To be shocked that in the 21st century there's still a staggering amount of women who rely entirely on their husbands?

[EllieRosesMammy]

I see it far too often on MN, women saying their husbands have been cheating on them for years or treating them absolutely terribly, but saying they can't leave because they are entirely financially dependent on their husbands.

Is it just me who finds this mad in 2022? Or is it still normal for men to be 100% the provider of the household?

I just couldn't imagine being stuck in a rubbish situation simply because of money

I am absolutely in no way slating stay at home mums, or house wives here either. I just believe all women should be self sufficient enough that if they're in a bad situation they can walk away

Indeed.

There's also the issue that the vast majority of women don't actually seem very keen on this setup in spite of the narrative several vocal posters on here are pushing.

Statistically, when a man becomes a SAHD or earns less than his partner, the chances of her divorcing him skyrocket. The paradox seems to be that women want equality with men in general but we still place huge value in the status and wealth of our individual partners and want to 'marry upwards'.

I think being a SAHP is fine, as long as you accept that you're fucking up any chance of a fulfilling life post-DC and that you're putting yourself at huge risk of being left on the bones of your arse when your DH/DP buggers off

Instead of saying that there is something wrong with the laws that facilitate these situations and as women we need to campaign for a better situation for all women, working women are just smuggly saying that no woman should stay at home with her own children and if they do, they deserve what they get.

Individually it is important for a woman to know the risks, but women got together to get the vote, to bring in the Married Women's Property Act, etc.

It's interesting that not a single poster has posted in response to these comments which largely refute their claims of all the SAHMs they know 'regretting their decisions'.

It sounds like many of the above quoted women are truly 'living the dream'. On the other hand, many of the working women in this thread sound a little bit bitter. 🤔

Yes I don't think it's ever likely to happen that men instinctively want to be SAHD to the same extent as women. It's just not realistic, despite whatever policies are put in place to encourage it. That's not to say some men will be very suited to it, but in general, men and women react differently when children come along. A lot of it is societal conditioning and I've no doubt about just, but it's obviously not only that. There are biological differences that come into play after children come along and it's delusional to try to pretend otherwise.

But of course the women 'living the dream' are happy. The issue is what happens when it ends.

All these women who are just so sure their partner will never fuck them over are living on hope. I sure as fuck wouldn't want to be relying on the goodwill of another human being to ensure I'm safe, comfortable and can afford my survival.

It's interesting that not a single poster has posted in response to these comments which largely refute their claims of all the SAHMs they know 'regretting their decisions'.

The key concept there is all the SAHMs they know. I don't for a second doubt that Kate Middleton is living her dream. Nor the wife of a Saudi Prince. It must be absolutely lush to only worry if your nail technician managed to source the specific oyster blue colour you requested. Or to worry that there's only going to be 5 bottles of sparkling water in the fridge before the delivery on Monday. It really must be nice. But for most women this just isn't the case.

I think being a SAHP is fine, as long as you accept that you're fucking up any chance of a fulfilling life post-DC
There are many more ways to feel fulfilled than being in paid employment.

and that you're putting yourself at huge risk of being left on the bones of your arse when your DH/DP buggers off.
It is a risk, relationships are. There are steps that can be taken to help provide security. The majority of our assets are in my name, I could walk away with it all at anytime so there's a risk for him too.

Maybe some women like that ‘every day a holiday’ lifestyle.

Others would find it entirely purposeless.

I wonder if the DH working 80 hours a week is as happy as the wife swanning around getting her nails done.

@Topgub
You can however parent well and have a career. Easily.
Again, I never said you can't.

I dont have an issue with individual sahms. Most of them are victims of the system.
Women who work out of necessity aren't?

The role itself promotes sexism and inequality
Here it is 😂😂
Equality is about freedom of choice. Choosing to stay at home is freedom of choice.
Sexism? Sexism 🤔a woman stays at home to raise her children is sexist? Are you for real? That's laughable. What if a man stays at home, is that sexist or do you give him a pass?
Suppose it's not sexist to bring up your children if you go to work at some point through the week?
It's not sexist to pay another woman through nursery or childcare to help you out?

I don't buy for a minute you're not bitter. God forbid a woman wants to stay at gome to bring up her own children. How sexist.

Next it will be sexist to give birth. We should all stop NOW (because men don't do it, it must be wrong).

Equality and freedom of choice are not the same thing.

Equality is ensuring everyone has equal opportunity to make the most of their lives no matter their background, beliefs or abilities.

