I was really rude and possibly discriminatory to my boss. What should I do?

[Iottie]

NC.

I was in our Monday team zoom meeting. We somehow got onto the Roe v Wade ruling.

My boss is extremely right wing. He was saying how he supported the ruling, it should have never been made in the first place, life begins at conception, bla bla bla etc.

I am the only woman on the team and I was getting more and more irate. I blurted out something I probably shouldn’t have. I can’t remember exactly but it was something along the lines of:

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

There was a really awkward silence before we moved onto another topic.

Right, so I could have been more polite and nuanced in my point, but now I am terrified I discriminated against him by referencing his sexuality.

I know I really shouldn’t have mentioned it - I could have said the same thing without bringing it up but I just got more and more wound up by a bunch of men agreeing with each other instigated by him.

As I mentioned my boss is really right wing so I don’t think he’d report me for being discriminatory as he calls diversity and inclusion bollocks anyway. But if he does I know I could be in big trouble.

What do I do? I don’t know if I should message him apologising but that might just bring more attention to it…?

Regardless of his right wing views or you being the only woman in the group,though I don't see the point in mentioning that ,did it have any bearing on your outburst?
You should not have brought his sexuality into it or told him he won't care because of it.
You crossed a line but will probably get away with it.

Never talk about sex politics or religion at work no matter how well you know everyone. There is nothing to be gained. Even if they raise any of them, do not engage.

If as OP says they're used to talking about political issues then he didn't say anything wrong. If she takes exception to it then perhaps she can restrict discussions to people she agrees with on topics they all agree about.

Having a discussion with people about contentious issues will always cause disagreement unless you're all of a mind in which case it's not contentious. OP needs to restrict her conversation to the weather if she's going to flare up if someone says something she disagrees with.

Everyone has the protected characteristic of sex otherwise the protected characteristic in the EA 2010 would be women/female.

OK, pedantic person.

"He created a hostile work environment for you, the only person there for whom your protected characteristic of sex meant that this was hostile to you, the only person there who could ever need an abortion / may for all he knew have had an abortion in the past."

Your opinion holds just as much weight as any other woman's. Your sexuality is irrelevant.

FFS, as a lesbian radfem who's been involved all my life in women's rights of course I support women's right to autonomy over their bodies, including abortion. But as a woman who has never had to worry about contraception or lose sleep over the fact that I might be pregnant I can't say I have the same experience or in-depth understanding of the issue as straight women who run a far higher risk of an unwanted pregnancy or needing an abortion for medical reasons. It's the difference between being a white person who speaks out against racism despite never having experienced it and not understanding the nuances, and being a person of colour who experiences it on a daily basis. As I said, I support abortion but I wouldn't expect, as a woman who's never had to think about pregnancy, to be taken as seriously on the subject as women who ran a real risk of needing one.

Why do you keep telling me to wake up and enter the 21st century? If you've been to any of the women's rights events held over the last few years — FiLia, WPUK, anti-Trump protests — you'd have found me there. Stop being so ageist and condescending.

Bingo

“Well, what’s it to you? You’re a gay man so it has no bearing on you whatsoever but it is going to impact millions of often poor and vulnerable women. Men should have no say over women’s bodies.”

Brilliant. Well done. 💪. If he can speak out so can you. Don't apologise and don't miss a beat. I'm sure everyone will be secretly respecting you.

I wonder what his view would be if he and his partner rented a womb from one of us 'uterus owners' and the pregnancy/foetal development went horribly wrong and an abortion was advised? ......hmmmm I wonder...

And I'd never complain of discrimination if a straight women told me to butt out because it wasn't my issue.

But it would be your issue if A) you wanted a child and B) you believed that just because you might not personally want one, gay parents' views are just as important as heterosexual parents' views.

Plenty of straight women are single, celibate, infertile, or have sex rarely.

Rapists don't tend to check if you're a lesbian first.

You unfortunately run just as much of a risk of needing urgent access to abortion as any other woman of childbearing age.

Your opinion is just as important and just as valid as any other woman's.

@1000Pieces - his gender & sexuality are absolutely 100% relevant in the context of Roe v Wade. The OPs insticts were correct in this situation and I hope the terms of her employment are not negatively impacted.

No man should start pontificating about the virtues of overturning Roe and then claim ignorance about the suffering that will be inflicted on thousands of women across America as a result. The fact that he is in a same sex relationship makes his statements even more problematic.

Do not apologise!
yes maybe bringing up the sexuality wasn’t fantastic but really you were simply conveying that he won’t ever be in a situation we’re he is the dad and the mother aborts his baby.

Regardless of that I personally think that the US is a weird bubble in itself. It seems they can never agree to something basic.
the overturning of this ruling is ridiculous the same way abortion past probably 20ish weeks (I say ish because I don’t know if it should be 20, 23 or 25 - please don’t come at the number) is unless in a specific circumstances.

