My DP says I have no boundaries with my kids

[morekidsthanhands1]

so DP started criticising my parenting this eve. My eldest DS is 16 and just finished GCSEs and past 2 nights been at friends houses hanging out. He obvs doesn’t drive, there’s a train strike to public transport patchy, we live middle nowhere (would be 3 mile walk home from station on unlit roads with patches that have no footpath) and friends he went to last night and tonight also long walk from
nearest station. I know DS will have a couple of beers, I decide it’s first weekend post exams, but been out at all during exams except to kick a football around and PlayStation to let off steam. No parties. I offer to drive and drop and pick. Inevitably I get asked if I can give lifts to other friends, I say fine but can they get dropped at ours for me to take. Last night I pick him up and 2 friends were going to get train home but one little tipsy so I say I would be happy to drop off at home. Tonight party friend asked for lift so I agreed. Tho turns out his parents were waiting for him to call them to come collect. Anyway I don’t mind snd id rather see these kids home safely. If shoe on other foot I’d be vv grateful for anyone bringing my DS home. My DP tonight tells me I am bringing up my kids entitled and they are using me and I have no boundaries as I let DS go out 2 nights in row. I say it’s first weekend after exams so am letting him cut loose a little but dec don’t expect to be doing this all summer. Plus DS starts summer job next week so won’t be out all the time. He says I have no control. I def do have control but I also want my teens to be able to go out and enjoy themselves, when they’ve worked hard for exams. I can see his point a little but maybe I should be telling my DS to find his own way home. I picked him up tonight at 11 and last night 11:30.
my DP says I haven’t spent any time with him this weekend as been driving my own kids around.
new have 5 between us his kids teens but don’t ever got out or see friends when with us, spend whole time on their laptops in their room, even tho I’ve offered many times to have their friends over, DP doesn’t encourage it.
i am maybe going involved in kids lives? I should be tougher mum? Tell them get on with it and get yourself to and from places at night.
daytime we have bus service so they use that or walk but nighttime, I don’t know??? Maybe I should let them like my DP says I should

Your DS will be driving himself (or one of his friends will) before long so it's likely this current situation will change. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

DP vs kids and you need to ask who to choose? As soon as I read the thread title, it was OBVIOUS he isn't their dad and it took me a few seconds to locate the (predicted by me) bit where he's jealous of them: ("you're not spending time with me because of them")

Be like your dad, your kids are your priority. You've been taught by the best.You obviously love being there for them and looking after them. This man is their competition.

Be a tiger mom. make your dad proud and ditch this piece of crap

@Lola4321 ah, the good old days, when everything was so much better and the menz got pandered to by their handmaidens.

OP is an adult. She is allowed to offer her kids lift, and it's a responsible thing to do. It's a very different world now compared to 'the good old days'. DP doesn't get to sulk about it. And no, he doesn't have a point - they are not his kids so he gets no say.

I don't see anywhere that the OP is encouraging her DS to drink to excess. Saying she loves the tipsy chats does not mean she is pouring booze down his throat to get to have one. You may think she should be speaking to him with stern disapproval when he drinks - but that will achieve the grand sum of absolutely nothing. There's a continuum between being a completely permissive doormat and being a draconian dictator - OP seems to sit on a sensible middle ground.

I thoroughly enjoyed talking to my DD when she was in hospital awaiting an appendectomy and stoned out of her mind on morphine. It was like a free comedy show. Doesn't mean I'm going to get her drugs, does it?

This!
You’re doing what a loving mother would do. He can F off. Show him the door.

You’re being a great Mum & responsible parent. You’re also building bridges for when they fly the nest, as they will do in a few years.
Sadly your partner is jealous of your children. You will be in a ‘Piggy in the Middle’ situation unless you make a stand now. Always trying to please your DP but also wanting to help your children.
You need to set your own boundary with him. You will parent them in your own way. If it is going to cause an issue for him, he needs to decide if he wants to continue being your DP. Good Luck.

She says that they live in the middle of nowhere, 3 miles from the station, unlit roads with areas with no footpath.

I'm all for kids being as independent as possible, but some lifts in those circumstances hardly seems unreasonable.