I cringe at these kinds of comments.
Grow up.

I.e. you can make a choice but it might not be one that promotes equality.

Did you read the post upthread that this refers to? The holiday lifestyle and DH working 80 hours a week. Not my words…

"Equality is ensuring everyone has equal opportunity to make the most of their lives no matter their background, beliefs or abilities."

Yes of course. But with all the opportunities in the world, some women will always want to be a SAHM.

If your a sahm you don't have that?

People on here need to get their heads out of the sand. You're picturing some air head, self absorbed woman who can't make a choice for herself or graft every day.

This was a complete choice for me. I've had amazing opportunities and I had a great education.

You can see from other posters that its not been a choice, but due to ill health or disabilities. Can't you see what's wrong with you marginalisation and judgement?

I'm happy to challenge anyone with this dated, narrow minded, busy body mentality.

You'll all nit pick at posts and spin it to suit your agenda in attemp to prove you're right and it's the only way. Women's choice to work or stay at home is their choice. It's not your family, your finances, your time. Honestly, grow up.

Choosing to stay at home to raise your kids doesn't promote equality?
That doesn't even make sense. You're raising your kids whether it's full time or part time. It's nothing to do with equality. Get a grip.

Do you get your bit in at women working for corporations with unfair pay gaps between men and women? That's not promoting equality.

This is getting more nonsensical by the minute.

Can you provide evidence for this.
I research womens career development for a living and all the evidence I've seen states the following:

• the version of the SAHM we have today is a relatively new phenomenon. History does not show women staying at home purely for the benefit of their children
• women from lower socioeconomic groups have always worked. Even if they were 'at home' they were not spending their days interacting with their children/taking them to classes/groups. They were working - keeping a multi generation household running.
• the middle/upper class women that didn't work were also not spending their days purely doing childcare. They had nannies and tutors.

Also, the evidence of the SAHP/WOHP debate isn't as definitive as you are suggesting. The outcomes of children from both groups is broadly the same. The biggest influences are poverty, parents education and occupation, quality of childcare (if you use it), and school
attended.

And I will go on record saying I have absolutely no issue with people choosing to be SAHMs.

But the suggestion that being a SAHM is universally better for children than having a mum that works is utter rubbish. That's what gets my back up.

@Foxgluv

Equality isn't about freedom of choice. Sahms just like to pretend it is.

You did say wp couldn't have balance. I'm not sure why you're denying it now.

There are elements of sexism in paying other women to traditionally female roles. Having a cleaner, also can be sexist

What is it you think I'm bitter about?

It is possible to have a differing view without being bitter about the alleged ideal

I dont agree a sahm is the ideal, so why would I be bitter?

I see the risks, but it's like saying you should never buy a nice house in case you lose your job and can't afford the mortgage. Stay in a housing association flat and you'll never have to worry about the worst happening.

Spending your life at work instead of how you please means you've already forfeited the life many women want.

I actively work and advocate for women who are also carers to be able to work and to be paid equally to men. Both as individuals, and government lobbying. So, yes.

@Foxgluv

You dont see the problem or inequality in you wasting that amazing education and opportunity while your oh didn't?

Nothing sexist about it?

@brookstar

No version of anything whether a SAHM or a working husband is the same today as in the past or the same in the past as in the past centuries before that. But regardless in broad strokes SAHM and SAHW have always been a thing and it’s just either a flat out lie or delusion to think otherwise.

SAHM today don’t spend every waking hour doing childcare either. Nannies and tutors also still exist. I think your picturing modern SAHM as all being the stereotypical helicopter parent which simply isn’t true.

And yes obviously if you have no choice women in the past had to attempt to scrape a living and keeping a household running and looking after and dealing with multi generational issues is still a big part of the average SAHM life.

Although to be perfectly honest since you said you research womens career development I can’t help but think that the “evidence” you have seen is largely feminist type ideologically based research of the type that informs opinions such as those seen above that basically try to make out women have always been working and career is nothing new etc. basically as a way for advocating for women in careers. You know, the kind of “research” which starts with an ideological stance and then seeks to confirm it.

And I think when it comes to “outcomes” there’s more to it than just what salary you end up with - how inwardly happy both as a adult AND as a child is important. But anyway I wasn’t trying to trash working Mums I just take issue with SAHM being so offesnsive to SOME few working Mums (or working women without children) that they try to make out as though it’s not a totally natural thing to do.