I have autoimmune conditions which are lifelong since I was 11 and I’m really really glad I am not in the US. Firstly because my medical supplies would cost me $3,000+ a month but lastly because my conditions put me straight into high risk pregnancy even on a good day, whereas on a bad day it can be life threatening for both me and/or any baby.
Many women with the same condition/s (and there are very many) are at very high risk especially if said pregnancy isn’t carefully planned in advance.
Also… sex education is extremely limited in the US and in some places non existent. For God’s sake some believe you can’t get pregnant the first time, if you pull out, or if you’re not married (the fuck?!).
I saw a very conservative girl tell another who was struggling to do it “ doggy style” as that’s what she done and will deffo get pregnant 🫣. (They both have the same condition as me)

You think these people I just described will be able to plan the pregnancy properly so that risk is limited for their life?
Just to clarify the risk is also for the baby as they are almost guaranteed to have all sorts of problems if care is not taken 12 weeks pre-conception and in the first 12 weeks when all of the baby organs are developing.

Many people don’t even know they’re pregnant way too late into the 1st trimester!

People often view things from a very restricted lens without understanding it’s implications.
Ok.. rant over.

Why do you keep telling me to wake up and enter the 21st century? If you've been to any of the women's rights events held over the last few years FiLia, WPUK, anti-Trump protests you'd have found me there. Stop being so ageist and condescending.

@Pluvia where did I tell you to get into the 21st Century? How is saying 'wake up' ageist? Where did I 'keep telling' you anything, I said this once.

As I said in my last paragraph, the issue surround abortion isn't simply about terminating unwanted pregnancies. It affects anyone who wants contraception or to undergo IVF as there are plans in place to also restrict/ban these. Therefore I stand by my point that it is as much a lesbian issue as any other sexual orientation a woman is.

@TeapotTitties
Gay men dont have children. They either impregnate a woman when they are pretending they are not gay or they impregnate a woman as a one off because they want a child or they rent a womb. I am not against gay men fathering or adopting kids just making the point that gay men cannot have kids. Contraception and abortion should not be decided by men.

Neither his gender nor his sexuality are remotely relevant.

His SEX is, though.

I am not against gay men fathering or adopting kids just making the point that gay men cannot have kids. Contraception and abortion should not be decided by men.

NO men can have kids, therefore the OP bringing up the fact he's gay just to close him down was discriminatory.

You unfortunately run just as much of a risk of needing urgent access to abortion as any other woman of childbearing age.

This is nonsense. It might be true if you were comparing me with all the other women who have never had sex with a man. It's patently false when comparing me to the 'average woman'. Please do some reading on risk calculation.

And I'd never complain of discrimination if a straight women told me to butt out because it wasn't my issue.

But it would be your issue if A) you wanted a child and B) you believed that just because you might not personally want one, gay parents' views are just as important as heterosexual parents' views.

A) I've made it plain that I don't want a child and B) I've not mentioned gay parents' rights. Did I miss the post in which the OP reveals that the man who spoke in the meeting was a parent? It's the woman's right to choose: her body, her choice.

I don't think you were wrong OP.

Men do not get a say in this. If they don't like the idea of abortion, they make sure they only have unprotected sex with a woman who wants a baby with them. It's not hard.

Gay men don't have sex with women anyway, so their role in my view is to ensure that they are not bystanders to male sexual aggression towards women.

It’s odd to discuss abortion at work, but if you can’t discuss it calmly do n’t discuss it at all.

NO men can have kids, therefore the OP bringing up the fact he's gay just to close him down was discriminatory.

Men can have children insofar as they contribute sperm and can, once the child is born, nurture and care for it. But men can't conceive, bear or give birth to a child and they don't suffer the physical and emotional and financial damage that women do as a result of childbearing. Nor do they bear the brunt of society's expectation that they will stick around and parent their children faithfully for 18 years+.

Men do not get a say in this

by this logic then only fertile American women have a say. Are you one? As if not you get no say either. So you can also shut it. As you’ve no right to comment either if you will not be having a baby. Becayse you can’t argue a gay man should be silenced as he won’t be having a child any more than you can argue that an infertile woman has to be silenced for the same reason.

this desire to silence people based on gender, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, is very dangerous and is heinous.

It didn't just come up. He brought it up deliberately, not simply because he his celebrating the decision but also to remind you where you stand as a woman. It was intentional and it is domineering behavior on his part.

There's been a lot of this but I find it preferable to the "it's not that big of a deal" people or the "it's really about the law" people.

I am reminded of the scene in Handmaid's Tale when her debit card is declined at the coffee shop and the male barista is openly rude to her. To remind her of her new place.

His behavior was extremely inappropriate and unprofessional. I'm sorry you have to work with him .

As if not you get no say either. So you can also shut it.

this desire to silence people based on gender, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, is very dangerous and is heinous.

I assume you mean sex, not gender. Bit ripe, surely, to complain about silencing after you've told someone else to shut it.

It's not a topic that should have been raised as I'm guessing it has no impact on the work. The suggestion early on to raise this as something with HR. You were disappointed, appalled and responded without having a chance to reflect on the nuance you would have preferred to use. Men might have an opinion on abortion but it is not medical care for them and they must conceded to women's bodily autonomy. He sounds obnoxious.