@Lola4321 you don't know where OP lives. In many rural areas, distances are so long that walking isn't an option. Public transport is often not available. I mean, I live in a town and if you're reliant on public transport, you're stuck after 5 pm. Imagine living in a properly rural area where you have a bus twice a day on a weekday. Taxis cost a fortune. So your options are 1) don't go out at all, or 2) have a lovely mum to give you lifts. If doing your children a kindness after a very stressful exam period is 'spoiling' them, I really feel for your kids. Giving your son lifts isn't being a handmaiden, it's being a good parent. Pandering to a sulky partner's butthurt - that's being a handmaiden. Especially since he's no parenting paragon himself.

And ideally no, a 16yo wouldn't drink. But again, this is immediately after a stressful period when parties happen. There's nothing in OP's post to suggest her DS drinks excessively on a regular basis. You clearly have a thing about alcohol - may I suggest some counselling? I'm a survivor of an abusive marriage to an alcoholic, and I know the damage alcohol does. I also know it's part of the world we live in and we need to pick our battles. I have 3 kids - one doesn't drink at all, the other two have only very recently started exploring it. All are over 18, but they have all grown up with fellow teens who drank at 16. Not one has an alcohol problem now. A sense of proportionality is needed, and yours has gone AWOL.

Not his kids then not his business. If you're happy to drive your own kids then that's all there is to it!!

DP sounds like the baby, here - he's the having one having an entitled little tantrum because you're helping your children out rather than devoting all your time to him.

I'd be sending that one on his way.

I have 2 DS (18 & 23) and would still do this if asked as not a regular thing. I, like you, would rather them be safe. I have always offered lifts and sometimes they take me up on the offer and sometimes they sort themselves. I’ve not raised entitled kids, they would never expect it.

keep doing what you are doing, it’s your choice and if it gives you peace of mind then that’s a good enough reason.

I think it’s normal these days (if you drive) to pick your 16 kids up at nearly midnight when there’s no safe transport. Obviously you can’t just be a taxi and make yourself available 24/7 but just after his exams it’s reasonable.

my daughter just finished her exams and I found myself paying for her and her friend to go to a theme park and drove the 200 mile trip and got in huge trouble with my husband for spoiling her.
Men are a lot tougher then us women and more selfish as well so they sometimes find hard to understand why we’d do things for others the way we do.

You're building up a trusting relationship with your son as you're giving him space to blow off steam with his friends after his exams. Him and his friends probably didn't get to see each other during lockdown so this is all the more valuable to them.
He's also starting a summer job which is great.
Your DP needs to butt out. He's being entitled thinking he can just demand your time and tell you not to do things for your child!!

You seem kind and your partner does not.

If you are offering lifts out of love and care, you are not being taken advantage of.

@Lola4321 you want OP's DS to ride a bike in the middle of the night on unlit rural roads? Very responsible, that.

And to go back to our current debate: Ideally, 16 year olds shouldn't drink. In the real world, there are very few realistic ways of stopping them, so a harm minimisation approach is going to work best. That isn't 'normalising' anything, that is being realistic. How do you propose we stop people under 18 from acessing alcohol? We already have 'think 25' in supermarkets - how are you going to prevent access to alcohol in other people's homes without robbing young people of all their freedoms? It is not realistic to think that you can.

I was the child who's parents always picked up/ dropped off me and friends occasionally. I could call my parents at any time and they would come and get me. My dad did this once with a friend who was drunk (we were 16) I rang him after being there for less than an hour and he came to get us and she begged not to be taken home to her parents.

I didn't take the piss, and I would absolutely do the same with my children when they're older.
I have friends who could never ask their parents for anything or tell them anything, and I think the differences in our relationships with our parents are apparent.

You’re right to give him lifts.

Wrong to encourage or condone a teen with a still -developing brain drinking alcohol.

I think your dp sounds like a jealous fuck

@Lola4321 so you want OP to act differently towards her DS when he has been drinking? What will that achieve? Far better to speak to him about alcohol when he is sober. I note you are not addressing the issue of biking on unlit roads - do you now accept that the lifts are not 'spoiling' him but are sensible?

I think your being a fab mum! I personally would be more comfortable with dropping and picking up my own child to make sure they are safe
I don't see a problem with this