Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

296 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 01:11

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 26/06/2022 10:01

DangerouslyBored · 26/06/2022 09:26

What are you whanging on about?

Show quote history

Blended families with and moved in to her childrens home… a cretin

pointythings · 26/06/2022 10:03

Your DP is an ass. Set him straight: he doesn't ever get to criticise your parenting of your kids. End of. And if he does it again, boot him.

IVbumble · 26/06/2022 10:10

He's jealous OP & if you keep him around his insecurities will destroy your relationship with your DC because he either didn't have a good relationship with his parents or he can't have a good relationship with his DC.

You deserve to have a DP who loves you as much as your DD did.

GoldenSongbird · 26/06/2022 10:14

The person you need boundaries with is your DP. He's wrong on so many levels.

Giving your DS a lift, letting them celebrate the end of school, having a relationship with their friends - that's all good parenting. You're reminding me of my parents. They were always so welcoming and supportive of my friends. I'd often come home to find one of my friends sitting chatting to my parents Grin

Your DP is neither a good step-parent nor a good partner.

AmaryIlis · 26/06/2022 10:15

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 08:58

Just been into his kids room at my house. They’ve left it in a mess. Now that’s entitled! To leave it to me to clear up. My children all get up, make their own beds, (not immediately) bring their laundry and all the glasses and plates they’ve collected down! And help out round the house with small chores like dishes washer, sweeping kitchen floor and setting and clearing tables and helping fold their own laundry. My DS who’s been out last night will be walking the dogs today for me. I’m sorry but I think I have the right balance here.

Tell him he needs better boundaries with his children.

Jumperoo56370000 · 26/06/2022 10:16

You sound like a great mum. Keep being you.

AmaryIlis · 26/06/2022 10:18

my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.

This is the root of it all. It's not that he actually has any concerns about your children's boundaries, it's simply that he wants your attention to be focused on him. He needs to learn that, if he starts a relationship with someone with children, their children will be their priority. If he can't hack that, then he needs to look elsewhere.

5128gap · 26/06/2022 10:23

Does your DS speak to you with respect? Do things you ask of him? Is he largely pleasant and considerate? Are you happy generally with how much you do for him, and feel able to say no if needed? If so you don't need to be tough for the sake of it and your DP is wrong.
If not, it might be your DP is picking up on a pattern of behaviour that takes advantage of you and is 'spoiling' your DS.
Your actions this weekend sound perfectly reasonable, but context is key.

Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 10:24

You’re totally right. His kids are def not the issue. They are very sweet kids. Older one often rings asking me to help with her homework. She’s year 10. I already noted all her exam boards like I’d did my own kids so I can help guide them with revision aids if they want. I am interested in their lives. I even drove DSD and her friend to Thorpe park once, an hour from us, as it was detour on my way to see my mum and none of other parents would/could take them. I do school runs on days they are with us. I take them on holiday, and pay the majority of the holiday cost. My DP earns a lot less than me. I am putting it down to him feeling neglected as I was out 2 nights this week too, one friend bday and other I took my DS to see Ed Sheeran as bday gift. I will talk to him later. Usually he is very kind and involved and does a lot of the lifts for my kids to clubs and after school stuff for me, helps out as he should. Maybe something triggered a response like that last night. But I can see this being an issue if we don’t talk as I am def not going to stop giving my kids lifts. And anyway, we are kid free every other weekend so what’s the drama!!!

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 26/06/2022 10:25

Sounds like you have the unicorn of teenagers. Focused enough to work hard and sensible enough to have fun with their friends without it resulting in alcohol poisoning. Is he jealous? Does he he think your kids are showing his up?
With lifts It’s a balance. I know of someone who drives her daughter around waiting outside while they pick friends up/grab some shoes/get her hair done these things can take hours. On the other hand I know it’s very unlikely but if you left one of those teenagers to walk home and they went missing/got mugged etc you’d never forgive yourself. I think you sound lovely and kind but not a total mug. Tell your DP to do one.

Sisisimone · 26/06/2022 10:27

My mum has started insisting she picks me up from the odd night out I have now as post covid taxis are so scarce. I'm 51! I do the same for her when she meets friends so I know she's home safe and not waiting around for a cab. It's what people who love and care for each other do. You sound like a lovely mum, please don't stop prioritising your children because some arsehole is jealous you are not spending the time with him. Honestly, he sounds awful. You need to set him straight and tell him never to criticise your parenting again. The fact that he has got you thinking you should now just tell your kids to find their own way home when they don't have the options to do so is really worrying

SunshineFace · 26/06/2022 10:29

You're a great mum!!!

