My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

@Lola4321

I am far more worried about your blaze' acceptance of them drinking, even saying you enjoy their tipsy chats. Your son is 16!!! 16 years old!! He is a child! Take some parental responsibility and stop encouraging dangerous underage drinking. This country has a serious drinking problem and it starts with permissive parents like you. There is no way I would ever accept my children drinking and they know that. Yes, they might do it, but I don't encourage it like you do. You seem more interested in being the 'cool mum' or their friend, rather than the adult and guiding mother.

I have friends who's parents were like you, mine were like the OP.
I very rarely drink, I drank at parties from probably 16 and then obviously while going out clubbing after that.
My friends who were not allowed to drink are the ones who now drink very regularly.
Much safer to accept it's going to happen anyway (because they will just do it behind your back) and that they can safely call you for a lift home if needed. Than you get drunk behind your back and end up in situations were they can't rely on you because they know you will be angry at them.

You sound like a fantastic mum who your son knows he can rely on and trust implicitly.

Your 'DP' however, can get in the sea with his jealous nonsense. I'm sure he'll be very happy. After all, he's the perfect man in his own deluded mind

Tell him to shut up or get out.

So you are subsidising his kids holidays and running them around when they are at yours yet he thinks he has the right to criticise your kids?

Get this horrid cocklodger out now.

You are being a normal parent. Your partner has issues. He sounds jealous of your kids. I can only assume they don't get on great.

@adult so much this. My parents were very like OP. My late husband's were super strict. It wasn't me who ended up addicted to alcohol. I am glad my kids didn't drink before age 18 and now drink very little or not at all, but I have also taken an approach similar to OP's. Crackdowns encourage secrecy and damage communication.

I think you’ve misunderstood. He has never been drunk that he can’t talk or keep control of himself or vomiting his guts up. Not that I have a massive issue if he did. I’d rather he realised that alcohol is dangerous under my roof than when he leaves home for first time for colleg/uni or whatever. I went to uni at it was very clear the kids that had never been allowed a drink before, they were paralytic night one, having to go to a&e. That’s def not a route I’m taking. It’s about making safe choices and realising the dangers while I am here to pick up the pieces. He takes 2 cans with him like that the other kids do. He’s not stupid and he always looks out for his mates if they’ve had too many. It is a reality that there is underage drinking in the uk and other countries. You can either pretend it’s not happening in which case your children will lie to you and do it anyway, or you can be pragmatic and sensible and your kids will probably not be that interested.

@morekidsthanhands1 well said, and that is exactly where I stand.

@Lola4321

sorry if missed but going to take a wild punt that you don’t have children?

Anyone harping on about their own childhood from presumably 80/70/60s and making no mention of how they parent generally has very forthright and black/white opinions on parenting, which us parents find a mix of funny and daft.

My issue with the OP is that I can’t conceive of allowing such a toxic person in to my childrens’ lives. Utterly incomprehensible actually

So sensible re alcohol
but what the heck are you teaching them about relationships by having him in your life and forcing him in to your childrens lives?

I am be fascinated to know your situation @Lola4321 and how this drives your perspective on this issue

Why are you cleaning DP’s kids’ mess? Why can’t their father do it if he won’t make them clean?

have I got this wrong

You don’t have children
You live alone
You don’t have nieces and nephews or if you do - you don’t have a close if any relationship with them
You are sure as heck not a teacher and have very little to none involvement with older children / teens
You don’t have a partner or if you do - they don’t have children / teens

be honest - I am correct aren’t I?

My concern about the OP’s parenting is allowing such a negative and toxic person in to the lives and home of her children.

@Lola4321 I'd be interested too, because you seem so very invested in the drink issue, but you consider giving your child lifts when you live very rurally to be 'spoiling' them and suggest that biking along unlit roads very late at night would be perfectly safe. I mean, you can't have it both ways.

You also seem to have very little grasp of the realities of life, which are that teenagers will drink if they want to, and that it is more unsafe for them to do it in secrecy. Your ideal - that no-one should drink under 18 - is laudable, but not realistic. So are you currently a parent of teens?

FWIW the students my kids are at uni with who drink until they end up sick and/or in A&E are the ones who were never allowed any at home, not the ones who did some 'underage' drinking.

So how come you have harped on about your own children

but not once how YOU actually parent?

and let’s face it, you were never going to be honest were you? 😂

harped on about your own childhood

The fact that your kids walk or take the bus during the daytime shows that they are not entitled at all. As does the fact that the 16 year old has got off his arse and got himself a summer job. He sounds like a good kid. Tell your partner to worry about his own kids and leave yours alone.

Apologies for derailing further OP, but I was 16 in the 70s. LOTS of people of that age drank, lots, including in pubs. Many were working full time and a few were married and/or parents themselves (couple of school friends got their Ruby Wedding anniversary in well before reaching 60) Another few I knew joined the Forces at that age. I'm pretty certain they all drank on occasion.

A couple of beers and a lift home from Mum at 11.30 is far from indicating an extreme and appalling slide into alcoholism is likely.

Your first post is about the walking issue
then when a poster pointed out something you had missed
you floundered around for another reason

you don’t have children. You don’t work with children. You have very limited experience. And you’re bored on a Sunday, alone and thought you’d “educate” us parents.