To say no to 12 year old going to friends house without parents details?

[ddeey]

Key facts:
12 year old DD has been invited to a friends house straight from school and would like to be collected at 8pm.
DD does not hang around with these kids at school but they have a shared interest. The idea is that a group of them will be going to the house tomorrow for this shared activity.
I have the address, but asked DD to get a phone no for the hosting parent as wanted to message them. DD says she has asked but has not been given one. Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night.
For context, DD has been bullied previously and can struggle socially at times. Importantly (i feel) we live 45 mins away from where she will be as she goes to school a fair way away. So we don't know the area or local families.
AIBU to think that at age 12 its still ok to say i want to speak to the hosting parent in this scenario or are we being over protective?

I would absolutely want to contact the parents first in these circumstances. She hasn't been there before, not established friendships and far away. Any one of these would make me want to speak to the parents first at 12 years old but particularly all 3.

This too. My parents never checked. Ok, I was being sneaky but I was a child and anything could have happened to me. My now teens have never had an issue with me checking with the other parent because they understand I just want them to be safe.

TheYearOfSmallThings - Well you obviously did this, but perhaps you shouldn't make the assumption that all teenagers do.

Nor would it be smart to assume they will not do the things many teenagers do. It would be responsible to check until you feel they can handle themselves.

Of course I did.

But how do you know the number is genuine and the person you're speaking to is actually the parent?

Because if they were going to town DD would say "we're going to town and then back to a friend's house". Unless her mum doesn't let her go to town of course ... (which would also be overprotective at age 12).

You can't make the assumption they don't. A vulnerable young girl is at risk being pushed into things like this even if they don't seek it for themselves like many other teenagers. We all give opinions based on experiences and I'm giving mine as a young girl.

She’s 12, the house is 45 minutes away, she hasn’t been there before, these aren’t her regular friends and she’s been bullied in the past?

This, plus this - Two of the kids have been reminding her today that she should be there tomorrow night

...plus the fact that they aren't actually friends as such, would make me more protective here.

12 year olds can be a really mixed bag - some of very mature, some are still pretty childish, some lack responsibility and so on. They aren't older teenagers, she doesn't know the area and you're 45 minutes away - I don't think YWBU to speak with someone.

When I was in secondary school, my friends lived in the other side of town.

We didn't have mobile phones and stuff and my mum allowed me to use my own judgement.

I'm fine.

I do not expect to meet and call every parent in high school that my daughter goes to for tea etc.

I just want yo know where she is and what Tim to pick her up etc.

I agree.

Agree with this. And I'm not generally overprotective, but the if I had a child who had previously been bullied and was going to the house of an 'unknown' (to me) child, I'd want to be as certain as I could be that the other kids weren't planning to involve her in something other than a wholesome activity at one of their houses.

I would let her go

It might not make any difference, but what's the shared activity, OP?

'Major red flag!'

What? This child is 12, not 4! They have to grow up at this age and I see no flag of any colour, let alone a major or red one!

Honestly some of the parents here are staggering! No wonder we're turning into a nation of snowflakes.

Major red flag indeed!

But how do you know the number is genuine and the person you're speaking to is actually the parent?

I would know whether I was speaking to an adult, and I would be able to gauge whether they sounded ok.

Overprotective. Though i can understand why given the previous bullying.

If dd has a phone i would tell her to make sure it is charged and to call you if any changes. I have heard of people having a secret code with teens if they want an excuse to leave. Eg a particular emoji or a phrase such as asking after a relative who doesnt exist, you then phone and say get organised something has come up and we need to leave. Might be useful if she ever does need picked up early until she knows she can trust this group of friends.

I would be able to gauge whether they sounded ok.

Wow. You should offer your services to your local police force if you can tell paedophiles just from their voice - that's a phenomenal skill!

Or do you imagine perves talk whilst heavy breathing and peppering the conversation with cackling laughter and double entendres?

I hate talking to people I don't know on the phone, so get nervous and either clam up or talk too much. I suspect you would think I was "dodgy".

Seriously - you really can't tell if someone is ok or not from talking to them briefly on the phone!

Unfortunately if you send your child to school a long way from your house they end up with friends a long way from your house. How does she normally get to and from school? If she is ok with public transport then its even less of a worry as she can just catch the bus home and ring you to let you know she has left early.

Major red flag for what ???

I've managed to get 3 past this age without EVER speaking to a parent about an after school arrangement like this. I would be pleased they had a friendship group and were maturing in to being able to make arrangements like this in advance.
In case anyone thinks it is me being a lax parent, no-one has ever contacted me when youngsters have been at my house either.

Is your point that because you were fine that every other 12 year old will be fine? If it is it makes no sense at all, if it's not it's what my children would call a boring story from the olden days with nothing to do with now

Totally agree.

This.

There’s No way I would agree to this, phone number or not. Why are they so keen for someone they’re not friends with, to get able to meet up? Just sounds far too fishy. If she does go, set up ‘find iPhone ‘ so you can check where she is.

It's perfectly reasonable to want a contact number/name for the parent. I'm fairly lenient about my 12 yo going out and wandering about and visiting houses nearby, but I always know where he is and who he's with.

I don't think you're being overprotective - she's 12, not 15!

I would tell her that unless you have the phone number of the hosting parent before the end of school tomorrow, then she needs to come home as usual. If the host child really wants her there, then surely they'll be happy to provide the number if your DD texts them this evening?