call obviously is to find out whether they are aware the kids will be at their house.

GreenClock · 27/06/2022 19:43

In Y7 I insisted on the host parent details. In Y8, I didn’t. It worked out ok.

QueenCamilla · 27/06/2022 19:55

Wow, I'm shocked!

Of course you should contact the parents. For at least two reasons I can think of:
To avoid the situation where the adults of that house have no idea they're getting a bunch of unsupervised 12 year olds visiting (we frequented homes of late - shift workers to rummage trough their home bar)

To establish if your child is really going to someone's house or hanging around in parks with mates (as well as strangers and pervs) 11, 12 and 13 were my most vulnerable ages as parental supervision was diminishing but pedos absolutely everywhere.

At 14 I told my mum I'm going to my friend's for the weekend. The friend told her parents she'll be at mine. We'll, we hitchiked (!) far, far away to a music festival that weekend...

I'd always check in with the other side, even if just a quick text: Hey, I'm the parent of so and so, I'm here if anythings' up.

balalake · 27/06/2022 20:02

Given your DDs previous bullying, yours is a reasonable request.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 27/06/2022 20:06

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/06/2022 19:12

But how do you know the number is genuine and the person you're speaking to is actually the parent?

I would know whether I was speaking to an adult, and I would be able to gauge whether they sounded ok.

But you don't know that the adult is the parent - that's my point. You could be speaking to anyone - an older sibling, a neighbour, a young aunt/uncle, an older kid from school who's been chucked a fiver to lie to you.

Speaking to a total stranger on the phone won't make any difference to someone's safety.

CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 20:07

It’s very common going to peoples homes after school without speaking or meeting the parents but I too would feel a bit worried.

As a PP said even if you speak to them you won’t know if she’s safe.

I personally would get her to text you when she’s there and make sure she’s at the address she said.
If she changes addresses she needs to let you know.
Id also be texting her every hour to make sure she’s ok.
And I’d be making an excuse as to why I need to be in the area and so you can pick her up anytime.

Isitsixoclockalready · 27/06/2022 20:11

She's 12, she's your daughter and whilst it's fair enough for others to give opinions as you've asked for them, if you feel uncomfortable then that's your decision. You have her best interests at heart and she is your responsibility - not that of anyone on here.

SuperTea · 27/06/2022 20:15

drpet49 · 27/06/2022 18:08

I’m with you OP. It is a red flag that they won’t give a phone number.

I think it's highly unlikely that he number has been refused. Much more likely that DD hasn't asked.

Assuming DD can contact you herself if needed, I think it's fine.

Mally100 · 27/06/2022 20:17

Anoooshka · 27/06/2022 18:05

Until something goes wrong. Then everyone will say that she was negligent.

Exactly. This is a child and op needs to know these details.

Provenceinthesummer · 27/06/2022 20:21

kite I think you are severely underestimating what can happen at this age. This could be a setup to bully, harass or hurt ops dd, it could be filmed or used to bribe her. Without knowing if any parents will be present - how can anyone guarantee the safety of this child? A phone won’t help her in this scenario but an adult would.

i know of a girl in my year that met up with the cool girls after school and they beat her up in the orchard. It was horrible, and she eventually left.

As parents of children - and they are children at 12 the onus is on us to be responsible and know who they are with, especially with grooming on line. It’s not the 70s any longer!

BlankTimes · 27/06/2022 20:26

This is not a friendship group. Previous bullying issues, 45 minutes away, the child doesn't know the other kids well and she can struggle socially?

^ This, absolutely. At worst, it's some sort of set-up.

And for everyone assuming and saying a child is fine 45 mins away from home in an unknown location because they have their phone with them going into that situation, what's to stop someone with ill-intentions taking their phone off them when they arrive?

I'm so pleased there are so many trusting parents on here who can't see anything unusual with this situation, but those of us who have had bullied children see the need for caution.

Peaseblossum22 · 27/06/2022 20:34

I can understand your concerns however the flip side is that if she is not allowed to go and it is a shared activity then she will miss out. This could be an opportunity for her.

Why don’t you agree to her going after school for a couple of hours ( after alL it’s not a sleepover or anything) you could make up some excuse about needing to pick her up at 6 , that way she gets to be part of the group and walk home after school with them etc but she’s not staying all evening .

Walkingalot · 27/06/2022 20:35

You are not being over protective. There are numerous reasons to have their number. My DS's friends ask for my number for their own DM's and I do the same. If nothing else, it shares a level of engagement on both sets of parents to safeguard the kids.

TheOnlyAletheia · 27/06/2022 20:39

coffeecupsandfairylights · 27/06/2022 18:34

I bet the DD hasn't asked for a phone number - because it would be HUGELY embarrassing to be the one who had to get mummy involved.

Show quote history

What coffee said

VestaTilley · 27/06/2022 20:45

YANBU, at all, especially given what’s happened to your DD in the past.

Can you take her so you can at least see the parents on arrival? If your DD doesn’t know these girls well I’d be a bit reluctant. If they’re all playing with Warhammer or something it’s probably fine, but my DM wouldn’t let me go to the houses of people she didn’t know at that age, and I wouldn’t be keen on my DS to do so either.

If she’s been bullied in the past do you know this isn’t some set up by people just pretending to be her friends?

AMindNeedsBooks · 27/06/2022 20:55

The people saying their kids got through this stage fine! My goodness, my parents still don't know I was robbed and raped in my very early teens because I said I was somewhere I wasn't and they never checked. I was a child not much older than the OPs child. Safe guard your CHILDREN and count yourself lucky if genuinely nothing untoward has happened you don't know about.

My children respect the fact I have always spoken to an adult because they know I care about them and they are (apologies for repeating myself) CHILDREN. Their friends parents are the same.