Stepson eats with us but my kids don’t

[Leftie202]

This is probably going to sound petty, I’m pregnant and having a difficult one so maybe I’m just being silly and emotional and ridiculous.

so dp and I live together, he has a child from previous, and I have 3 from previous. My children are with us mon-fri, his fri-mon, apart from holidays where we have them all together for at least half the week.

when my children are here, I tend to give them their tea about 5.30-6, and then me and dp eat later usually around 7.30 as he’s not normally home till then. By this time kids are in bed or at least having quiet time in their rooms so we eat and watch some tv, this is our time I suppose. We both work full time so evenings are the only time we get really like most parents I guess.

when his son comes to us, he always has tea with us, and it’s not because we eat earlier weekends, we don’t, we still eat around 7.30 as that’s just our routine now, but he always eats with us, even if it’s a takeaway. My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it, but at weekends For my step son it’s different. He eats with us, and doesn’t go up till 8.30-9. He’s 5 if that makes a difference. My kids are a bit older, youngest being 8. I brought it up with my partner that I think his son should eat earlier then we eat separately like we do in the week, but he thinks I’m being absolutely ridiculous.

just to add, in the holidays when we have all together, they all eat separately and go up, we eat tea just us 2. So it’s only the weekends.. but I don’t think it’s very fair to be honest. He has this rule for my children but not his own? Shouldn’t it be the same for all of them? I honestly don’t know if I’m being a knob here so please tell me if I am and I’ll drop it.

How do your children feel about this? Can't imagine my mum enjoying take away with another child and not letting her own join her? This is just so, so weird. Meal times should be shared with all of you. Sit down, talk about your day and enjoy being a blended family. Your partner is 'off' with your kids.

1930 is early for 8 and over. If DH gets in a 1930 then his preference is just to not see your kids at all? That's not on. He married a woman with children, he can't just airbrush them out. I think fine to work towards eating together with your kids but not fine to suggest his son eats earlier as theres only one of him and it would feel like s rejection if he suddenly wasn't allowed to eat with you.

@mam0918 it's not 8pm though. It's 7.30.

And if you like the OP tell your children that they have to be in their rooms at 7:30 because there is plenty of day time then you are not doing a good job of being a parent.

7.30 is not a normal bedtime for thirteen year olds.

What do your dc feel about it though?

I ask because my parents used to have a "special meal" on Saturday nights. We'd have a snacky sort of tea, boiled eggs, beans on toast sort of thing and then go off to our rooms while my parents did a 3 course meal with wine for themselves.

If I left it here, I suspect I would get lots of "how mean" replies, but actually we loved it. It was a very peaceful time. Sometimes we'd go in together into a room, but most of the time we all retreated to our individual bedrooms and did our own thing.
I was also rather good at slipping down and removing a few delicacies from the meal and sneaking them upstairs for me

If our parents had announced that they weren't doing it any more and we were all going to eat together instead I know I'd have been quite disappointed.
Df got home too late during the week (7:30-8pm) for us starved children to wait for our meal-we'd normally have eaten by 5:30 at the latest, so we didn't eat together then. We normally had Sunday roast together but no other meals.

They did this pretty much every Saturday night from when I was about 5 or 6yo until after I left home.

He blatantly can't stand your kids and you are letting him push them around. Dear God.
Stick up for them! I'm stunned that you allow a 13yr old to be sent to bed at 7.30, while the 5yr old golden child eats takeaway.

Surely your own children must be resentful if they are sent to bed at 7:30 on the weekend while their younger stepbrother who is only 5 gets to stay up. I would watch that op if I was you. We had a stepbrother who was always treated better and not only did we massively resent him and hate his dad who made it clear he preferred his own children, we also resented our mum who never stuck up for his enough and let the inequality in the home continue.

Fucking hell. He’s not the only one treating your kids like shit. In letting him act like this, so are you. Instead of sticking up for them, which as their mother they rely on you to do, you’re instead concentrating on prioritising this dickhead and bringing another child into the situation.

I hope their father treats them better. Maybe your husband will get what he wants and they’ll fuck off to their father full time, which may be better for them than continued exposure to a family they’re clearly not welcome in.