Lola4321 · 26/06/2022 10:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/06/2022 10:32

You sound so lovely!! Like a great mum and step mum, he is completely out of order, but you say he isn't normally like this so have a conversation with him, tell him how you feel and point out that he is being unreasonable. If it continues then it's time for him to go

Lalliella · 26/06/2022 10:34

You are one zillion per cent not being unreasonable! My DD is 16 and just finished exams and I would go to the ends of the earth ferrying her to and from parties and shopping and friends’ houses and holidays for the next few weeks. They’ve had a totally shit 2 years with covid and exams, they deserve to enjoy themselves a bit.

Your DP is NOT your DS’s father! So he doesn’t get to have a say. He sounds a bit pathetic, jealous and selfish with his comments that you haven’t spent much time with him. And controlling. And a total fun sponge. Put your kids first OP, always.

Lalliella · 26/06/2022 10:41

You sound like a great mum. The sort of mum whose kids will come to you with anything because you can communicate with them on their level. The sort of mum who doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Great work OP!

Lalliella · 26/06/2022 10:42

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 08:47

DP is not my childrens dad. Luckily! When I was growing up my dad always took me and picked me up from parties. Even in my adult life, if I was driving anywhere from their house, he would ask me to call to say I got there safely. He passed away a few years ago and one of the first things that hit me after he’d gone was that I didn’t have to message him to say I was home. And I cried like a baby. He was such an amazing caring man. My kids know that I will always pick and collect them from parties. I love the tipsy chats we have in the car about who snogged who and who likes who. I know all their friends as they’re often round mine. The friend I took home last night was telling me about the girl who likes but they don’t have “labels” yet but he really like her and he wants to put a “label” on their relationship. New phrase learnt by me and lovely insight into the minds of teenage boys. Who are get all the same butterflies girls do about relationships. Plus my son asks me advice and I just get to talk to them freely and play some awful times for them!! I am hurt and baffled by the outrage of my DP. His gripe seems to be me giving other kids lifts home saying it’s a joke, their parents should do it. But sadly not all parents do and I’m standing there with my DS and his mates, knowing they’re having to find their own way home. It just doesn’t sit right in my head to drive off and leave them! It’s only a small part of their lives and hopefully when they are parents they will do the same as it’s what they were given.
There is very little for 15-17 TR1 olds to go or go except each other’s homes and they can’t drive so what other choice do they have. I’m literally over the moon that he has such a varied and lovely group of friends that he socialises with and that I’ve met most of them. My otter DS age 15, hardly goes out at all since lockdown etc and has had friendship issues at school which is really tough.
DP hasn’t really spoken to me today but he is taking his kids home early to their mum instead as his DS has plans with friends and he has decided his DS might as well go home, rather than spend a day with dad?? Anyway let’s see how things are later and if he sees he is being the odd one here

I meant to quote this with my last comment!

pointythings · 26/06/2022 10:43

@Lola4321 overreaction much? Short of locking her DS up, OP isn't going to be able to stop him from having a few drinks at post GCSE parties. It's not ideal, but it's also not something to get so hysterical about. OP's DS isn't getting leglessly drunk, he clearly has limits. To be a parent, you have to accept that you live in the real world and that you can't keep your kids in a bubble.

ForestofD · 26/06/2022 10:51

I also live in the middle of nowhere. Driving, sadly, is a big part of my life.
When I pick up, I also check how everyone is getting home.

I think you are doing a fine job.

DangerouslyBored · 26/06/2022 10:54

@Lola4321 get a grip 🙄

CityCommuter · 26/06/2022 10:55

@morekidsthanhands1 you sound like a great Mum to me with the right approach. All the rings you've stated are important for teenagers to have for a well balanced life - doing exams, going out and having summer jobs. I have the same attitude with my kids and it works. It's important for them to have down time and to socialise and for them to be safe so one of our jobs as parents is to provide lifts to 16 year olds who might be tipsy!

Your DP has the wrong attitude and needs to seriously back off with his opinions about how you parent your kids! His children are not like yours but they should be! Being stuck in their rooms with laptops and not seeing friends is not the way to go at all... can he not understand that?

Lola4321 · 26/06/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nanny0gg · 26/06/2022 10:55

morekidsthanhands1 · 26/06/2022 01:11

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

He's jealous and that's deeply unattractive.

You're doing what every parent I know, does.

Ignore (or dump)

Buythebag · 26/06/2022 10:55

You're just a mum doing what mums do. And dads too.

We have 3 teens and life is one big taxi service atm - roll on eldest ds passing his test (but then he'll be off to uni anyway 😂

Lola4321 · 26/06/2022 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.