Youngest is 8, the others are older.

Let your children eat with you at 7:30 for a week and see how he feels. Tell him to stop being an arse. His child is younger than yours, so at best should have the same bedtime, though I think it should be earlier.
Failing that,.eat your dinner on your own for a while, and when he asks why your not eating with him and his DC, you just say that it's meant to be 'us, time, as it is when your kids are there, but it's not the same with a plus one.

This.

You're not parenting well here OP.

So once a week your parents had a date night. Again, totally irrelevant to this situation. This man wants all the kids in their rooms by the time he arrives home at 7.30 so he can spend time with their mum, meaning every single night a 13 year old, 9yo & 8yo sit in their rooms alone from 7.30 till they fall asleep. Nothing like going up early once a week.

I think you’re getting a raw deal both with new partner and regarding access to your own kids, you don’t get any weekends. Doesn’t seem a fair swap!

I've not read your other threads so I don't know who decided to banish your DCs to their rooms straight after dinner. That's not usual. It's also odd that you eat without them every single night.
I don't think your DP is wrong to want to have dinner with his DC once per week. I do think you're wrong never to eat with your DCs.
Only you know who put those distinctions and differences in place.

So neither of you spend any time with your kids? I think you should eat with his child who you only see at weekends. I think you should keep your own children up later during the week as you must only get an hour with them and sound like you don't see them at weekends.

I feel so sorry for your children wow.

You work full time and send them upstairs to have 'your time' 'couple time' when is it THERE TIME. Fair enough if you saw them weekends or worked part time or they were younger And you'd had them all day but Jesus.

As for the eating thing. You should eat with your children at least one day a week seeing as you don't weekends. In fact you should want to eat with them every week night seeing as you barely see them as you work full time and send them upstairs at 7.30 so what's that 2 hours a day if that? You should reserve eating and quality time for your partner for weekends seeing as his son his younger so should be in bed by 7.30 and also you do see your partner all weekend so have plenty of YOu time. Your partner sounds a dick head as he's clearly got different rules for his kid than yours... this won't work in the long term - but you also seem to be treating your children like an inconvenience to facilitate him so well done, they won't forget, they won't forget how you made them feel. But you think it's okay cos you have half the holidays with them. Okay 🤷🏼‍♀️

I completely agree with you. He's trying to get rid of your kids on an evening but it's fine for his child to stay up and eat in you "adult time". He sounds like a dick!!

@MargaretThursday

You might as well tell the story about how your next-door-neighbour-but-one has a tropical fish aquarium.

That would equal your boiled egg scenario in its irrelevancy to the situation here.

So the expectation is that his dc should sit by himself to eat? Sounds very Dickensian to me. I would just insist your own DCs can also eat with you at mealtimes. This is what happens in most households, other than I guess the higher classes and royalty where children have their meals with the nanny.

My partner likes my children in bed by 7.30, so we can have some us time, that’s fine, I totally agree with it. A lot of the comments are slamming the stepfather but the OP is also happy with this and just wishes it could be the same at the weekend. 7.30 is way too early poor kids.

So the expectation is that his dc should sit by himself to eat? Sounds very Dickensian to me

Whose expectation?

People are saying that the OP's children should not spend their evenings in their bedrooms. Not that the other child should eat by himself.

OP don't be too shocked if your kids go low contact with you when they grow up. However, you'll have plenty of time with your partner to have couple time then.

They are probably better off with their father at the weekend as they sound unwanted in the OP's house.

If any of my children told me their friends and siblings were being banished to bed at 7.30 by their mothers boyfriend I would be thinking huge red flag and would probably be giving a heads up to the school safe guarding team.

It is not normal to do this.

@NoddyMcdoddy

No, this OP said it. Read it again in the context of the actual original post on that thread.

This OP claimed to have an almost 15yo and a 1 yo. The thread OP had an almost 16yo and a "toddler".

Either we're not getting the full story or we're getting played.

8yr old and 7 30 bed!
Sorry but he's clearly not a great stepdad.
My pre school kids go to bed at 7.30.
Dsc goes at 9pm /10 aged 9.